Be Free, Be You

Puck groaned as he leaned back against the door, running a hand through his hair and breathing heavily. “Really, Steph?”

I swallowed and sat up, feeling around the car frantically for my bra and shirt, which I finally found under the passenger’s seat. Once my top was covered, I arched my back and buttoned my jeans, which he had been working on getting off before I told him to stop.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, gathering my ratted hair up with my fingers, trying my best to make it look not so…sex-like, as I worked to put it into a ponytail. “I’m just not ready.”

“When will you ever be ready?” he sighed.

“I don’t know, but you can wait until I am,” I told him snarkily as I climbed back into the front seat, feeling him right behind me. “Unless you can’t. In which case, we’re not going to work out.”

“No, no,” he insisted. “I’ll keep it in my pants for now. But I can’t guarantee that I’ll wait forever.”

“Do your best.”

With that, he started the car back up, and I leaned over to put my head against the window. Once the steamy making out stopped, Valarie’s and my argument roared back to life inside my mind, and I found myself right back where I started. It was almost like I was one of those people that sought alcohol when I was depressed, only to wake up the next morning and find that my problems had not been resolved by getting drunk.

God, that feeling sucked.

Puck pulled into my driveway and put the car into park. “Are you sure you don’t want to make out some more? You look like you’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out,” I lied. “I’m fine. And no, I’m all done for today.”

He let out a sigh before he dropped a bombshell. “You know, I kind of feel like you’re using me.”

“What?” I gasped, turning to face him. Just what I needed: another disagreement. “What are you talking about?”

“You only make out with me when you’re upset or want to get distracted from something. And, I mean, I don’t care that you use me to get your mind off shit, but…” He let out a long sigh before he looked me in the eyes. “Look, I may be a dickhead, but I’m still human. And if you’re trying to make a point about what it feels like when I use girls, then you’ve made it. Will you stop now?”

I hadn’t even realized that was what I had been doing, but once he mentioned it, it kind of started to click. I felt like a terrible person, as well as a hypocrite. I’d been concerned in the beginning that Puck was going to take advantage at me, that he wasn’t going to respect me, but it turned out that I was doing exactly that to him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, turning my gaze down to my lap. “I didn’t…ugh, I feel like shit. I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. Even you don’t deserve that.”

“You could make it up to me,” he snickered, leaning in, his hand moving to cup my face.

“Eh, no,” I denied, chuckling uncomfortably as I turned my head away and reached for the door handle. “If we started again, I’d just be distracting myself from my problems with my sister. So I’ll head inside.”

“Alright,” he agreed. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Steph. And try to make up with Val. You guys really shouldn’t be at each other’s throats.”

“We’ll see if she comes to me,” I responded with a tight, fake smile as I slammed the door shut.

* * *

I could hear Val moving around upstairs and downstairs after she got home from Artie’s, probably getting food and then puking it up. She went back and forth what seemed like once a minute, almost as if she were pacing, but she never once stopped in to say that she was sorry.

She was probably torturing me, letting me know that she was home and waiting for me to go out and apologize. But I wasn’t the one in the wrong. I had to keep telling myself that.

She started it, so she had to be the one to start the process of forgiveness.

I did everything I could to keep my mind off it: I ate, I showered, I tried to write my novel. Nothing worked.

Finally, around the time I knew she tried to start going to sleep, I stumbled into her room, knocking on the doorframe before entering.

She was on her bed, a book open in front of her, which I figured was a textbook of some sort. Upon hearing me knock, she looked up, still looking stunning, even though her hair was piled into a messy ponytail at the top of her head, and her face was without a lick of makeup.

“Can I help you?” she snapped after a second, looking back down at her book and whipping to the next page.

I didn’t say anything at first, since I was hoping that she’d offer up her apology first. But she didn’t.

So I took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry for calling you a slutty bitch. I know you’re not one, but I was just trying to make a point. Not everyone is like their reputation states.”

“Yeah, well, he deserves his,” she replied bitingly. “You don’t know anything about him, Stephanie.”

“I know plenty,” I argued back. “I’m the one who’s spent hours on end with him. I think I know him a little better than you, who haven’t talked to him more than in passing because of some dumb grudge that you hold against him.”

“No, you don’t. You know what he wants you to know. He’s not being real with you. He knows that you’re naïve, that you’ve never been with another guy, and he’s preying on you.”

“You make him sound like a pedophile.”

“That’s basically what he is.” Valarie turned back to her book as she rolled her eyes. “I’m telling you, as your older sister. Just stay away from him.”

“I don’t know why you do this,” I shouted as I started back toward the door, ripping back the olive branch that had previously been extended. “I don’t know why you’re so against Puck that you can’t even entertain the idea that he makes me happy. And now, when I try to apologize to you, you just shit all over him again? What’s wrong with you, Val?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” she argued. “You don’t get it now, but I’m protecting you. You’ll thank me.”

“No, I won’t. Because I’m not going to listen to you. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“He’s just looking for someone to hump and dump, Steph. And if you’re willing to be that girl, go ahead.”

“He’s not.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest, and my voice grew weaker. “If anything, I’ve been treating him like that.”

“Yeah, right,” Val scoffed. “Alright, if we’re done with this conversation, you can leave now.”

I almost said something snappy and rude, but I knew I’d regret it later, so I just stormed down the hallway and wished that I had never tried to make peace with my sister.