If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin stares at me from across the room with his arms folded across his chest. The blaring music from the after party caused the thin walls of the club to rattle along with the rhythm. I watch silently as he paces back and forth across the room with the bridge of his nose pinched between his fingers. I could easily read how anxious he was right now and the last thing I wanted to do was fight with him. Justin was the one who insisted that we went to a private room to talk, immediately.

‘Justin, I don’t know what you want with me. I think we should really get back out there before people start to come up with all kinds of theories about we were doing in a room in the back of some club.’

‘I could care less about what people are speculating right now Chrissy, I need to talk to you,’ he finally speaks after a while, ‘why are you being so distant and cold towards me? You’ve been doing it all night.’

‘I don’t think this conversation will do either of us any good right now,’ I quietly warn pressing my back against the wall.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

I sigh not looking Justin in his deep brown eyes that easily turn me into a puddle of mush every time I get lost in them. I remember getting to the American Music Awards with Garrett and Danielle where we immediately headed inside of the building just before the show was about to start. Jennifer Lopez comes out and does this extravagant number that has everyone on their feet. In the middle of her number I spot Justin on the other side of the room in the front row making his way to his seat. Ryan and Nichole trailed behind him and his large security guard. The night seemed to by quickly, before I knew it someone came to get me so I can present the next award. I hand the award off to the group before stepping back as they thanked their fans. I glance around the room, my eyes meeting Justin’s. He offers a gentle smile from where he sat while Nichole and Ryan waved. I subtlety waved my hand back, sure to not make a big scene while they were still speaking. Justin wins his award for Best Collaboration and hurries onto the stage along with Skrillex and Diplo. He politely lets them talk while he stands in the background since this was their very first award. Danielle notices my stare towards the stage and places a hand on my leg, offering a supportive smile. The night rolls on in a hurry and Justin was now on stage to close out the show. The lights were out and everyone, including Garrett had a thick purple, flashing glow stick. Justin stands on the stage dressed in a pair of jeans and a crème-colored hoodie along with a hat covering his hair with Dan in the background strumming on his guitar. He decides to open up with What Do You Mean. The music dies down after a few minutes causing the crowd to erupt with cheers. Justin rushes over to another part of the stage, ‘AMA’s what’s up?’ he calls as the music for Where Are U Now starts. Another set of deafening screams. He throws down the mic and breaks out into his own dance number. Suddenly water begins to fall from the ceiling where he stood and Sorry starts playing.

‘Wait, what is he doing?’ Danielle questions with an impressed smile, ‘is he actually dancing in the rain?’

‘It looks like it.’ I watch from where I stood as Justin kicks water around on the stage. The words Sorry appear on the backdrop in this gorgeous electric blue color.

‘Chris, I gotta admit – this is pretty badass.’ Garrett speaks over Danielle still waving his glow stick.

Justin drops to his knees with the water pouring down on his head. The arena whistles, claps, and screams for Justin. Those who weren’t standing up, stood from their seats to join in with the standing ovation. I clap along with them, ignoring the eyes placed on me.

‘Thank you!’ he waves heading off backstage.

‘After party time!’ Danielle and I squeal in unison, grabbing Garrett along in the process.

Jackie and her assistant are waiting at a hotel down the road with my outfit for the after party. I remember how much of a hurry Danielle and I were in to change while Garrett waited patiently. Jackie practically dressed me while her assistant messed with my hair and touched my makeup up. There was this insanely long line of blacked out SUVs outside the club where paparazzi waited. The driver pulls along the curb allowing all of us to get out of the car.

‘This is crazy!’ Danielle shouts over their questions as she slips her arms between me and Garrett.

The club was packed from every angle just as anticipated. We head over to bar grabbing a few drinks then going out onto the dance floor.

‘We definitely needed this, thank you!’ Danielle throws her arms around me before going back to dancing to the music.

‘Hey, long time no see!’ Nichole and Ryan walk over where we stood in our own little corner.

‘I know, it’s been too long! I saw the Maybelline ad on Sunset by the way. I’m so happy for you.’

‘Thank you, thank you!’

Within the last six months, Nichole’s modeling career had blown up. Whenever we would FaceTime or talk she was off to yet another place for a photo-shoot. Recently, she became the new face of Maybelline New York along with other young models.

‘How long are you guys in for?’ Garrett questions looking at Ryan.

Ryan, was in the process of filming his very own short film with some of his friends back in Canada. With their busy schedules I really hadn’t seen them since Justin and I broke up.

‘A couple of days. She’s here for some promo and I thought I would meet up some film people in LA. We should all get together and do something before we go back. It’s been a while since we all hung out.’

‘Definitely.’ I nod hesitantly, not knowing if that would involve sitting down with Justin and his new girlfriend. Speaking of, I wonder where Justin could be. If Nichole and Ryan were here he couldn’t be too far behind. Just as I thought, we weren’t with Ryan and Nichole long before Justin strolled in with some of his new friends and Jayde. I hear myself scoff as she proudly throws a long arm around his shoulder as they make their way to a private area strictly reserved for him.

‘Finally, he’s here. You guys should come up with us.’ Ryan speaks looking at his phone, I’m guessing Justin sent him a text, ‘it’s less crowded.’

‘No, you guys go ahead.’ Danielle answers sensing my tenseness, ‘we’ll just see you around.’

‘Alright, we will be back in a bit.’ Ryan replies grabbing a hold of Nichole’s hand to guide her through the mass of people.

I couldn’t believe he brought her with him. I know that we broke up months ago but come on, she’s one of the reasons we broke up to begin with. I wasn’t going to let her or the fact that they were together ruin tonight. Danielle and Garrett rarely come out and I promised them a good night. I was just going to have to suck it up or ignore it.

‘Chrissy,’ Justin interjects my thoughts, ‘what is that supposed to mean?’

‘I’m tired. I don’t want to fight with you anymore.’

‘Who said anything about fighting? I’m trying to have an actual conversation with you right now. Why can’t we have normal conversations like normal people anymore?’

‘Because it doesn’t solve anything!’ I unexpectedly snap at my ex boyfriend, ‘This,’ I gesture at the space between us, ‘will never change. There’s been too many words and things that have happened to change this. There’s been too many obstacles and too many people. We tried and we failed.’

‘Because you gave up!’ Justin exclaims from across the room taking me by surprise, ‘We didn’t fail you gave up Chrissy. You gave up me. On us. Even after all the shit we had to go through just to be where we were, you gave up. What happened to all those times that you told me that you would never leave me, that you would always be there for me no matter what? Did all those conversations not mean anything to you?’

‘Don’t you dare put all the blame on me. You know how those last few weeks were right before we broke up. I tried. I tried talking to you. I tried reasoning with you. I couldn’t keep waiting up at night wondering where you were or who you were with.’

‘Look I know that I made mistakes and that I screwed up repeatedly while I was with you but I thought we could make it through anything.’

‘How could you bring her here?’ I question, feeling my chin wobble uneasily. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Justin. To show that him being with her bothered me. I tried with every thing in me not to fall apart in front of him. ‘How could you?’ I croak, feeling that lump in my throat that you get when you know you’re about to break down at any possible moment.

‘What?’

‘You know how much time you were spending with her bothered me when we were together and now you’re dating her. Did you even consider how it would make me feel to see you flaunting your new girlfriend around the city? It hasn’t even been four months. We were together for over a year so don’t tell me about how I gave up on us when you couldn’t even wait a few months before jumping back into a relationship. With her of all the people in the world you could’ve got with nonetheless.’

‘Chrissy I-…’

‘Jay,’ Jayde pops her head through the door with a warning, ‘baby everyone’s been looking for you come back to the party.’

Jay. Baby. She actually called him Jay. I felt sick thinking of how I was the one who called him Jay for the last year. My vision of Justin becomes blurry with oncoming salty tears.

‘Chrissy.’ Justin starts again moving across the room to stand in front of me. He reaches out his hand to comfort me only to be shot down when I step back.

‘I will never forgive you for this.’ I swallow wiping the tears from my face walking past the girl who tauntingly stood in the doorway.