Be Free, Be You

Puck didn’t sit with me at lunch. At first, I was a little offended by it, but the sentiment didn’t last long. There was no reason for him to stay with me all the time, since we weren’t official or anything, and it wasn’t a crime that he wanted to spend a half hour with his football buddies instead of me.

Since I didn’t really have any other friends, I dug through my bag and pulled out the book I was reading, a really touching, though slightly disturbing, story about a little girl who locked her brother in a closet before getting taken by the Nazis during a roundup in World War 2. It was really horrific, some of the scenes described in the book, but it was so interesting that I had trouble putting the thing down for more than a few minutes at a time.

My eyes scanned over the book in my hand as I ate my sandwich slowly. Once I got absorbed in something, especially a good book, the whole rest of the world seemed to fall away, and it was only the plot and me. Everyone else, every other noise, was completely lost on me.

I didn’t notice when someone sat across from me. I didn’t notice when she cleared her throat. And I didn’t hear her start talking until her voice was nearly at a shriek as she exclaimed, “Are you ignoring me?!”

Blinking a couple times, I put my book down and looked up at the girl sitting across from me. Rachel Berry. She was social suicide to the rest of the school, but she was well-known as show choir royalty. Her range was incredible, she was extremely dedicated, and she made sure that we all worked our hardest. I knew she annoyed some people (especially my sister), but I respected how passionate Rachel was about her favorite things.

“I’m not ignoring you,” I assured her, smiling a little. “Why are you sitting with me?”

At the declaration of my attention, Rachel sat up a little straighter and clasped her hands in front of her. “First, I just want to let you know that I hold no grudges against you for the stunt you pulled to get into Glee Club.”

“Uh, thanks-” I tried to say, but she interrupted before I could finish my sentence.

“Although I wholeheartedly believe in the old cliché that ‘honesty is the best policy’, I realize that the vast majority of people don’t have my high standard of integrity.”

I kind of felt offended by her comment, but I didn’t think she meant it to be insulting. So I just let it slip off my back as she continued to talk.

“It’s come to my attention that you and Valarie are fighting over a certain Noah Puckerman-”

“Wait, how did you find out about that?” I demanded, raising my voice to make sure it was heard over hers.

Rachel looked a smidge taken aback before she answered, “Artie told me because I threatened to tell Mr. Schue that he greases his wheels to make himself move faster on stage, which is against the rules in the Show Choir Official Handbook.”

I narrowed my eyes briefly, wondering why that was such a big deal and why in the world the Show Choir Board had thought to include that in the Handbook, but it completely escaped her notice.

“But anyway, I want to share with you that I myself had a sort of fling with Noah Puckerman in our sophomore year.”

I knew. I was pretty sure everyone in the school knew. And if they didn’t at the time, then they certainly knew when Finn finally caught wind of it and practically had a mental breakdown in the middle of the choir room.

I kept my mouth shut about reality, though, since I didn’t want to hurt Rachel’s feelings. She clearly thought she was helping me, but really, she was just kind of sticking her nose where it didn’t belong.

“Noah was really sweet when we were together, I’ll have to give him that, and he changed a lot for me in the short time we were together. He took a slushie in the face for me, you know. And even though the two of us didn’t work out, and he can sometimes be a…” she cleared her throat daintily before continuing, “jerk, I completely understand what you see in him.”

I opened my mouth to say thank you, but she was not done with her speech yet. “However, with that being said, I think you’re giving him too much power in the situation. Puckerman is a womanizer, and it’s quite possible he’ll just use you for sex, and then he’ll move on.”

“If he just wants me for sex, then why hasn’t he lost interest yet?” I demanded back. I was so fucking sick of that argument. He had gotten his penis nowhere near my private area, and yet everyone continued to insist that he was just after me for my sex. “We haven’t done it yet.”

“But you make out, right?” she pushed knowingly. “And he’s almost gotten you to the point he wants. He likes the challenge. And the second you give it up to him, he’s quite possibly going to run. It’s a fact of life, Stephanie.”

I wanted to pout, but I knew it would just make me immature, so I kept a straight face as she continued her spiel. “But whether he’s using you or not, he’s not important enough to get between you and your sister. I know that you look up to her a lot, and I can tell that it’s killing you that she won’t support your relationship. You have to understand that she has her reasons for what she thinks, just like you have your reasons for wanting to be with him, and you guys have to work through them.”

“She won’t let me argue my point, though,” I snapped. “I know that you’re trying to be helpful, Rachel, but it’s really not working. You don’t know Valarie or me, and you don’t know what goes on between the two of us.”

There was hurt in Rachel’s brown eyes, but she only let it stay for a second before she pushed it back down, forcing her large mouth into a smile. “Okay. I was just trying to help, but if you don’t want to take it, then don’t.”

“Rachel, I wasn’t trying to,” I started, but she didn’t wait around to listen, instead getting out of her seat, shoving it back against the table, and leaving.

I groaned and smacked my forehead against the top of the table. I hated how I was pushing everyone away, how I was getting snappier, how I was making everybody angry at me. All besides Puck, anyway.

I knew that I was just stressed, and it was causing all the other bad results. If even one person could pat me on the back and say, “You done good, Steph,” then I would have been fine. I just wanted one person to support my relationship besides the people in it.

I always thought it was dumb, those girls who broke up with their boyfriends because their friends didn’t especially like him. After all, a relationship was supposed to be between two people. That was it. But I didn’t realize how hard it could be to be like a salmon, swimming so hard against a raging tide to get to the destination. Although the salmon’s destination was to have sex, and mine was approval, it was the same concept. Kind of.

Instead of dwelling on it, I threw my lunch trash away and made my way out to the hallway to go to my locker before class.