If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin’s Point of View

I hadn’t seen Chrissy since she practically leaped out of my bed and ran out of the house. I felt so stupid for coming onto her the way I did a few weeks ago. I apologized at least a dozen times since then but every time she swears that it’s okay. She insisted that we both got carried away, caught up in the heat of the moment. As much as I hate to acknowledge it, she does have a boyfriend. The model. I wouldn’t be that ex who just rushes in whenever they feel like, wrecking relationships in the process. I could never interrupt something that made her happy. Even if it wasn’t with me. Today Chrissy was coming over, only to drop Rocky off but that was enough for me. I found myself nervously pacing throughout the house, peering out windows. A car door shuts catching my immediate attention, finally. Chrissy was dressed in a pair of jeans and a navy blue sweater, effortlessly beautiful as always. She holds Rocky securely in her arms as she meets me halfway.

‘Hey,’ I chime as she hands me the black duffle bag full of Rocky’s things.

‘Hey,’ she briefly smiles as she sets Rocky down carefully, ‘he’s running low on food so he might need some in a couple of days.’

‘Alright, I’ll go down to the store later and get some. Is he due for a wash?’ I ask, just wanting to get her there with me.

‘Well it has been a couple of weeks so it wouldn’t hurt. Just make sure that they don’t use the green shampoo, it gives me a headache.’ Chrissy makes an unpleased face, nervously folding her arms across her chest.

‘I remember,’ I murmur with a short laugh, ‘I’ll remind them when I go.’

‘Alright, I guess I’ll see you around.’ Before I knew it she was already standing by her car door.

‘Yeah, good seeing you.’ I wave awkwardly as I watch her open her car door.

‘Good job on the album by the way.’ She calls out to me from across the expansive driveway. ‘I know how hard you worked on it, so I’m really happy that you’re getting recognized for it.’

‘That really means a lot coming from you Chrissy. Thank you.’ I smile wearily, turning away to grab Rocky. ‘Drive safe.’

‘I will, bye.’

‘Looks like it’s just me and you, pal.’ I mutter as I push the large doors open, going inside.

Chrissy’s Point of View

After leaving Justin’s I head over to Ben’s apartment to spend the day with him as planned. Ben opens the door with open arms and a wide smile that I love.

‘I want to hear about every detail of your trip. All of it.’ I beam dropping down beside him on the sofa.

‘I know you do,’ he laughs, ‘but first just let me hold you. I missed you so much.’

‘I missed you too.’ I swallow, offering Ben a short smile. The bitter feeling of guilt rested in the pit of my stomach as I made eye-contact with the plain wall. For the last few days, all I could think about was the brief, heated moment I shared with Justin in his new house. I nearly forgot about this great guy that I had right beside me. Ben was everything that I needed.

‘Hey, where did you go?’ Ben questions, immediately crushing into my thoughts. ‘I lost you for a minute there.’

‘No where.’ I lie, feeling another harsh wave of bitterness wash over me. ‘I’m ju-…’

‘I want this to work and I want you, I just can’t deal with the secrecy.’ Ben cuts me off, sliding away from me on his sofa, ‘Whenever I’m with you I can tell that you’re thinking about something. Are you thinking about him or something?’

‘This isn’t about him; I just have a lot on my mind but that part of my life is over. Me and him are over.’

‘Yet I always feel like I’m on your back burner. I’m your second choice. Your backup plan. I don’t have your attention when you’re here.’

‘Ben, that’s not true.’

‘This, we, cannot work unless you can be honest with me and yourself. I think we should get some space and take some time. You should go.’

‘Ben.’ I call as he stands up, going to his room and leaving me there.

I sit in my car outside of Justin’s house, not knowing where else to go. Deep down I knew that this was the last place on earth I should be. I knew that nothing good could come from this. I walk to his enormous glass doors and ring the shiny doorbell. Through the clear glass I could see Justin sliding to the door with Rocky running behind him. His thick eyebrows furrow with confusion as he swings the door open.

‘Chris, what’s up?’

‘Ben and I got into this small argument. I drove around for about forty minutes before I ended up here. I didn’t know where else to turn or who else I wanted to vent to.’

‘All right. Let’s hear it – tell Justin all about your problems.’ He offers a genuine smile to ease the tension, ‘what was this argument about? Do you need me to kick his ass?’

‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary.’ I stiff out a laugh stroking Rocky’s fur. ‘He thinks that I am not over you or this relationship. He said that we can’t move forward until I admit that.’

‘Hm.’ Justin huffs, running his hand across his stubble, ‘what did you say?’

‘I told him that our relationship has been over for awhile now and I was done with that part of my life.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, he didn’t buy it though. He kept insisting that he was my second choice or something.’

‘No I mean, are you really done with us?’ Justin inquires, his deep brown eyes gazing at me.

‘I don’t know.’ I shrug picking at the loose strand of my sweater.

‘I think you do.’ He urges quietly, ‘deep, deep down. It’s all about what you want.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘It could be. I love you, Chris. Do you still love me?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You can’t just ignore the tough questions with “I don’t know” – what do you want Chrissy?’

‘I want you.’ I confess abruptly, ‘I want you Justin. I always have and I think I always will.’

Justin fills the space between us, placing his warm hands on my cheeks. Our lips slowly brush against one another – suddenly feeling that aching hole inside of me. I messily run my fingers through his soft hair as I always did.

‘I love you.’ He murmurs into the kiss, his smile growing.

‘I love you.’ I repeat for the first time in nearly half a year.

He lifts me into his arms, carrying me up the stairs in a rush. He hesitantly eyes me after setting me down on his bed carefully. My heart races as I offer him a slow, steady nod. His arms running up and down my sides, taking into my presence. I couldn’t help but soak in the cologne that complimented his smooth skin, my favorite.

‘Did you miss me?’ he teases as he wiggles his eyebrows at me, a taunting laugh falls from his lips.

‘Shut up.’ I laugh shaking my head at him. ‘You are so full of it.’

‘You like it.’

Justin cuts off my giggles with his lips, sending a cool hand up the back of my shirt. Electrifying butterflies whirl around in my stomach as Justin mutters his love against my skin.

‘Stop it.’

‘Stop what?’ Justin grins coyly, ceasing his movement.

‘Teasing.’

‘Eager, are we?’

‘Again, shut up.’

…

Justin and I lie in his bed, both staring at the ceiling. I watch as his tattooed chest, rapidly rises then falls. A pleased smile is on his face as he looks over at me. I playfully send him an eye-roll, turning my back to him in bed.

‘Don’t be like that.’ He presses his lips against my back, caressing my hair. ‘I’m sorry – I’m just really happy.’

‘Me too.’

I guess I wasn’t completely over it or him.