Despair

Hey. I'm Ala. I am 15 years old.

My best friend is Alessandra.

I am secretly in love with Micah Silez.

Except he is 18. Which is three years older than me.

My mom and dad once told me to never go out with anyone that was over one year older than me. Just talking to him is breaking the rules.

It's kind of hard to avoid falling in love all over again when I see Micah after some classes, during lunch, and after school.

*

Two hours in school, and I'm already tired.

So far, I'm pretty successful with avoiding Micah. I haven't seen him yet.

I'm wearing my favorite outfit today. And I feel just a smidge pretty.

Until I see a few girls whispering and giggling. Probably about someone else I thought to myself. But that thought zipped away as I heard the words flowers and b*tch . They also said my name. There's nobody else in the whole school with the name Ala.

They're just jealous. Jealous that I look better than them for once, jealous that Micah likes me just a little more than their selfish asses.

Jealous that I am capable of loving someone.

Unlike them.

After fourth period, I have lunch the same period as Micah.

I was hoping to be able to escape to my locker and walk to lunch alone, but as usual, I don't get my wish. Because Micah is walking right towards me.

His stride is perfect and graceful and his t-shirt accentuates his six-pack and his muscular chest and arms.

"Hey, Ala." he says in his deep voice.

"Oh, um, hey." I need to get him to go away. I'm not supposed to talk to him.

"You wanna skip the rest of the day and go to the park?"

"Actually, I kinda need to stay here. I have a chem test next period." And I really did. I wasn't lying like my gut told me to, and I wasn't going with him like my heart told me to.

"A test?" Micah looked at me in disbelief. "You want to stay here so you can take a test?"

"My grade is sinking in chem, and if I don't pass the test, I'll fail the class."

"Then take it tomorrow. You'll have extra time tonight to study if you do."

He had a good point. I would end up having a little extra time to study, which I really needed.

But I couldn't go with him. I wasn't allowed.

"Come on, Ala. Please?" Micah smiled.

Micah's smile was contagious.

I couldn't go with him.

I wouldn't go with him.

My head said no.

But my heart said yes.

I refused. But I didn't say anything out loud.

And I killed myself figuratively, by saying yes.