If I Was Your Boyfriend
one hundred-forty two.
Justin’s Point of View
I sit in the room glancing around waiting for Selena to talk. She sits silently on her bed with her knees supporting her chin. Her dark eyes never find mine as we sit in the room quietly. I look down at my hands that gripped the material of this chair. This was the chair was apart of a lot memories. This where Selena told me she loved me. I was shocked but I didn’t waste time saying it back. We sat in that chair for hours after that, just saying it over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of saying it back then. This was also the chair where I held her after she came from the hospital when her mom had her own miscarriage. She was curled in my lap for hours bawling her eyes out while I tried to comfort her. I never saw her cry that much as I did that night. I never saw any girl cry that much as I did that night. Not even Chrissy. And I’ve seen her cry plenty.
‘Why are you here?’ Selena sniffs growing more and more impatient with my presence.
‘I already told you,’ I breathe out looking over at her, ‘I want to know everything.’
‘Where’s your little puppy that follows you around everywhere?’
‘Stop stalling,’ I retort trying to stop my foot from bouncing, ‘I need to know exactly what happened.’
…
‘The doctors all said it’s common within the first few months of pregnancy.’
‘I don’t understand.’ I run a hand through my hair looking at Selena through my blurred vision.
‘Neither do they. They can’t explain it but sometimes the chromosomes don’t line up like they’re supposed to.’
‘Wait, so is something wrong with one of us?’
‘No, they said that it’s not something we did. It’s just something that happens sometimes.’
‘So when you told me you were on those birth control pills…?’
‘I lied.’ She swallows, ‘I stopped taking them for awhile, they messed up my period.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I didn’t tell anyone!’ she shouts causing me to move back in the chair, ‘I was scared! You were getting ready for this huge tour and I was auditioning for all of those movies. I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to the media. I just knew that both of our lives would be turned upside down once they caught wind of it all. So I decided to play it cool and wait it out just until I was out of the clear. Then, something wasn’t right. I just felt that something was wrong in the pit of my stomach so I made a secret appointment with my doctor. That’s when they told me the news. I always tried to find the right way to tell you but it never seemed to be the right time. I couldn’t really blame her, I guess. We were growing apart before she came into the picture. She was the straw that broke the camel’s back though. I pushed that dark secret deep down and I never talked about it.’
‘You kept this hidden from me for months. How did you think that something like that was okay? Don’t you think that’s something I should’ve been filled in on?’
‘It didn’t matter anymore! You were with her and you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.’
‘You made me not want nothing to do with you! You treated Chrissy like she was nothing. I couldn’t believe that someone I loved so much could be so hurtful to someone as innocent as her. I gave you several chances to be somewhat civil about our relationship but you couldn’t do it.’
‘You can see why I couldn’t be “civil” about it! I tried to stop. I tried not to care. But you were mine and she stole you away from me! I didn’t want to think about how I lost something that was ours, together but this whole Larry Carter stuff started. You went out of your way to protect her with this whole stalker thing – you put yourself in harm’s way for her and I wanted that. Then rumor came out that she was pregnant with your child and I was infuriated. I couldn’t watch quietly while you two had something that we should’ve had. I saw you in London and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to say something.’
‘Selena, I don’t know what you want me to say.’
‘Tell me that you love me.’
Chrissy’s Point of View
When life leaves you high and dry, I’ll be at your door tonight. If you need help, if you need help.
I’ll shut down the city lights, I’ll lie, cheat, I’ll beg, and bribe, to make you well, to make you well.
When enemies are at your door, I’ll carry you away from war. If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string. I’ll share in your suffering, to make you well, to make you well.
Give me reasons to believe, that you would do the same for me.
And I would do it for you, for you. Baby, I’m not moving on, I’ll love you long after you’re gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone; I’ll love you long after you go. And long after your gone, gone, gone.
When you fall like a statue, I’m gonna be there to catch you. Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
‘Can you please turn that off?’ I ask the cab driver wiping my wet cheeks.
Hours later I had finally landed in LA. I jumped into the first cab that was waiting near the terminal and asked the driver to take me to the apartment. I impatiently wait while the driver powers through the thick LA traffic. My heart pounds as we get closer and closer to the apartment.
‘Thank you!’ I call, tossing the money to the driver and jumping out of the car struggling with my suitcase in the process.
I hit the new pin code to the new security system Justin had installed before we left for London. I drop my suitcase at the door and run up the stairs to check the bedroom.
‘Jay!’ I shout running around the vacant apartment, ‘Justin!’
I decide to sit there until he comes back. Maybe he went to see Selena or Pattie, or maybe even Scooter. Or maybe just Selena. I sit down in the empty living room waiting for him to walk through the door. He never does. I sat there for hours and hours and hours. It was after three in the morning when I fall asleep on the sofa. The next morning I go upstairs to shower and get changed for the day. I wait around in the apartment for Justin, again he never comes. I sent numerous texts and left tons of messages just to be ignored.
I’m at the apartment and I’ve been at the apartment for two days now and haven’t heard from you. I’m really worried about you. Please answer me. Just let me know that you’re okay. I’m not trying to be the clingy, overbearing girlfriend but you really need to send me a message telling me that you’re fine. But maybe I am overreacting but I hate feeling defenseless like this. I hate not being able to help someone I love so much. There’s just so much that’s happen with us lately and another thing is thrown our way. I hurt for you and Selena, both. I can’t possibly fathom how you’re feeling right now. I love you more than anything else in the world. – Chrissy.
…
A car door shuts outside in the middle of the night causing me to jump up from the sofa. I rush to the door to see Justin getting out of a taxi. He trudges his way up the steps, his head hanging low. I stand in the doorway watching him carefully. He meets my eyes with a weary frown.
‘You’re back.’ I speak following him up the steps. ‘Where have you been?’
‘I owe you an apology.’ He finally speaks after long, agonizing seconds. ‘Even if I was wasted I had no right to talk to you the way I did. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’
I knew Justin. We’ve been dating for over a year now, not counting the breakup. I knew him all too well. I knew that there was something he wasn’t saying. I knew that something was lying behind those deep brown eyes of his. His soft, pink lips wobble as he looks up at me. His eyes are glossed over with oncoming tears.
‘Justin, why are you looking at me like that?’ I blink confused moving closer to him.
‘What are you talking about? This is the way I’ve always looked at you. Like you’re the most incredible, understanding, courageous girl I’ve ever met. I look at you like I don’t deserve your love and respect. I look at you like you’ve changed my life in ways that I could never tell you with words.’ His voice cracks, failing him.
‘You’re scaring me.’ I croak watching Justin pack a duffle bag full of clothes, ‘Are you leaving?’
‘I just need to be there, for her. Right now.’ He replies slowly walking over to me.
He presses his lips to my forehead gently pulling away. I nearly crumble from the loss of contact.
‘I have to go.’ He walks down the stairs leaving me in the bedroom.
‘Justin!’ I ring out running to the top of the stairs.
‘Yeah?’ he turns to me wiping his cheek.
‘Are you coming back?’
‘I love you Chrissy.’ Justin responds before grabbing his keys from the coffee table and climbing into his car.
I sit in the room glancing around waiting for Selena to talk. She sits silently on her bed with her knees supporting her chin. Her dark eyes never find mine as we sit in the room quietly. I look down at my hands that gripped the material of this chair. This was the chair was apart of a lot memories. This where Selena told me she loved me. I was shocked but I didn’t waste time saying it back. We sat in that chair for hours after that, just saying it over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of saying it back then. This was also the chair where I held her after she came from the hospital when her mom had her own miscarriage. She was curled in my lap for hours bawling her eyes out while I tried to comfort her. I never saw her cry that much as I did that night. I never saw any girl cry that much as I did that night. Not even Chrissy. And I’ve seen her cry plenty.
‘Why are you here?’ Selena sniffs growing more and more impatient with my presence.
‘I already told you,’ I breathe out looking over at her, ‘I want to know everything.’
‘Where’s your little puppy that follows you around everywhere?’
‘Stop stalling,’ I retort trying to stop my foot from bouncing, ‘I need to know exactly what happened.’
…
‘The doctors all said it’s common within the first few months of pregnancy.’
‘I don’t understand.’ I run a hand through my hair looking at Selena through my blurred vision.
‘Neither do they. They can’t explain it but sometimes the chromosomes don’t line up like they’re supposed to.’
‘Wait, so is something wrong with one of us?’
‘No, they said that it’s not something we did. It’s just something that happens sometimes.’
‘So when you told me you were on those birth control pills…?’
‘I lied.’ She swallows, ‘I stopped taking them for awhile, they messed up my period.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I didn’t tell anyone!’ she shouts causing me to move back in the chair, ‘I was scared! You were getting ready for this huge tour and I was auditioning for all of those movies. I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to the media. I just knew that both of our lives would be turned upside down once they caught wind of it all. So I decided to play it cool and wait it out just until I was out of the clear. Then, something wasn’t right. I just felt that something was wrong in the pit of my stomach so I made a secret appointment with my doctor. That’s when they told me the news. I always tried to find the right way to tell you but it never seemed to be the right time. I couldn’t really blame her, I guess. We were growing apart before she came into the picture. She was the straw that broke the camel’s back though. I pushed that dark secret deep down and I never talked about it.’
‘You kept this hidden from me for months. How did you think that something like that was okay? Don’t you think that’s something I should’ve been filled in on?’
‘It didn’t matter anymore! You were with her and you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.’
‘You made me not want nothing to do with you! You treated Chrissy like she was nothing. I couldn’t believe that someone I loved so much could be so hurtful to someone as innocent as her. I gave you several chances to be somewhat civil about our relationship but you couldn’t do it.’
‘You can see why I couldn’t be “civil” about it! I tried to stop. I tried not to care. But you were mine and she stole you away from me! I didn’t want to think about how I lost something that was ours, together but this whole Larry Carter stuff started. You went out of your way to protect her with this whole stalker thing – you put yourself in harm’s way for her and I wanted that. Then rumor came out that she was pregnant with your child and I was infuriated. I couldn’t watch quietly while you two had something that we should’ve had. I saw you in London and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to say something.’
‘Selena, I don’t know what you want me to say.’
‘Tell me that you love me.’
Chrissy’s Point of View
When life leaves you high and dry, I’ll be at your door tonight. If you need help, if you need help.
I’ll shut down the city lights, I’ll lie, cheat, I’ll beg, and bribe, to make you well, to make you well.
When enemies are at your door, I’ll carry you away from war. If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string. I’ll share in your suffering, to make you well, to make you well.
Give me reasons to believe, that you would do the same for me.
And I would do it for you, for you. Baby, I’m not moving on, I’ll love you long after you’re gone. For you, for you. You will never sleep alone; I’ll love you long after you go. And long after your gone, gone, gone.
When you fall like a statue, I’m gonna be there to catch you. Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
‘Can you please turn that off?’ I ask the cab driver wiping my wet cheeks.
Hours later I had finally landed in LA. I jumped into the first cab that was waiting near the terminal and asked the driver to take me to the apartment. I impatiently wait while the driver powers through the thick LA traffic. My heart pounds as we get closer and closer to the apartment.
‘Thank you!’ I call, tossing the money to the driver and jumping out of the car struggling with my suitcase in the process.
I hit the new pin code to the new security system Justin had installed before we left for London. I drop my suitcase at the door and run up the stairs to check the bedroom.
‘Jay!’ I shout running around the vacant apartment, ‘Justin!’
I decide to sit there until he comes back. Maybe he went to see Selena or Pattie, or maybe even Scooter. Or maybe just Selena. I sit down in the empty living room waiting for him to walk through the door. He never does. I sat there for hours and hours and hours. It was after three in the morning when I fall asleep on the sofa. The next morning I go upstairs to shower and get changed for the day. I wait around in the apartment for Justin, again he never comes. I sent numerous texts and left tons of messages just to be ignored.
I’m at the apartment and I’ve been at the apartment for two days now and haven’t heard from you. I’m really worried about you. Please answer me. Just let me know that you’re okay. I’m not trying to be the clingy, overbearing girlfriend but you really need to send me a message telling me that you’re fine. But maybe I am overreacting but I hate feeling defenseless like this. I hate not being able to help someone I love so much. There’s just so much that’s happen with us lately and another thing is thrown our way. I hurt for you and Selena, both. I can’t possibly fathom how you’re feeling right now. I love you more than anything else in the world. – Chrissy.
…
A car door shuts outside in the middle of the night causing me to jump up from the sofa. I rush to the door to see Justin getting out of a taxi. He trudges his way up the steps, his head hanging low. I stand in the doorway watching him carefully. He meets my eyes with a weary frown.
‘You’re back.’ I speak following him up the steps. ‘Where have you been?’
‘I owe you an apology.’ He finally speaks after long, agonizing seconds. ‘Even if I was wasted I had no right to talk to you the way I did. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.’
I knew Justin. We’ve been dating for over a year now, not counting the breakup. I knew him all too well. I knew that there was something he wasn’t saying. I knew that something was lying behind those deep brown eyes of his. His soft, pink lips wobble as he looks up at me. His eyes are glossed over with oncoming tears.
‘Justin, why are you looking at me like that?’ I blink confused moving closer to him.
‘What are you talking about? This is the way I’ve always looked at you. Like you’re the most incredible, understanding, courageous girl I’ve ever met. I look at you like I don’t deserve your love and respect. I look at you like you’ve changed my life in ways that I could never tell you with words.’ His voice cracks, failing him.
‘You’re scaring me.’ I croak watching Justin pack a duffle bag full of clothes, ‘Are you leaving?’
‘I just need to be there, for her. Right now.’ He replies slowly walking over to me.
He presses his lips to my forehead gently pulling away. I nearly crumble from the loss of contact.
‘I have to go.’ He walks down the stairs leaving me in the bedroom.
‘Justin!’ I ring out running to the top of the stairs.
‘Yeah?’ he turns to me wiping his cheek.
‘Are you coming back?’
‘I love you Chrissy.’ Justin responds before grabbing his keys from the coffee table and climbing into his car.