If I Was Your Boyfriend

I do my best to ignore both Selena and Jess while at Tracey’s cookout. Justin was oblivious to the situation because he was on the grill. I talk to some of the people from the film before making my way back over to Justin.

‘Are you having a good time?’ he wonders curiously flipping over the burgers.

Justin would always get the cutest concentrated expression across his face when he was cooking. He’d throw himself into every meal. He bites his bottom lip as he presses down on the meat.

‘I guess so.’ I shrug taking a seat beside the grill.

I wave the smoke aside looking up at him. He closes the lid and crouches down beside me on the ground.

‘You guess? You were so excited for this thing.’ He pipes in looking down at his phone. ‘What changed your mind?’

‘Not what but who.’ I nod my head into the direction of Justin’s ex girlfriend and his most recent video girl. Both were speed bumps in the road of Justin and I.

‘How’d that happen?’ he asks, staring at them. ‘I mean Tracey’s supposed to be your friend, right?’

‘Yeah, but Selena’s her friend too. So I can’t blame her for that I guess. Plus we’ve never really talked about it.’

‘And Jess? How did that happen?’

‘Tracey’s a dancer so maybe she’s worked with her before.’

‘If you say so.’ Justin’s tone was unconvinced as he stood to his feet and lifted the steel lid to the grill. Steam rose in the air as the aroma filled my nostrils.

Justin puts the finished burgers onto a large glass plate before dropping another group of patties on the grill. It was about an hour when Justin and I found a spot in the grass away from everyone else. I couldn’t see Jess or Selena anymore but I didn’t care.

‘How do you like it?’ Justin asks gesturing to the burger on my plate.

‘I think you’ve outdone yourself, very good.’ I compliment taking another bite into it.

‘Why, thank you.’ He smiles relieved.

‘I am going to use the little girl’s room.’ I say once I finish up.

‘Alright, we’ll head out in a bit. Get back to Rocky.’

I nod in response heading upstairs to the restroom. Tracey’s apartment was small but beautiful. She had childhood pictures along the wall leading into the narrow hallway. One of the pictures stuck out to me. It was Tracey as a little girl with another little girl beside her. She looked so familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I know I’ve seen this girl before but where. I go into the bathroom through her bedroom and close the door behind me. Once I come out of the bathroom Jess is sitting on Tracey’s bed and Selena is sat on a chair in the corner. With a sigh I fast-walk across the room and to the door. I open the door to see Tracey leaning against it. She steps into the room and locks the door behind her.

‘Tracey, what are you doing? What’s going on?’

‘Oh kill the little miss perfect act already, will you?’ Tracey scoffs joining Jess on the bed.

The girl in the picture was Jess. That’s why that face was so familiar and that’s why she’s here today. I step forward to the door but Selena hurries over to it, blocking the exit.

‘Move.’ My voice fails me as it comes out shaky.

‘We just want to talk.’ Jess lets out a loud laugh.

‘We’re supposed to be friends.’ I direct my attention to the girl sitting on the bed.

‘We’re supposed to be friends. Look at me. I’m Chrissy Thorton. I am so talented, perfect with my perfect boyfriend and our perfect dog and our perfect life blah blah blah.’

‘Justin was right about you.’

‘Speaking of Mr. Perfect, he is the reason we’re here.’

‘What about him?’

‘How well do you know him?’

‘I’m leaving.’ I go to the door but Selena won’t budge.

‘Did he tell you how in the beginning of your little relationship he snuck over my place a few times?’ Selena folds her arms over his chest leaning against the door. ‘Behind your back.’

‘No, he didn’t.’

‘Well maybe you should listen to this.’

Jess tosses a phone over to me. I don’t know why I pressed play but I did.

Hey Sel, it’s me. I am just calling to tell you how much fun I had, it felt like old times. I really hoping that we could stay friends through all this because I can’t bare to have you hate me or lose you as someone in my life. You’ve made such an impact on me. I think you’re amazing. I think you will go so far in life. You’re worth so much. Never forget that I am always here for you. I love you.

I couldn’t exactly process what was said. All I was focusing was on the voice, it was Justin’s. It was so full of love. It was full of adoration. I could hear the broken heart that lied behind the voice. A small whimper escapes my lips as the phone call ends. I could literally feel my lip starting to tremble but I refuse to cry in front of these people.

‘As much as you try to deny it. You ruined a relationship. You got in between two people who loved each other and that makes you a home wrecker Chrissy Thorton.’ Tracey spat angrily.

She was supposed to be one of my closest friends while filming and she secretly hated me this entire time. I was way past feeling stupid or naïve. Even embarrassed was an understatement.

‘What do you have to do with all this?’ I look at Jess. ‘What did I ever do to you?’

‘That night after the club, Justin cut me off because you want to be the only girl in his life.’

‘That’s not true.’

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. With a low sob the tears started to fall. I couldn’t fathom a logical reason they all had to get together against what I have.

‘Oh please! Justin doesn’t even go out with the crew anymore. Ever since you came around. You’ve sucked the life right out of him. You keep him close because you’re scared of competition.’

‘I know you always thought in the back of your mind things weren’t over between Justin and I.’ Selena takes her turn to chime in. ‘And now you know for a fact – it never was. I’m irreplaceable.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘Do you really want to hear the tape again? This was three months in your relationship!’ Tracey shouts. ‘Stop playing the innocent little deer because that’s exactly what got you killed.’

‘Baby?’ Justin’s voice calls through the door, ‘are you in here?’

I push past Selena and swing the door open to see him standing there. The smile on his face slowly fades as he stares at me.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.

‘Stay away from me.’ I cough out rushing out of the apartment.

Justin runs out to the driveway after me where I stop realizing I didn’t have a car here. Justin drove his car. He grabs my arm and pulls me into his chest. I feel myself crumble as I break down into him. He wraps his arms around me just like he has every day for nearly a year. I shove my way out of his chest instantly feeling a pain of emptiness.

‘What’s going on?’

‘You- you…’ I couldn’t get the words out, I felt like I was going to be sick. ‘Go with Selena.’

‘Why would I do that?’

‘You already went behind my back and did it.’

I watch as his face changes from confusion to realization. It was true. Everything they said up there was the cold-hard-in-your-face truth. This felt like the second slap in the face within the last twenty minutes.

‘Baby please just let me expla-…’

‘You do not get to call me that. This obviously never meant anything to you. We’re over. Never speak to me again.’ I yank the glowing purple diamond ring ring from my finger and throw it down onto the faded concrete. I walk on to the pavement never bothering to look back at Justin. He didn’t chase after me. He didn’t put a fight for us. Part of me wish he had. But he never did. I walk until I decided to call up Danielle and Garrett. It didn’t take long at all before Garrett’s truck pulled alongside the curb.

‘Okay, what’s going on? You wouldn’t say on the phone.’ Danielle turns around from the passenger seat.

‘You can drop me off at the apartment.’

‘Sure Chris.’ Garrett nods turning off a road.

‘I really don’t want to talk about it. I’ll call you.’

‘Please do kid.’ Danielle reaches back to touch my shoulder.

‘I will.’ I promise as I slide out of the car.

The apartment sat in front of me. I could hear the laughs and see the smiles that were shared here. I could see Justin with Rocky sleep on the sofa the next morning after watching some ball game on TV. Once I open the door Rocky runs down the stairs. He follows me in silence into the bedroom. The bed was unmade, because Justin didn’t believe in making a bed you’d get back in. Another strangled sob comes out as I glance around. The picture from of us was placed on the dresser. I watch as the pictures change and grow with love and age. I grab the floral suitcases from the closet and toss all my clothes into the bag in a hurry. I didn’t want to run into him. I sit down on the bed for one last time with a piece of paper in front of me.

We laughed, we smiled, we fought, we cried. All in this apartment. You made me feel whole, complete but you also made me feel broken. All in this apartment. We spent days and nights here together talking about a future that would never come. All the plans we made and dreams we shar-

I throw the pen in the corner and bawl up the piece of paper. I couldn’t tell him goodbye, as much as I needed to I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me. All of the gifts were placed in a spare box from the garage. I grab the charm bracelet from my jewelry box and hold it in my hand.

A tiny dancer – when I was a video girl myself.

The small pink Eiffel Tower – when I agreed to be in a relationship with him.

A small lock – replica to the one in Verona, Italy.

A palm tree – our very first night… together.

The small dog – our Rocky.

And a key – just like the key to this place.

The most painful thing about the memories is knowing that they actually happened. Our life together. Our envy-worthy relationship. We were so high together and now I’m crashing alone. Hard and fast.

Just as I throw the last suitcase into the car my phone lets out a loud chime.

Chrissy, I really need to talk to you. I love you so so so much baby. You are everything in the world to me. I do not want to go a single day without you. You didn’t really mean what you said back there, right? We’re still together, right? I mean we’re supposed to be in this forever. You and me, Chris. I know I was stupid and reckless with your love but you mean so much to me. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting the most important person in my life. I want us. I want you now and forever. Please please please come back and talk to me. Come to the apartment! I’ll meet you somewhere, anything. I will spend every second of my life making it up to you. I love you more than anything. Please, talk to me. – Justin.

‘Come on Rock.’ I call opening the back door.

Once he’s in, I climb into the driver’s seat and delete Justin from my contacts and leave the apartment not looking back.