If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin’s Point of View

All night long I could not stop thinking about the uneventful night I just had with Chrissy. Her voice, cracking every time she spoke. Her beautiful eyes, clouded with salty tears because of me. Her face, how crushed it was when Jayde walked through that door. All of it – every gut-wrenching moment was burned in my mind. I was officially the worst ex boyfriend and person to ever exist. It wasn’t all my fault. I forgot that I invited Jayde to the after party a few weeks ago. I didn’t even know that Chrissy was going at that time. She broke up with me. I’m not saying that it wasn’t justified but what does she want me to do? I hated going home to an empty apartment. I didn’t want to be reminded how alone I was. Jayde’s presence made it where I didn’t feel so alone. I just didn’t want to be reminded of how screwed up I was without Chrissy. There was one thing I was sure about I wasn’t sleeping any time soon.

Chrissy’s Point of View

After the American Music Awards fiasco last night, I wasn’t in the mood of getting out of bed any time soon. I just wanted to lay in the cool sheets with Rocky cuddled up right next to me. My phone buzzes beside me, signaling someone calling. Justin. I sigh heavily declining the call. Once I left the after party I couldn’t help but wonder if I was too harsh on Justin last night. My phone buzzes once again, this time with a voice mail. I hesitantly press the play button after putting the phone on speaker.

‘Hey Chris, it’s me,’ Justin starts with a somber tone, ‘I kind of figured that you wouldn’t answer and I honestly don’t blame you. I’m trying to be better, I swear I am. I want to be the guy that you fell in love with and the guy that is worthy enough to be loved by Chrissy Thorton. Believe me, I’m trying to get back to that person. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for last night. You were right, I didn’t consider your feelings and I hate the fact that I hurt you. I’m not calling solely because I want forgiveness. I just wanted to call to let you know just how much I regret how that played out last night. Alright, that’s all I have to say I guess. Bye Chrissy.’

…

It had been nearly two weeks since Justin left the voicemail that morning. I hadn’t heard from him since. Things had been pretty calm around LA. I didn’t see Justin with Jayde since that night at the after party but I honestly wasn’t keeping track. The doorbell rings and I slip my feet into my flats before rushing over to the door to answer it.

‘Hey you,’ he smiles happily leaning against the door frame.

‘Hi, Ben. You ready?’ I inquire grabbing Rocky’s leash and signaling him to come on.

‘Yeah you look gorgeous today by the way,’ he wraps an arm around me while leading the way to the elevator.

I met Ben about a week ago. We had been out on only a few times but it’s been other every day. Paparazzi were able to sneak pictures of us at dinner last night and when we left my apartment together. He was tall, smart, funny and had this bright smile that gave me butterflies whenever he’d flash his pearly whites at me with adoration. Ben was a model for Burberry, I met him earlier in the week at an event in downtown LA.

‘Thank you,’ I reply in return as we head through the apartment’s lobby.

‘Have a good day Mr. Ben and Miss. Chrissy.’ Harmon speaks as he opens the large glass door.

‘Thank you Harmon.’ Ben speaks first while we walk down the road. ‘So where do you two want to go,’ he wraps Rocky’s leash around his wrist.

Rocky usually wasn’t the one to warm up to people instantly but for some reason he couldn’t get enough of Ben. He’d scratch at his ankles until he would ben finally bend down to touch his fur. Paparazzi annoyingly stalk behind us with their large cameras taking picture after picture. Of course they had to shout out questions about Justin. It wouldn’t be a normal run-in with them if they didn’t.

‘That’s so annoying.’ I frown shielding my face with my hand.

‘Yeah, I know. I wish they wouldn’t bother you,’ his grip around me grows tighter, ‘come on, we could stop at this bakery and head over to the park.’

Ben and I stand in line studying the large menu board in front of us after carefully tying Rocky up to the railing. This bakery had a large sign right on the front window: NO DOGS ALLOWED. While we stood in line, I kept turning around to make sure Rocky was okay. He sat patiently wagging his tail as he peered inside. Ben stands behind me with his toned arms wrapped around my waist comfortingly. He rested his chin on my head slightly humming in my ear.

‘Seeing anything good, love?’ he wonders breaking into my thoughts.

‘Everything looks so good and that smell,’ I muse, ‘it’s amazing.’

‘Uh huh,’ he agrees with an amused grin, ‘we better hurry up – looks like we’re up.’

‘I will take the cranberry almond muffin.’ I point at a muffin that was nearly the size of my head, that rested behind the protective glass with the other baked goods and pastries.

‘And I will have your breakfast sandwich with bacon,’ Ben briefly releases me to dig in his pocket while I pull my wallet out of my purse, ‘no, no- I got it.’ He insists sliding a twenty-dollar bill to the cashier. He puts the change into her tip jar with a warm smile. I hear her giggle like a school girl, staring beyond me to Ben. This was typical. Whenever we would be out together, I could see all the girls gawking at him. It was the same thing with Justin, every single time.

I look over at Ben, a sudden feeling of guilt washed over me. Here I was preaching to Justin a few weeks ago about him moving on so quickly, even though it had been months. If Justin was going to go on with his life with someone new- I didn’t want to be the one cooped up in my apartment all day waiting for his call. Ben was great, amazing actually yet there was this constant nagging feeling that I couldn’t shake. He wasn’t Justin.

‘You ready to go or are you just going to stare at me, weirdo?’ he taunts taking a hold of my hand pulling the door open with his other. ‘What are you thinking about – you seem distant.’ He points out as we watch Rocky run around the park chasing birds every time they landed on the wet, green grass.

‘It’s nothing.’ I offer a smile that he doesn’t buy.

‘I know that you just got out of that long relationship, I’m not expecting us to make some big commitment any time soon. I have time. If you’re not ready – I’ll wait. I don’t mind actually; I like how we are right now. Casual and simple, right?’

‘I like that too.’ I nod leaning into his shoulder taking another bite of my muffin.

Ben and I spend the morning together before he has to go back to his apartment to pack. He would be going to New York and then London for two weeks for a couple of shoots.

‘I will see you when you get back.’ I lean on my tip-toes and it still wasn’t close. He laughs at our height difference before leaning down to meet me halfway.

‘I’ll call you.’ He promises, kissing me once more before slipping into his jacket to go out the door.

Later that night while Rocky and I were curled up in bed watching an old episode of Criminal Minds there was a soft knock at the door. I wrap blanket around me before sliding down the hall to the front door. Rocky barks, trailing close behind me. Through the tiny hole of the door I spot Justin. I gasp slightly, running a hand through my tangled hair attempting to tame it.

‘Hey,’ I move back letting him inside the apartment, ‘what brings you by?’

‘I just wanted to bring you this.’ He holds up my floral duffle bag that I forgot about ages ago. ‘I was cleaning out the closet and I found it. There’s also a few of your clothes in there – they were pushed back in some of the drawers in the spare room.’

‘You were cleaning?’ I speak amazed, Justin was never the one to clean.

‘Why the tone of surprise,’ he smirks tossing the bag carefully on the nearby sofa, ‘yeah the lease is up soon and I really didn’t want to spend a full year in the apartment again. I found something bigger not too far from there so I’m moving out.’

Justin and I stare at each other awkwardly, neither of us saying a word. Rocky leaps from the sofa to run up to Justin with a happy whine.

‘Hey, boy.’ He hunches over to play with Rocky. ‘It feels like I haven’t seen you in months. Have you been good?’

‘How have you been?’ I wonder curiously pushing my back from the wall.

‘Decent, decent.’ He shrugs looking up at me with those enchanting brown eyes of his, ‘and you?’

‘Same.’

Justin stands to his feet messing with the gold watch on his wrist. He had a pair of white jeans on with a black hoodie and his favorite pair of Vans.

‘I hear that you’re with a model now, that’s interesting.’ He purses his lips so tightly that they were nearly nonexistent. ‘Does he treat you good?’

‘He does, he treats me very good.’

‘I guess then I can try to be happy for you. You have no idea how hard it is for me to stand so close you and not even be able to touch you. This small space between us fills like miles and I can’t do anything about it. I know just how badly you must’ve been hurting when seeing me with her because I feel it every time I saw you walking around with him. I feel like I can’t breathe when I see you with him. Each time it feels like the life is literally ripped out of me. I’m not asking for you to put your life on hold for me, I would never want you to do that, I just want you to remember the good times that we had because it wasn’t always bad. I know that it wasn’t easy but there’s no doubt in my mind that it was worth it. No matter what we went through or what we had to face – it always worth it. Just to fall asleep beside you and to wake up next to you. That made it all worth it.’

‘Justin, I-…’

‘You don’t have to respond right now,’ he interjects, ‘I’m not saying all this because I want you to choose me. I’m just saying it because if I don’t get all that I’m out, I’m going to lose it. I just wanted you to know. I’m always here for you Chris, always.’

Justin turns on the heel of his shoe before heading out the door, quietly closing it behind him before I could even form a coherent sentence.