So the Season's Changed Your Face
Act VII, Scene III
For what seems like the thousandth time in my life, I knocked on the Cardens’ front door. Little Jack barked and barked and barked until someone came and answered it.
I was pleased to see Mrs. Carden. She smiled warmly at me, though her eyes were telling a much different story. She let me in, picking up Little Jack so he wouldn’t nip at my ankles. “We haven’t seen you in awhile! I was just making dinner. Would you like anything?”
“Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Carden. It’s okay,” I said, standing awkwardly in the mouth of the kitchen.
“How’s school?” she asked, putting Little Jack down, who proceeded to sniff my shoes and apparently decided I was no longer a threat. She began slicing a stalk of celery.
“It’s good,” I nodded. “It’s really busy, but good.”
“That’s good. How are your parents?”
“They’re good. Dad’s dating again, so that’s nice for him,” I appreciated what she was doing, I really did, but I didn’t want to prolong things any longer. “Look, Mrs. Carden, is Mike home?”
She put down the knife and nodded sullenly. “He is. I haven’t seen him leave his room since he got back, though. He hasn’t said a word to anyone.”
I sighed heavily, tears dripping silently down my face.
“Vivi, what happened?”
I stood there for a really long time, trying to collect my thoughts, steady my breathing, and calm myself down, before I said anything. “I really messed up.” My voice caught in my throat.
“Oh, honey,” Mrs. Carden said, coming to me swiftly and giving me a hug. She smoothed my hair with her hands as I tried to contain the wave of tears that were due at any moment. “What happened?”
“I – I overreacted. I said things I shouldn’t have said and I did things I shouldn’t have done. I was angry, I was hurt. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I was in no state to make decisions,” I rambled, shaking my head. “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have broken up with him. I’m scared I’m going to lose my best friend.”
“I figured you two had broken up. I didn’t really want to believe it, but there are some things that are very obvious,” she said sympathetically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what did he do? Because I know he did something.”
“It’s so stupid, now that I think about it. I shouldn’t have even gotten mad,” I wiped tears from my cheeks. “It’s just – he didn’t tell me he was leaving, that he was going on tour. It’s a stupid thing to get mad about. I should be happy for him. I should be there for him.”
“Vivi, if he left and didn’t tell me, I would be very upset as well,” she said, shaking her head.
“But he has to tell you,” I smiled, though tears were still leaking out of my eyes. “You’re his mom.”
“He had an obligation to you, as well. You aren’t wrong to be mad at him. He should have told you,” she said. “And that’s that.”
“I guess,” I murmured, chewing on my bottom lip. Mrs. Carden studied me patiently, waiting for me to speak again. I didn’t know what to say. I looked up at her and saw she was wearing an expression of such sympathy and caring and love. Tears ensued. “I’m not going to be able to get him back.” I said pathetically, tilting my head back.
“The best you can do is try,”
There were so many things I could say right now. I could remind her that Mike is stubborn as a mule. I could remind her that I’m stubborn as a mule. I could tell her there was no point in trying to fix things with Mike because I knew I had fucked up beyond all recognition. I could apologize for treating her son so poorly and for never really appreciating everything he was to me until now. I could tell her she was right. I could tell her she was wrong, that there is so much more I could do.
But I didn’t say any of these things. How could I?
“He’s not going to listen to me,” I finally said. Saying this was difficult. Regarding my current predicament, this was my greatest fear. Sure, I didn’t want him to reject my apologies, but if he didn’t listen at all…that would be far worse.
“Let me tell you something about Mike,” Mrs. Carden started, leading me to the couch. “Mike is definitely his own person. He’s very headstrong, as I’m sure you know. He’s opinionated and stubborn and will not do anything he doesn’t want to do. He’s just like his dad and he has been for his entire life. And I doubt that’s ever going to change.” She paused, swallowed, and continued. “Mike has a lot of pride. More so than any other person I have ever met. When someone steps on his pride, or, say, calls him out on his mistakes as you did, he…he feels like he’s being attacked. And as I’m sure you’ve noticed, he does not respond well to being attacked.” She explained, choosing her words carefully.
In the five or so years that I’ve known Mrs. Carden, I’ve never really sat down and had a proper conversation with her, nonetheless an in-depth discussion about Mike’s personality flaws. I listened with every fiber of my being.
“The problem with Mike is that he never fesses up to anything. For as long as I can remember, he’s been blaming things on his brother, on the dog, on his dad, on his car, on the school system, on things that don’t exist – he will never admit he is wrong. He hates being wrong. He hates when other people realize he’s wrong. And he really hates when someone tells him he is wrong. Nothing irks him more. What you did, in his mind, it was the ultimate blow to his pride. You conveyed to him that it was wrong for him to have not told you about the tour. And not only did you tell him it was wrong, you told him you weren’t okay with it and you then punished him for it. Mike is not used to being punished, to say the least.”
Hearing Mrs. Carden say these things about her son was so odd. She must know Mike pretty damn well to examine his behaviors and make sense of them. I don’t think my mom could analyze me like this. She would have no idea where to start. But Mrs. Carden was saying things like she was a fucking psychoanalyst.
Now that I think about it, Mrs. Carden hasn’t always been a school board official. She had to have gone to college for some other reason, right? Maybe she majored in Psychology? I think Mike may have mentioned that at some time or another…
“Mike probably doesn’t know what to do right now. He’s definitely on the defensive, that’s for sure. I’m sure he will listen to you if you try. Whether he responds or not is completely up to him. I’m not saying he’s going to make the right decision, Vivi. All I’m saying is that you only have so much power over this situation. Ultimately, in the end, it’s up to Mike. He has the final say.”
If anyone else would have said this to me, I would have crumbled. Something about Mrs. Carden and her words – whether I wanted to hear them or not – made me feel safe, comforted, loved. She was telling me something I needed to hear. She wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear. She wasn’t lying. She was being completely honest and yet, incredibly tactful, and I appreciated every second of it. Why can’t Mrs. Carden be my mom?
What else could I do but hug her?
“I think you know what you need to do, Vivi,” she said. “I won’t listen.”
I nodded, wiped my tears away once more, and stood. Mike’s door was just down the hallway, mere feet away.
I had no intention of entering his room, not like he would have let me in anyway. I knocked quietly on his door, just so he knew I was there. I didn’t know if he was asleep or awake or whether he could hear me or if he was even listening. The uncertainty made me nervous, but I opened my mouth to speak anyway.
“Mike, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I love you and I hope you know that. You’re my best friend and I really can’t imagine life without you. I don’t want to lose you, Mike. And regardless of what we do to each other, I will always love you. I didn’t mean what I said. I can understand if you don’t want to talk to me or see me or hear from me, but I wish we could talk about this. I said I wouldn’t wait, but…”
I couldn’t finish the sentence.
I don’t know why, but I put my hand on the doorknob. I didn’t go in because I knew he didn’t want me there, but I so desperately wanted to see him again. I knew this was going to be the last time. I didn’t want it to be the last time, but I knew, deep down, that we weren’t going to see each other after this moment.
“Goodbye, Mike,” I took my hand off the doorknob. “And…good luck.”
I was pleased to see Mrs. Carden. She smiled warmly at me, though her eyes were telling a much different story. She let me in, picking up Little Jack so he wouldn’t nip at my ankles. “We haven’t seen you in awhile! I was just making dinner. Would you like anything?”
“Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Carden. It’s okay,” I said, standing awkwardly in the mouth of the kitchen.
“How’s school?” she asked, putting Little Jack down, who proceeded to sniff my shoes and apparently decided I was no longer a threat. She began slicing a stalk of celery.
“It’s good,” I nodded. “It’s really busy, but good.”
“That’s good. How are your parents?”
“They’re good. Dad’s dating again, so that’s nice for him,” I appreciated what she was doing, I really did, but I didn’t want to prolong things any longer. “Look, Mrs. Carden, is Mike home?”
She put down the knife and nodded sullenly. “He is. I haven’t seen him leave his room since he got back, though. He hasn’t said a word to anyone.”
I sighed heavily, tears dripping silently down my face.
“Vivi, what happened?”
I stood there for a really long time, trying to collect my thoughts, steady my breathing, and calm myself down, before I said anything. “I really messed up.” My voice caught in my throat.
“Oh, honey,” Mrs. Carden said, coming to me swiftly and giving me a hug. She smoothed my hair with her hands as I tried to contain the wave of tears that were due at any moment. “What happened?”
“I – I overreacted. I said things I shouldn’t have said and I did things I shouldn’t have done. I was angry, I was hurt. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I was in no state to make decisions,” I rambled, shaking my head. “I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have broken up with him. I’m scared I’m going to lose my best friend.”
“I figured you two had broken up. I didn’t really want to believe it, but there are some things that are very obvious,” she said sympathetically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what did he do? Because I know he did something.”
“It’s so stupid, now that I think about it. I shouldn’t have even gotten mad,” I wiped tears from my cheeks. “It’s just – he didn’t tell me he was leaving, that he was going on tour. It’s a stupid thing to get mad about. I should be happy for him. I should be there for him.”
“Vivi, if he left and didn’t tell me, I would be very upset as well,” she said, shaking her head.
“But he has to tell you,” I smiled, though tears were still leaking out of my eyes. “You’re his mom.”
“He had an obligation to you, as well. You aren’t wrong to be mad at him. He should have told you,” she said. “And that’s that.”
“I guess,” I murmured, chewing on my bottom lip. Mrs. Carden studied me patiently, waiting for me to speak again. I didn’t know what to say. I looked up at her and saw she was wearing an expression of such sympathy and caring and love. Tears ensued. “I’m not going to be able to get him back.” I said pathetically, tilting my head back.
“The best you can do is try,”
There were so many things I could say right now. I could remind her that Mike is stubborn as a mule. I could remind her that I’m stubborn as a mule. I could tell her there was no point in trying to fix things with Mike because I knew I had fucked up beyond all recognition. I could apologize for treating her son so poorly and for never really appreciating everything he was to me until now. I could tell her she was right. I could tell her she was wrong, that there is so much more I could do.
But I didn’t say any of these things. How could I?
“He’s not going to listen to me,” I finally said. Saying this was difficult. Regarding my current predicament, this was my greatest fear. Sure, I didn’t want him to reject my apologies, but if he didn’t listen at all…that would be far worse.
“Let me tell you something about Mike,” Mrs. Carden started, leading me to the couch. “Mike is definitely his own person. He’s very headstrong, as I’m sure you know. He’s opinionated and stubborn and will not do anything he doesn’t want to do. He’s just like his dad and he has been for his entire life. And I doubt that’s ever going to change.” She paused, swallowed, and continued. “Mike has a lot of pride. More so than any other person I have ever met. When someone steps on his pride, or, say, calls him out on his mistakes as you did, he…he feels like he’s being attacked. And as I’m sure you’ve noticed, he does not respond well to being attacked.” She explained, choosing her words carefully.
In the five or so years that I’ve known Mrs. Carden, I’ve never really sat down and had a proper conversation with her, nonetheless an in-depth discussion about Mike’s personality flaws. I listened with every fiber of my being.
“The problem with Mike is that he never fesses up to anything. For as long as I can remember, he’s been blaming things on his brother, on the dog, on his dad, on his car, on the school system, on things that don’t exist – he will never admit he is wrong. He hates being wrong. He hates when other people realize he’s wrong. And he really hates when someone tells him he is wrong. Nothing irks him more. What you did, in his mind, it was the ultimate blow to his pride. You conveyed to him that it was wrong for him to have not told you about the tour. And not only did you tell him it was wrong, you told him you weren’t okay with it and you then punished him for it. Mike is not used to being punished, to say the least.”
Hearing Mrs. Carden say these things about her son was so odd. She must know Mike pretty damn well to examine his behaviors and make sense of them. I don’t think my mom could analyze me like this. She would have no idea where to start. But Mrs. Carden was saying things like she was a fucking psychoanalyst.
Now that I think about it, Mrs. Carden hasn’t always been a school board official. She had to have gone to college for some other reason, right? Maybe she majored in Psychology? I think Mike may have mentioned that at some time or another…
“Mike probably doesn’t know what to do right now. He’s definitely on the defensive, that’s for sure. I’m sure he will listen to you if you try. Whether he responds or not is completely up to him. I’m not saying he’s going to make the right decision, Vivi. All I’m saying is that you only have so much power over this situation. Ultimately, in the end, it’s up to Mike. He has the final say.”
If anyone else would have said this to me, I would have crumbled. Something about Mrs. Carden and her words – whether I wanted to hear them or not – made me feel safe, comforted, loved. She was telling me something I needed to hear. She wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear. She wasn’t lying. She was being completely honest and yet, incredibly tactful, and I appreciated every second of it. Why can’t Mrs. Carden be my mom?
What else could I do but hug her?
“I think you know what you need to do, Vivi,” she said. “I won’t listen.”
I nodded, wiped my tears away once more, and stood. Mike’s door was just down the hallway, mere feet away.
I had no intention of entering his room, not like he would have let me in anyway. I knocked quietly on his door, just so he knew I was there. I didn’t know if he was asleep or awake or whether he could hear me or if he was even listening. The uncertainty made me nervous, but I opened my mouth to speak anyway.
“Mike, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I love you and I hope you know that. You’re my best friend and I really can’t imagine life without you. I don’t want to lose you, Mike. And regardless of what we do to each other, I will always love you. I didn’t mean what I said. I can understand if you don’t want to talk to me or see me or hear from me, but I wish we could talk about this. I said I wouldn’t wait, but…”
I couldn’t finish the sentence.
I don’t know why, but I put my hand on the doorknob. I didn’t go in because I knew he didn’t want me there, but I so desperately wanted to see him again. I knew this was going to be the last time. I didn’t want it to be the last time, but I knew, deep down, that we weren’t going to see each other after this moment.
“Goodbye, Mike,” I took my hand off the doorknob. “And…good luck.”