You Are My Addiction

I'm falling, cascaded throughout a sea of stars. I'm trying to comprehend what's happening but my brain is on lock down, choosing not to work at the moment. I feel free but completely isolated. I don't know how much I like the feeling. I'm surrounded by beauty but I can't hold onto it for long. Suddenly, I've stopped falling; I'm placed on my two feet again, but this feels worse than before. I have absolutely no control over what's happening; it won't give me a choice. And then I'm screaming because I feel so incomplete, so helpless, and I don't know what to do.

I wake up with a jolt for the third time this week; the dreams have been getting to me lately. They don't even seem that bad whenever I take the time to really think about them, but I can sense the truth in them; I just don't know what that means yet. Part of me finds this to be terrifying because I'm not sure I'm going to like what they mean.

I turn over on my side to look at the clock; 5:41 in the morning. I might as well stay up since I only have an hour until I actually have to get up to go to school. A shower would be good now anyways, since my dream hasn't neglected to drown me in my own sweat. I jump out of bed, completely awake, and walk over to my closet, grabbing a fresh pair of boxers and then heading over to the bathroom.

Stepping into the freezing cold water instantly made me feel better. Usually I took the time to think while I was in the shower, but the coldness of the water allowed my mine a rest and the only thing I could manage to think about was the cold. I only lasted about two minutes with the water that temperature though, before I had to make it a little bit warmer.

I slipped on my boxers once I got out and grabbed my cell phone from my room before slipping out of my window and onto my roof to call Mitchell. He is my best friend and has been since the beginning of my high school career. He has gotten me through the last three years and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

I didn't really have many friends in elementary school so entering high school with all of these built up expectations of it through my teachers and movies made it especially scary for me. It wasn't that bad my first week if I'm being honest here. I met my friend Ashley within the first few days and I still love her to this very day. Mitch came along half way through the first month when he moved here from Alberta. He was the first openly gay person I had ever met and something about the way he carried himself made me like him. He sat down beside me during math one day and we instantly bonded; we've been best friends ever since.

"What do you want, Grant?" Mitch said answering the phone in his sleepy voice. I laughed enjoying the fact that I had woken him up. "You do realize that it's six in the morning right?" You would think he would be used to this by now since I always call him whenever I have a bad dream. Granted, I've never actually went into depth with my dreams so he probably thinks I'm a crazy person. The dreams wouldn't even sound that bad if I were to say them out loud anyways, so there's basically no point in telling them.

"Couldn't sleep." I said softly. I looked up, noticing the sun peaking through the somewhat dark sky. I loved sitting on this roof top; it was my own secret place. I think my mom would kill me if she knew. My dad on the other hand doesn't really care at all. He has come out and sat here with me sometimes to get away from his very chaotic life. I think my mom just doesn't want Lily, my younger sister, to get any ideas if she by chance sees me up here.

"You know, most people would consider this a couple-like thing to do." He said and I could just see his very smug smirk I knew he was wearing on his face right now. Who cares what people would consider it to be like? I needed my best friend at the moment. I know it's probably weird to say this but just hearing Mitch's voice calms me down. It's the reason I like calling him after a dream.

"What if what most people think ends up being the truth?" I said teasing him. He had told me before that he considered me attractive and I liked to bug him about it sometimes. It's not like he has feelings for me anyways, so it's not a big deal. Besides, I found flirting with him to be sort of fun.

"Oh shut up, Grant, you aren't gay." I could tell by his reply that he wasn't in the mood for my teasing at the moment. I decided to save the flirting for a better day; I could already tell that he was going to be grumpy for the remainder of today. I hated his grumpy days but it was probably a result of his non-accepting father. His family situation is a little messed up and this week is week two which means he stays with his dad until Sunday,

"Sorry," I said seriously, "I guess I just needed to hear your voice." I could hear him sigh on the other end but he didn't say anything for a while. I started wondering if that was weird to say considering the fact that I am one hundred percent straight. I always say things like this to him though, so I don't think it's too big of a deal.

"I'll see you at school, bro." And then the line was dead and I sat there staring at the now brightly lit up sky. It always amazed me how the sky could be so dark one minute then so light the next and vice verse. I stayed in the same spot until my cell phone read 6:45 and then I went back inside where I was immediately hit with the air conditioning. It felt nice on my skin since it had been so hot and humid outside.

I got dressed in a plain black shirt and some ripped jeans before spiking my hair in it's usual way and heading downstairs for breakfast. I was in the middle of pouring myself a bowl of cereal when Lily pranced in wearing a yellow sundress and begging for a bowl too. I poured her the same cereal I was having which was "Cinnamon Toast Crunch" and handed it to her.

"Thank you, Monkey." She said in that adorable way she had. I don't exactly know where the nickname came from but she's always called me it; ever since she was two years old and still learning new words. I would do anything for her and she is probably the cutest five year old I have ever seen, even if you take out the biased opinion. Her blonde curls always fall so nicely on her shoulders and her big bright blue eyes were going to break hearts one day.

"You are welcome, Booger." I said continuing to pour my own cereal again. I sat down beside her and we both ate in silence, clearly starving. I laughed as she stuffed her face, leaving crumbs on the sides of her lips. She was so little and so innocent with her rosy cheeks and brilliant smile and I would do anything to have her stay that way; I never want her to grow up.

"Monkey?" She said once she finished eating and looked up at me. I looked at her waiting for her to continue. "People at school keep telling me that daddy is a bad person." I dropped my spoon in my bowl of cereal, unable to continue eating anymore. I found myself hating the people at her school, even if they were only young and most of them were the same age as Lily.

"What d-do you tell them?" I said trying to keep myself composed. My father had been to jail once a few years ago but it was only because he was trying to stop a fight. He didn't do anything wrong, but since he was there when someone ended up dead he was pegged and thrown into the slammer. I cannot believe parents are actually feeding their kids such bullshit.

"I tell them that my daddy is a wonderful person and they are wrong." I smiled in response to her. She was so young but so wise and incredibly strong. I just really hoped none of the kids were giving her hell and making her an outsider. I want her to have a happy child hood.

"That's exactly what you say, Lily. Daddy is so much better than the rest of their fathers." I said and then realized that she might go around saying this and starting trouble. "But that's our little secret, okay?" I added sticking my hand out and wiggling my pinky at her.

"Our secret." She said as she looped her pinky around mine and then we both proceeded with the rest of our secret handshake. I smiled at how small her voice was and how much life she was filled with. She didn't seem to ever let anything get her down. Someone said something about her dad and she tells them off. She's my favourite person in this entire world.