If I Was Your Boyfriend

‘Are you sure everything’s okay? You’ve been so quiet since you got here. I know what you’re going through is taking its toll on you. I just want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay, you know that right?’

‘Yeah.’ He simply replies chewing on his thumbnail. ‘I just don’t know how I’m supposed to handle all of this. I don’t know what I’m really supposed to say or do.’

‘I know this may be a bit premature but maybe you could talk to someone.’

‘And have the word get out and Selena hate me? That is the last thing that I would be able to do. People in Hollywood can’t keep their mouths shut. This would make all of our lives a living hell honestly. I’m not ready for word to get out. Neither is she.’

‘Okay.’

‘I don’t even know how I’m going to tell my parents about this.’

‘When are you going to tell them?’

‘I don’t know. It’s not something that I could exactly break gently over the phone. I was thinking about going to Canada for a few days just to get away from all of this but I don’t know.’

‘I’m saying this with all the love in world. It’s not really something that you can exactly run from, you know?’

‘I’m not running.’

‘It’s not something you can get away from Justin. You can go to Canada, you can go to France, you could even go to Mars for crying out loud. It’ll still be there. This tragedy still would have happened. You won’t be able to escape it.’

‘Why are you so much smarter than I am?’

‘I’m not. You’re dealing with a lot more than I am right now.’

‘You know how much I love you, right?’ Justin signals me to come over to him.

‘Tell me again.’ I smile sitting down on the edge of his legs.

‘More than anyone has ever loved anyone else in the world.’

‘To the moon and back?’

‘To the moon and back one hundred times.’

‘Always?’

‘Even after that.’

‘I waited for a while at the apartment and you never came back. Where did you end up sleeping?’

‘Just in Selena’s guest room.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, her mom insisted. I didn’t really know how to say no.’

I don’t reply instantly, instead I purse my lips looking down at the patio. Justin presses his forehead to my arm with a low sigh.

‘Are you mad?’

‘Not mad. I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean I trust you and all but would a hotel really have been so terrible?’

‘I’ll stay a hotel next time, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Don’t be mad at me, please.’

‘I’m not.’

‘I love you.’ He singsongs tightening his grip.

‘I love you Justin.’

‘Would my beautiful girlfriend like to spend the day with me?’

‘I wouldn’t like anything better.’ I smile sliding off of Justin’s lap.

Justin and I go all around LA for hours. He takes me out for lunch, drags me to the movie theatre, pulls me to the mall, treats me to frozen yogurt, and pays for dinner.

‘You have absolutely spoiled me.’ I laugh dropping my bags at the door.

‘I think you deserved a day out.’

‘I think we both did but can I ask you something?’

‘You can ask me anything.’ He replies following me to my bedroom.

‘I love spending the day with you and you know that. I just think you seemed a little distracted today, almost as if there was something you were avoiding.’

‘That’s crazy.’ He smiles assuring, ‘I just got a lot on my mind right now but I’m not avoiding anything.’

‘You don’t have to put on a brave face for me.’

‘I know.’

‘Then talk to me.’

‘I don’t get why you’re pushing the subject so much. I don’t know what you want from me at this point. I’m just trying to take a break from all of that right now. I don’t want to talk to a shrink about it. I don’t want to think about it. I just wanted to spend the day with my girlfriend without her looking at me like I was some kind of wounded dog that needed to be coddled. So can you just drop it for Christ’s sake?’

‘I was just trying to help. I just wanted to be there for you. I’m sorry.’ I croak walking into the bathroom closing my door behind me.

‘Baby,’ Justin knocks on the door after a few moments, ‘I- look, I’m sorry.’

‘No, you’re right.’

‘No, I’m not. I’m a jerk.’ His voice is muffled against the door, ‘Can I come in?’

‘It’s unlocked.’ I announce sitting on the bathroom counter.

‘I was out of line a few minutes ago. I don’t ever want you to think that I’m not appreciative of you because I am. I could never tell you how much I appreciate you. Thank you for being there for me.’

‘I know that I’ve been bugging you about it today but I just feel like something’s bothering you and I hate feeling helpless. I just want to make you feel better some kind of way and I don’t know how I can.’

‘There is something bothering me but it’s not what you think it is.’

‘What is it?’ I question looking up at him with curious eyes.

I watch as Justin opens his mouth and closes it again. His legs bounce nervously tapping at the bathroom cabinets. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he always did when he was anxious. Justin looks at me the same way he did the night he left. There was something he was holding back yet again.

‘Nothing.’ He mutters under his breath finally, ‘Forget I said anything.’

‘Maybe you should just go.’

‘Wait, why?’

‘I don’t like feeling that you’re hiding something from me. This relationship means nothing if we can’t be honest with each other. I thought with all of the stuff we’ve been through together we could tell each other anything. I don’t ask much of you Justin. I just want you to be honest with me. I think that’s only fair because I’m honest with you.’

‘I don’t know what to say. I know that you’re never going to forgive me and I’m not ready to lose you Chrissy. I can’t afford to lose you right now.’

‘Why would I never forgive you? What happened?’

Justin opens his mouth just to be cut off by his phone ringing. He exhales deeply pulling his phone out of his pocket.

‘It’s Selena.’

I sit there quietly as he talks to her on the phone. He tells her that he was at my house and then he asks her what’s wrong. After a few minutes of talking he tells her how he’ll see her soon. The more he talked to her the more I felt like I was losing him.

‘I’ll see you later.’

‘So that’s the end of the conversation? What happened to what you were just saying? I’m sorry if that seems selfish.’

‘I really need to go.’

‘To her, again.’ I bite my lip forbidding myself to cry in front of Justin.

‘I’m at a hard place right now. I’m trying to be here for both of you right now.’

‘It honestly seems like you’re only here for one of us.’ I go into my room and lie across the bed.

‘You know that’s not true.’

‘Are we together or is this an open relationship? I know that you need to be there for her but I don’t the idea that I have you in the day and you go back to your old life at night.’

‘I’m not going back to my old life, Chris.’

‘You are. Whether you see it or not. You’re living a double life Justin. Just go, no need to keep her waiting.’

‘I’ll call you before I go to bed.’

‘Don’t bother.’

Justin’s Point of View

I get into my car and slammed the door, annoyed at myself. Selena was waiting for me. Chrissy was pissed at me.

‘Hello, there.’ Mandy pulls me into the house once I make it there.

‘Hey.’

‘Will you be staying with us tonight?’

‘No. I’m not staying. That doesn’t help anyone.’

‘Okay, let me know if you change your mind.’

‘Will do.’ I sigh heading up the stairs, ‘I’m here – what’s wrong?’

‘Why did there have to be something wrong?’

‘Because you said there was.’ I point out, almost regretting coming here.

‘Sit down; you’re making me anxious. What’s wrong?’

‘Chrissy’s pissed at me.’

‘And I thought I was heartless and selfish.’

‘Don’t talk about her like that. I’m not talking about my relationship, not with you.’

‘Good. She is the last thing I want to talk about anyway.’

‘Look Selena, I’m trying to be here for you because of the difficult situation we’re in but if you’re going to talk about her in a negative way I can’t be here.’

‘Fine.’

Chrissy was right. I was living this sick double life. I was disgusted with myself. I spend the day with my girlfriend and the night with my ex.

‘I need to know if you remember anything happen with us last night.’ I blurt out staring at Selena.

‘What did you just say?’

‘You heard me. Last night. You and me. I need to know.’