Be Free, Be You

When breakfast was over and we were all excused Arite led me to the bathroom to show me how the shower worked. “It only turns right but the higher it goes the hotter it gets.” His voice dropped off at the end of his sentence so I turned my face to see that he had a blush on his face. “I, uh, I got you shampoo and conditioner too. You always smell like strawberries so I guessed..”

I smiled brightly at his blushing face as he motioned to the bottles resting on a corner shelf. “Do you like strawberries?” I asked with a hint of seduction in my voice as I leaned close to him, my lips just far enough away to be a tease.

“I love strawberries...” His voice came out rugged and airy and my hormones were throwing a raging party in my brain. He let his lips brush mine for a second before we both dove in hungrily for more.

He pulled me onto his lap and he let his fingers slide under the hem of the baggy shirt I wore, however before I let myself get too carried away and risk one of his parents coming in I pulled back. Once I got my heart to slow down and my breathing close to normal I was able to whisper, “You have no idea how crazy you make me feel.”

He chuckled and kissed the length of my jaw bone, down my neck and to my collarbone. “You think it's any easier for me? You have no idea how hot you make me feel when I see you in my clothes.” He pulled the shirt collar down as he spoke. I blushed and pulled away as he started to give me a hickey a couple of inches below my collarbone and dangerously close to my breast.

I looked at his eyes and saw my own sex drive reflected in them, My virgin status is so going to drop. I stood and shooed him out, “Come on now, get out. I have to shower, I probably smell rotten by now.”

“You’re never rotten.” He rolled out with a smile and started to shut the door but spoke before it closed. “I’m going to call Steph and tell her to come over in about an hour. Also, my parents are both leaving for work, so you’ll be fine to just walk to my room in a towel afterwards.”

I groaned as a response to the lessons part, turned on the water and stripped myself of my clothes. Just as I was about to step in my eyes caught the toilet and my brain instantly started to scream at to me to do it. Throw it all up. Get rid of the trash. It’ll only make you fat. Do it. Do it. Do it! I felt my hands tremble as I got on my knees, the guilt already racking through my body. I don’t want to, please, God. I begged myself not to do it as I stuck my middle finger down my throat.

The tears came first, then came the burning, the undeniable guilt and pain, but also the relief I felt as the food from this morning and some from the night before came up and into the porcelain bowl. I forced myself to finish quickly, flush and hop in the shower and wash myself as quickly as possible to try and make up for lost time.

My lord I felt horrible. I stood under the water and felt so shitty about myself. What the Hell was I doing here? I didn’t deserve Artie, or the love his family was already sending my way. He was too good for me, he was everything someone like Stephanie deserved. Not someone like me. No, I didn’t deserve anyone. I finished my shower and stepped out, not even bothering to immediately wrap a towel around myself I watched as the fog in the mirror faded to reveal my painfully thin body.

I had muscle on me, don’t get me wrong, but when I was naked you could see where natural body fat was supposed to be. My boobs were average, but they looked too small for my frame, my thighs were separated by three inches of air when Steph, who was healthy and absolutely beautiful had only a half inch of space. My hair was starting to become lifeless from the lack of nutrients I was giving myself, my eyes were starting to look dead, I knew. I knew what I was doing to myself but I couldn’t stop. Coach Sylvester told me that if I did I’d be off the team and I’d be nothing. Not even the Glee Club would want me.

I wanted so badly to cry again but I knew I was spending too much time in the bathroom so I wrapped a towel around myself, gathered up my dirty clothes and hurried to Artie’s room to find him looking grim on his bed. “Hey,” I said hesitantly as I shut the door.

“My shower isn’t as loud as the one at your house.” The unfamiliar monotone of his voice scared me and I instinctively froze. “Why do you do it? You’re so perfect the way you are.”

I felt a part of me break, “I’m only perfect because I do it.”

Artie’s eyes snapped up to survey my face and I could see a flare of anger in them, but also hurt and fear. “You’re wrong. You’d be perfect if you weighed four thousand pounds, you’d be perfect if you had no hair. You’d be perfect if you had blue skin and gills.” With every word he rolled closer to me and he was now directly in front of me. I put down my armful of clothes and made sure my towel wouldn’t fall as he took my hands in his own.

It took everything in me not to cry at his words. “You’re wrong.”

He shook his head, “No you are. Val, please stop doing this to yourself. Don’t you know what happens to people who do this?” I bit my lip, of course I knew, everyone knew what would happen. “You’ll die, and I can’t let that happen.”

I took my hands away and walked over to his bookshelf, busying myself with touching each spine of the novels before me. “Why are you so nice to me? Why do you like me, Artie? I’m so boring and disgusting-”

He cut me off by grabbing my waist and spinning me to face him, “You’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re lovely, you’re stunning, you’re kind, you’re smart, you’re stronger than this.” I bit my lip and had to turn my face away in fear of the tears that were threatening to spill. You’re so weak. Man up, stop crying you sissy. My chest felt like it was caving in and a sob rocked my body but I forced the sound to stay inside of my throat. Artie’s face fell and he pulled me into him even though I was still wet and in the towel. “Stars can't see how brightly they shine, they can only look at all of the others.”

I pulled my head away and looked into his eyes, I saw so many emotions in just one person. There was fear, sadness, hope, happiness and love all swirling inside of the ocean colored orbs. “I’m afraid, you’re going to find out how hopeless I am, and you’ll leave.” He opened his mouth to interrupt but I didn’t let him. “You’ll hear rumors that I’m a slut with every part of me except my cat, you’ll either believe it and want in on the fake party or you’ll laugh and turn away in disgust. That’s what always happens, but with the others...” I sucked in a deep breath and focused my glance on my hands entwined in his own. “You’re different, I don’t want you to leave, but I know you will.”

I could see a sudden hardness crossed over his features and he quickly took my waist and pulled me into the most passionate kiss I’d ever had. My body melted into him like it had done it before, I knew exactly how to move and how to breathe as he moved his tongue into my mouth and let it dance with my own. When he finally pulled away because the need for oxygen became greater he took my chin between his fingers and forced me to look at him. “I’m planning on staying a good while, but we need to fix you.”

I sighed knowing he was right about the fixing, “Let me try on my own before you go telling any adults, please?”

I could see the hesitation in his eyes but he ended up nodding and kissing me again. Before we could let the passion return the doorbell rang and I used my spidey sister senses to realize it was Steph for her damn lesson.