Don't Go.

I stared at the gravestone numbly, barely feeling Danny's presence next to me. 

Daniel Ewan Hunter
1996-2011
Loving son, brother and grandchild
Danny, you are forever in our hearts.

I was vaguely aware of Danny interlocking his fingers with mine and squeezing my hand tightly. I was so lost in the abrupt wave of grief that was threatening to drown me to notice he was trying to comfort me. Instead, the only thing I could think about was the times when there still was warmth radiating from those fingers... and how desperately I wanted it back. 

Slowly, I kneeled on the frozen, snow-covered ground and placed a single white rose beside the gravestone. 

Six months on, the grave was still surrounded by flowers of practically every type and color. My eyes rested briefly on a bright orange one with especially broad petals, a wreath of withering pink lilies, two or three elegant pearly blossoms, tied together with red ribbon. They made my rose look pathetically small and plain. 

"I like your rose better," Danny whispered, completely in line with my thoughts, as always. "The others are too overdone."

I nodded vaguely, still too numb to do much else. I was incapable of tearing my eyes away from the grave, unable to stop reminding myself that right there, buried under feet of snow and earth, was Danny's still body...

I suddenly became aware of the fact that my vision was blurring, and I almost started to panic until I felt something cold and wet on my cheek. Tears. How long had it been since I'd last cried? Too long. I always tried not to show weakness in front of Danny, and I was constantly reminding myself that it was okay, that he was here, that he wouldn't leave me. But at this point, I wasn't even sure if it was the truth, or I was just believing it because that was the only way to hold on to my sanity. 

And there he was again, wiping the tears from my cheeks, caressing my face as I wept and murmuring things I was too far away to hear. Always trying to ease my suffering. Always trying to stop me from hurting, when I most definitely did not deserve it. 

Because I could have stopped it. If I'd done something... if I'd been strong enough to hold all his weight... if I hadn't just let him fall to his death, then he'd be alive right now. 

I could have saved him, and I didn't. 

I remembered the day like it was yesterday. The pain and guilt had burned it right into my mind, like I'd been branded with a hot poker and scarred for all eternity. I could tell you what he was wearing that day, the color of the sky or the direction the wind came from - although that never changed. There was always a light breeze coming from the sea if you were even remotely near it, but I remembered that day it was particularly strong, like the wind was frustrated and it wanted to take its anger out on someone. 

We were walking along the edge of the cliff, hair ruffled, hands linked. Of course there was no danger. We'd taken this path thousands of times before, and nothing had ever happened. And there was nothing to suggest that this time might be different. 

Or so we thought. 

And I'll remember that moment until the day I die. When people talk about situations like these, they'll say it just flashed before their eyes, that it was almost too fast for them to comprehend what was happening. But for me, it wasn't like that. 

In fact, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. And the worst part of it all was that I could only move in slow motion too. So when I saw him stumble and lose his balance, saw him fall painfully, agonizingly slowly towards he edge of the cliff, I wasn't fast enough. 

He'd fallen backwards, and his eyes had locked on mine for one heart-stopping moment as a cry escaped my throat and my arms stretched out, desperately trying to catch him, to prevent him slipping away from me forever. 

And for a second, it seemed like I was actually going to make it as my outstretched fingers grasped at the air in front of them, almost managing to reach him. Almost. 

But I didn't, and the moment shattered, and he plummeted down to the sharp, jagged rocks below the cliff. And I could swear I saw his lips form my name, mere instants before his body smashed against the rocks and I lost him forever. 

"Jamie!"

I was abruptly aware of the fact that he'd been calling me for a good while now, and that his hands had gripped my shoulders and were shaking me, frantically trying to get me to return from the distant memories I'd been lost in. 

"Jamie! Jamie, can you hear me?" His eyes burnt into mine and I could see the wild desperation in them, but I was frozen, unable to respond-

"D-Danny, I-" My voice broke, and I was suddenly sobbing, tears cascading down my cheeks, face buried in Danny's shoulder as he held me. "It's all my fault, I'm s-s-sorry..."

"What?" he murmured, frowning slightly. 

"I- I could have caught you..." I sobbed. "It's my fault, it's my fault you're like this, and you'll realize I don't deserve you being here with me and you'll l-leave..." 

Voicing my fears out loud was somehow much more terrifying than hearing them inside my head, and I couldn't look at him... I couldn't meet his eyes, because I was convinced that the moment I did would be the moment I'd see the rejection in them. 

And I just wasn't ready for it. 

But he wasn't having any of it, and he gently tugged my face up to meet his. 

It shocked me that in his eyes there was none of the things I'd been expecting to see. He was always so strange, so distant, and besides, I'd expected his look to be sharp, rejecting. But his eyes were smoldering, brimming with love and tenderness... and there was something else there too. Someone else might not have noticed it, but I was an expert at reading him, and I saw it right away. 

It was fear. 

"Jamie..." 

There was something about the way he said my name that made my blood run cold. It was like he really was scared. And it seemed to be confirming my worst fears. 

"Danny," I breathed, unable to talk above a whisper, " you aren't leaving, are you?"

He bit his lip, looking away, and I could see it again. The fear, doubt and hesitation. 

"I... " he answered finally. "I don't know."

A wild edge of panic seemed to appear in my voice. "What do you mean, you don't know? You can't leave me! You can't leave me alone here-" My voice broke again, and I had to suppress a sob. "You're all I have left."

I was suddenly, painfully aware that I might never feel his arms around me again or hear his voice again. I'd have to start all over again. I'd have to accept he was really gone. And this time, I'd have no help. I'd have nothing. 

I was crying again, the tears feeling like they might freeze on my cheeks because of the cold, the sobs racking my entire body. He was going to leave me. He'd really be gone. And then I'd truly have nothing left to live for. 

"Jamie... that's exactly the problem."

I raised my pale, tear-stained face to meet his. His expression was serious, deathly serious. Had I ever seen him like this? I didn't think so. He looked wiser than I'd ever seen him... and older, much older. Not physically, but his eyes suddenly looked like they'd seen centuries of suffering. 

"You can't live your whole life depending on an imprint of a person, someone that's not really there. Jamie, I..." He hesitated, and for a moment I saw true pain in his eyes, and I realized he didn't want to leave me either. "I'd happily stay here with you for the rest of my life, and you know it. But you need to accept I'm gone. You need to have a real life. You'll fall in love again, you'll get married, you'll have kids... and when the time comes, I'll be on the other side, waiting for you. If you still want me." I realizes he was crying too, that there were real, wet tears running down his cheeks, and that I hadn't seen him cry in all this time. I wanted to put my arms around him and embrace him, to take the hurt away, like he'd done for me so many times, but he shook his head and continued. 

"Jamie, I... I also need you to promise me that you'll try to have a real life, a life where I'm not in your way." He saw my expression and placed a finger on my lips, silencing me. "I'm not asking you to try to forget me. But I don't want you to feel guilty about being with someone else because of me. I don't want to stop you from having a normal life. And I want you to promise me, too, that you won't try and do anything stupid to meet me before it's your time. If that ever happens, Jamie..." His eyes brimmed with tears again and I saw the suffering on his face. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Ever."

"I- I promise," I replied shakily. 

This time, when I reached out and placed my arms around him, holding him tightly, he didn't object. And we stayed there for an eternal second, weeping together, relishing our last few moments together before we were parted. He placed a kiss on my lips, and I drank from that kiss with all my heart, never wanting to let go, never wanting to be separated from him. 

But I had to, and we both knew it. 

Ever so softly, he pulled away. I desperately tried to cling to him, but he wouldn't let me. He stood up in a fluid motion, with a small, sad smile painted on his lips, and pressed his lips to mine for a brief moment. 

Our eyes met, and we both knew it'd be the last time they would. 

Slowly, he turned and walked away into the snow, and I cried for him, o begged him to stay... but he never turned back. And I could only watch as the last traces of the boy I loved got further and further away from me, leaving me forever, as the snow swirled around him and he disappeared completely.