The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
I'm Just Acting On An Impulse.
I was never too fond of the depths, to be honest.
The thought of being completely submerged in dark and deep water that had the power to end your life so suddenly freaked me out. But this deep sea diving was different. I dove into my inner self and committed to the thought that my actions didn't have any repercussions. The water was warm and soothing and the smell of salt was replaced with the smell of you. When I surfaced, I gasped for air and felt my fingers snake around your wrists that were connected to your hands which were, in turn, placed on the sides of my face. I pulled away and looked at you, my heart sinking just slightly at the thought of Evan, who was probably thinking about me.
"Joey, I... I can't," I managed to stutter out, dropping my hands into my lap. I looked down, ashamed at myself. "I don't know what that was but that isn't something I'm used to," I continued.
"It's okay, El, I understand," you said, leaning back. You reached out to me then, grabbing onto one of my hands to weave your fingers in between my thin ones.
"You don't. My brain is all fucked up and I don't know what to do or how to do it or anything..." I breathed. I felt your weight get closer to me and before I knew it, you enveloped me in a hug and brought me on to your lap. I pushed my face against your shoulder and you held it there gently, hand resting on the back of my head.
"You're fine, El. It'll be okay. I know what you're saying, I do, believe me. I don't know the shit I'm doing myself half the time," I heard. I listened to your heart beat, slowly and subdued. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"I love you a whole bunch, Joey, I really do. But I can't do this," I muttered into your shirt.
"Can't do what?" You shot back.
"Can't be with you. Can't stay with you like this. I have Evan. I like Evan a whole bunch and he has a part of me in such a short time too. I wish I could. I wish I could do things differently, and I wish I could turn back time or something... Anything," I exhaled. The mouthful of words rushing out.
"What matters right now is that we're here, together, and Evan isn't here and Miranda isn't here," you replied. And you were right, they weren't. It was just you, me, and my quiet room. I looked up at you and surveyed your face. It was genuine, and you smiled down at me. I ran my finger tips across your cheek and nodded, swallowing.
"I guess. I don't know. Just, let's not talk about it for a while," I replied.
"We won't, that's fine," and we stopped talking.
----
About an hour passed by and that's when I felt your hand run through my hair. My guess was I dozed off, because I felt like I had woken up from a dream. I looked up at you and you kissed my forehead, a smile creeping across your face.
"Did I fall asleep?" I asked. You just nodded your head, running your hand down my back. "Has Margo or my dad come in yet? What time is it?" I sounded like an amnesia patient.
"No, they haven't. Margo knocked and said she was going to work and that your dad had to leave for work. I didn't answer, so I figure they just thought you were asleep," you explained. I nodded and yawned, stretching my arms as I crawled off of your lap. You looked at me with a quizzical expression.
"I don't know. I thought you were going to leave," I said. You didn't even have to ask a question.
"Lay back down, I'll lay with you," you simplified what it was you were going to say, I could tell. I did as you said and laid down on my back, arms resting above my head. Only, you didn't lay down next to me. Instead, you climbed on top of me and looked down at me, hands resting by my shoulders as you propped yourself up.
"I- this is new laying down," I giggled. You smiled at me and looked into my eyes, my soul flaring up as the butterflies formed in my stomach. I decided to dive back in, and wrapped my arms around your neck. I pressed my lips into your own and you kissed me eagerly, one hand snaking up my shirt. I didn't question it. You were much more forceful than Evan, but I liked it. Your other hand still propped you up as I slipped my fingertips into the collar of your shirt. Once you pulled away, I just kept looking at you.
"I don't know why I did that," you said, eyes shifting back and forth slowly from my lips to my eyes.
"I don't know why either but I liked it," I breathed out. Just then, my phone rang. It was Evan. "It's Evan..." I said, looking back at you. You nodded and got off of me, sighing.
"Answer it," you nudged. I did.
"Hey," I spoke out.
"Hey, you okay? Or is this a bad time?" Evan answered.
"No, it's fine. What's up?" I retorted.
"I was wondering if you wanted me to come over in an hour?" He asked. I looked at you and then nodded.
"Yeah, you can come over. I'll see you then?" I shot back, sitting up in my bed.
"Alright, I'll see you then," and Evan hung up.
"Okay, you need to leave," I told you then after I tossed my phone on the bed next to me.
"Why?" You frowned then, hand running up my leg and up my inner thigh, wrapping around to grab hold of my side.
"Because my boyfriend is coming over," I said simply as I tried not to react to your touch. I liked it too much.
"I'm sorry that it turned out like this. This isn't at all what I had planned," you murmured. I got off of my bed, shrugging. In one swift motion, you pulled me closer to you by my hips, fingertips digging slightly into my back side, a little bit above my ass cheeks. I looked down at you and sighed, hands coming to a rest on your forearms.
"I'm sorry that it turned out like this, too, Joey... But you gotta go," I pouted for a second before I leaned down to kiss your forehead. You just got up and left, shimmying down the tree without saying a single word.
----
Evan showed up about forty minutes after you left. I managed to take a quick shower and blow dry my hair, making sure I looked halfway decent. And like I hadn't been swimming in the depths of an ocean I didn't dare talk about. He came through my front door and I greeted him with a light kiss and a tight hug.
"You smell good and look nice, El," Evan said once we pulled away from each other. I smiled then, thanking him with a simple nod as we wandered up the stairs and into my bedroom. We didn't even think twice before we found ourselves wrapped up in each other. This time Evan was laying on his back and I was laying on top of him, face pressed into his chest as his hands ran up and down my back. I was straddling him, though nothing sexual was happening it still felt like a good sensation.
"Do you wanna do something?" I asked.
"Like what?" He responded.
"I dunno... Wanna get fucked up?" I pressed.
"Sure, I know where I can get some alcohol and I'm out of weed but I can get some, too. I just have to talk to a couple people," Evan smiled up at me, kissing me gently.
"I don't wanna get up though," I frowned.
"Fine, then hand me my phone," he smirked. I nodded and handed him his phone from my end table, watching as he texted away furiously. "There, sent. Now we play the waiting game," he stated. With a subtle slip of the hand, he was now kissing me hungrily as one of his hands gripped onto the back of my head with the other underneath of my shirt.
I liked the waiting game.
The thought of being completely submerged in dark and deep water that had the power to end your life so suddenly freaked me out. But this deep sea diving was different. I dove into my inner self and committed to the thought that my actions didn't have any repercussions. The water was warm and soothing and the smell of salt was replaced with the smell of you. When I surfaced, I gasped for air and felt my fingers snake around your wrists that were connected to your hands which were, in turn, placed on the sides of my face. I pulled away and looked at you, my heart sinking just slightly at the thought of Evan, who was probably thinking about me.
"Joey, I... I can't," I managed to stutter out, dropping my hands into my lap. I looked down, ashamed at myself. "I don't know what that was but that isn't something I'm used to," I continued.
"It's okay, El, I understand," you said, leaning back. You reached out to me then, grabbing onto one of my hands to weave your fingers in between my thin ones.
"You don't. My brain is all fucked up and I don't know what to do or how to do it or anything..." I breathed. I felt your weight get closer to me and before I knew it, you enveloped me in a hug and brought me on to your lap. I pushed my face against your shoulder and you held it there gently, hand resting on the back of my head.
"You're fine, El. It'll be okay. I know what you're saying, I do, believe me. I don't know the shit I'm doing myself half the time," I heard. I listened to your heart beat, slowly and subdued. I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"I love you a whole bunch, Joey, I really do. But I can't do this," I muttered into your shirt.
"Can't do what?" You shot back.
"Can't be with you. Can't stay with you like this. I have Evan. I like Evan a whole bunch and he has a part of me in such a short time too. I wish I could. I wish I could do things differently, and I wish I could turn back time or something... Anything," I exhaled. The mouthful of words rushing out.
"What matters right now is that we're here, together, and Evan isn't here and Miranda isn't here," you replied. And you were right, they weren't. It was just you, me, and my quiet room. I looked up at you and surveyed your face. It was genuine, and you smiled down at me. I ran my finger tips across your cheek and nodded, swallowing.
"I guess. I don't know. Just, let's not talk about it for a while," I replied.
"We won't, that's fine," and we stopped talking.
----
About an hour passed by and that's when I felt your hand run through my hair. My guess was I dozed off, because I felt like I had woken up from a dream. I looked up at you and you kissed my forehead, a smile creeping across your face.
"Did I fall asleep?" I asked. You just nodded your head, running your hand down my back. "Has Margo or my dad come in yet? What time is it?" I sounded like an amnesia patient.
"No, they haven't. Margo knocked and said she was going to work and that your dad had to leave for work. I didn't answer, so I figure they just thought you were asleep," you explained. I nodded and yawned, stretching my arms as I crawled off of your lap. You looked at me with a quizzical expression.
"I don't know. I thought you were going to leave," I said. You didn't even have to ask a question.
"Lay back down, I'll lay with you," you simplified what it was you were going to say, I could tell. I did as you said and laid down on my back, arms resting above my head. Only, you didn't lay down next to me. Instead, you climbed on top of me and looked down at me, hands resting by my shoulders as you propped yourself up.
"I- this is new laying down," I giggled. You smiled at me and looked into my eyes, my soul flaring up as the butterflies formed in my stomach. I decided to dive back in, and wrapped my arms around your neck. I pressed my lips into your own and you kissed me eagerly, one hand snaking up my shirt. I didn't question it. You were much more forceful than Evan, but I liked it. Your other hand still propped you up as I slipped my fingertips into the collar of your shirt. Once you pulled away, I just kept looking at you.
"I don't know why I did that," you said, eyes shifting back and forth slowly from my lips to my eyes.
"I don't know why either but I liked it," I breathed out. Just then, my phone rang. It was Evan. "It's Evan..." I said, looking back at you. You nodded and got off of me, sighing.
"Answer it," you nudged. I did.
"Hey," I spoke out.
"Hey, you okay? Or is this a bad time?" Evan answered.
"No, it's fine. What's up?" I retorted.
"I was wondering if you wanted me to come over in an hour?" He asked. I looked at you and then nodded.
"Yeah, you can come over. I'll see you then?" I shot back, sitting up in my bed.
"Alright, I'll see you then," and Evan hung up.
"Okay, you need to leave," I told you then after I tossed my phone on the bed next to me.
"Why?" You frowned then, hand running up my leg and up my inner thigh, wrapping around to grab hold of my side.
"Because my boyfriend is coming over," I said simply as I tried not to react to your touch. I liked it too much.
"I'm sorry that it turned out like this. This isn't at all what I had planned," you murmured. I got off of my bed, shrugging. In one swift motion, you pulled me closer to you by my hips, fingertips digging slightly into my back side, a little bit above my ass cheeks. I looked down at you and sighed, hands coming to a rest on your forearms.
"I'm sorry that it turned out like this, too, Joey... But you gotta go," I pouted for a second before I leaned down to kiss your forehead. You just got up and left, shimmying down the tree without saying a single word.
----
Evan showed up about forty minutes after you left. I managed to take a quick shower and blow dry my hair, making sure I looked halfway decent. And like I hadn't been swimming in the depths of an ocean I didn't dare talk about. He came through my front door and I greeted him with a light kiss and a tight hug.
"You smell good and look nice, El," Evan said once we pulled away from each other. I smiled then, thanking him with a simple nod as we wandered up the stairs and into my bedroom. We didn't even think twice before we found ourselves wrapped up in each other. This time Evan was laying on his back and I was laying on top of him, face pressed into his chest as his hands ran up and down my back. I was straddling him, though nothing sexual was happening it still felt like a good sensation.
"Do you wanna do something?" I asked.
"Like what?" He responded.
"I dunno... Wanna get fucked up?" I pressed.
"Sure, I know where I can get some alcohol and I'm out of weed but I can get some, too. I just have to talk to a couple people," Evan smiled up at me, kissing me gently.
"I don't wanna get up though," I frowned.
"Fine, then hand me my phone," he smirked. I nodded and handed him his phone from my end table, watching as he texted away furiously. "There, sent. Now we play the waiting game," he stated. With a subtle slip of the hand, he was now kissing me hungrily as one of his hands gripped onto the back of my head with the other underneath of my shirt.
I liked the waiting game.