Be Free, Be You

“I just can’t believe her!” I seethed at lunch, smashing my fist against the table and making Puck’s lunch rattle. My own sandwich, apple, and water bottle were sitting in front of me, completely untouched. I was simply not in the mood for eating. “I make up with her over our fight earlier, and I think we’re okay, and then she just ends up bitching at me about you again. It’s fucking irritating.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Puck intervened with a full mouth, his eyes slightly worried. “Listen, you shouldn’t let your fights with your sister bother you too much. Two girls, so close in age? Of course you guys are going to fight a lot.”

“Thank you, Dr. Phil.”

He ignored me and kept talking. “And it was kind of dumb of you to ask Val for advice on me, anyway.”

I colored deeply as my eyes found the table, acting as if my sandwich were the most interesting thing on the planet. “What makes you think that I was asking advice on you?”

“Oh, please. What else do girls ask their sisters advice on? Algebra?”

I flushed further, not saying anything, but he didn’t need any prompting to continue talking. “But all I’m saying is that Valarie and I have a lot of bad history between us, and I don’t blame her for disliking me. I don’t care about the shit that went down, but she’s not as easygoing as I am.”

“You’re easygoing? You threaten to kill kids that look at you the wrong way.”

“Those are the losers. I never claimed to be easygoing with losers.”

“Whatever you say.”

He sat up a little straighter before going back to his conversation as he took a huge bite of his lunch. “All I’m trying to say is that I’d go easy around Val with the talk about me.”

“What even happened between you two?” I questioned. “I just figured you guys hated each other forever.”

“It’s something that happened…a long time ago.” He cleared his throat before taking another massive bite. “I think it was first or second grade?”

“Are you going to tell me what it was?”

Puck shook his head. “Nah, it’s something you should hear from her, not me. Plus, it’ll get you two talking again.”

“I’m not talking to that bitch.” I groaned and sighed, debating whether or not to toss my food into the garbage bin sitting a couple feet away. “I fixed things once. She can come to me this time.”

“Oh, is that how you operate? Taking turns apologizing?”

“No. It’s always me. And I’m not doing it this time.”

“Okay. If that’s what you want to do.”

It wasn’t what I wanted to do. I hated fighting with Val. She’d always been the one I looked up to most in the world, the solid foundation that I tried to base myself around.

But starting to date Puck had changed all that. She got snippier, and she was harsher with me than she’d ever been before. I wanted to know what came between them, what got them to hate each other, but I knew for a fact Puck wasn’t going to tell me anything.

“I just wish that I could do something for once in my life where I didn’t get criticized or scrutinized for it. Valarie can do anything she wants, and it doesn’t matter at all. I support whatever she does. But with me, she has to look down her nose at me for everything.”

Puck just sat there and stared at me, knowing that it was in his best interests not to trash-talk my sister, even if I was angry with her at the moment.

The bell sounded throughout the bustling room to dismiss us to our next class, so I scooped up what I had packed for lunch and tossed it in the trash on the way by.

* * *

Everyone stared at me in shock when the news was revealed about the stunt Valarie and I had performed. Well, everyone but Artie, anyway.

While Val prepped for her audition, Puck nudged me with his knee before leaning over to whisper in my ear. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s kind of humiliating that I wanted to be in Glee Club more than anything, yet I can’t sing for my life.”

“We’ll test that out. Why don’t we do a duet for next week? We’ll kick ass.”

“I don’t know…” I trailed off uncertainly. “You really underestimate how poorly I sing.”

“We can try,” he insisted. “It’ll just be you and me.”

I was about to answer that I really didn’t think it was a good idea, but our conversation was interrupted when Val stood in front of the group. I had expected her to be nervous, to squirm a little bit, and I was waiting excitedly to see that happen. I wanted to see Valarie’s walls fall down, for the club to see her for who she really was.

But then, I remembered that I was angry at her, the feelings of indignation and lividness washing over me like a tidal wave. I sat back in my seat, crossing my arms in front of my chest like a two-year-old throwing a fit, as I waited for her to begin singing.

The second the accompaniment began, I knew what she was singing. It was one that she’d sung under her breath all over the house, one that she hummed unconsciously all the time. And although her eyes were closed, it did nothing but added raw emotion to her song.

The further her performance went, the truer her voice became. Goosebumps riddled my entire body, no matter how hard I tried to suppress them. I wanted to stay angry. I wanted to have the feeling in my gut that made me so thoroughly pissed at her that I I could change her shampoo with hair dye or something else ridiculous.

But she was just making me proud. She held herself with the grace of the world’s most seasoned performer, and her voice was stellar. I could see twinkles in everyone’s eyes showing that they either wanted her or wanted to be her.

She was my sister. Whether we were fighting or not, she was my sister. And I was proud to claim the same heritage as her, even if I didn’t get all the traits she did. Even if I came out as the inferior being.

The second her voice stopped and the music ended, I got to my feet and rushed out of the auditorium. I knew she had seen the look in my eyes, that she had seen the looks in everyone’s eyes, and I wasn’t willing to admit weakness. Not this time.

Puck was right behind me, and upon turning, I was shocked to find out that the rest of the Glee Club trailed him. No one had stuck around to congratulate Val or tell her she did a good job.

I almost felt guilty before I remembered the cruel words she’d said to me the night before. You’re not good enough to keep Puck’s interest, I whispered to myself inside my mind as I reached over and grabbed his hand. He’ll just hit and quit. It’s what he’s always done.

Swallowing down the harsh words, I leaned over and whispered to Puck, “We should do something right now. I need to get my mind off the argument.”

“I think something can be arranged,” he answered in a throaty voice as we approached his truck. “Hop in, Steph.”

I did as directed and fastened my seatbelt in front of me. As the truck started to back out of the parking space, I leaned my head against the window and sighed.

Part of me really hoped that Val wished I were there to wish her good job, to give her some sort of encouragement, but I knew she wasn’t. I’d been just as cruel to her, bringing up the sensitive subjects of the rumors that circulated around the school about her. I hadn’t meant it, but the words slipped out in my furious haze.

“Maybe I should apologize,” I mumbled as Puck pulled into the deserted parking lot behind the empty building that held a hardware store before the recession hit.

“Stop thinking about it, babe,” he insisted, leaning over and kissing just below my ear. “Just get lost in me, okay?”

I turned to face him as he connected his lips to mine. His tongue was soft and smooth against mine, and he quickly was accomplishing the goal I’d hoped he would. As he crawled over into my seat, hovering over me, his large, warm hands feeling up my shirt, I sighed against him.

But the ignorant bliss only lasted a few minutes before my mind started revving about the possibility of making up with Valarie.

Puck noticed and pulled away for a second, brushing a strand of hair off my face. “Hey, let it go,” he insisted. “Your sister doesn’t exist right now. It’s just you and me.”

And with that, he leaned over and peeled off my shirt, throwing it onto the floor of the backseat.