If I Was Your Boyfriend

It was after midnight when I was using the key to my house. I take Rocky upstairs before collapsing in the bed. I plug my phone up to see my lock screen, Justin and I. Inside my camera roll there were hundreds of pictures of the months we spent together. Little did I know what laid behind his deep brown eyes. I toss and turn the entire night, not getting an ounce of sleep. I give up on sleep and walk down stairs the next morning. Rocky doesn’t bothering moving once I get out of the bed. Mom and Jeff sat on the sofa watching some cooking show on TV.

‘Chrissy!? What are you doing here?’ she’s clearly stunned that I let myself in during the middle of the night.

‘I decided to sleep over. I didn’t want to wake you.’

‘Where’s Justin?’

‘Justin and I broke up.’ I take a seat in the loveseat to watch TV.

‘Oh, baby.’ She rushes over to me wrapping her arms around me. ‘I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?’

‘If I talk about it or even think about it too long, it starts to hurt again. I’m just going to shower and get ready to go.’

‘Where are you going?’ Jeff asks, confused. ‘Back to the apartment?’

‘No, I am going to take some time for myself. I’ll see you after my shower.’

I spent majority of the time in the shower just standing there letting the hot water wash away yesterday. Justin snuck behind my back and was with Selena while we were just starting out. He never bothered to tell me. Not once. After my shower I get dressed and pack an overnight bag.

‘Are you sure you should leave?’ my mom asks, worried.

‘I’m fine, I promise. I just want to clear my head for a couple of days.’

‘Will you call if you need anything?’

‘Of course. But I’ll be turning my phone off so I can fully have some time to myself. I will call when I get to wherever I’m going.’

‘Be careful.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ She repeats as I walk out of the door with Rocky.

‘Where are we headed Rock?’ I ask aloud getting onto the highway. ‘I guess we’ll see when we get there.’

And that’s exactly what I did. I drove and drove until I felt like I was far away enough from Los Angeles. Far enough from Justin, from the media, from my family, from Danielle, from anyone who had a question. From the lies. From Selena. From Jess. From Tracey. From the betrayal. And I didn’t want to go back.

Justin’s Point of View

‘Thanks for letting me stay here tonight.’ I say to Alfredo after coming out of the guest bedroom.

I wandered the streets of Los Angeles for majority of my night when I wasn’t covering my eyes and ears from any sudden lights or sounds. The cab driver had to keep repeating himself because I am forgetting everything. I reach for my phone to check the time and stop at the picture of Chrissy. That is one thing I can’t seem to forget. The fact that we broke up. The car accident. The concussion. Everything from yesterday was tattooed on my mind. Last night I ended up at Alfredo’s and spent the night in a pitch-black room staring at the ceiling. Everything felt unreal. I was numb to everything going on around me. I’ve been numb since Chrissy left everything in a box at the apartment. I can feel no pain.

‘You don’t look so good.’ Alfredo says cautiously.

‘Gee, thanks.’

‘Are you ready to talk about what happened between you and Chrissy?’

‘I already told you she broke up with me.’

‘Out of nowhere?’

‘Nope. She had a reason.’

‘Which was?’

‘Which is something I don’t want to talk about right now. I have a really bad headache and I’m waiting for these stupid concussion side effects to wear off. Until then, no questions please.’

‘Just one more.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Are you going to find her?’

‘You can’t find someone who doesn’t want to be found Fredo.’

I couldn’t give an honest answer about where Chrissy may be. She could be at mom’s or Danielle’s or even in Arizona for all I know. She doesn’t want to be bothered and definitely not by me. I spend my day hiding out at Alfredo’s place avoiding the empty home that awaited me.

‘Justin! Pizza’s here.’

‘Alright.’ I say back in pure darkness.

Even the slightest form of light bothered me right now. I call the doctor’s office but they assure me to give it another two days tops. Scooter ended up coming by with my mom. They were both upset that I didn’t tell them about the hospital visit sooner. I drop another bomb on them spilling the news about Chrissy and I.

‘Does Chrissy know?’ my mom asks.

‘Mom, I doubt she cares how what I’m doing.’

It probably was all over by now. TV reports, radio announcements, Twitter’s probably going insane right now. I do not even want to begin and think about that. I wonder if she’s got wind of it yet. But even if she did – she wasn’t going to come back to me. She probably wouldn’t come back if I was lying on my deathbed. I don’t know what would hurt worse – Chrissy not coming back or having her in front of me just to watch her leave again.

‘I think you should call her.’ Scooter advises.

‘No one wants that.’

‘Do what you want but you know what the right thing is.’ Mom gets her bag from the sofa.

‘The right thing is to leave her alone and stay far, far away from her.’

I watch as they walk out of the apartment together and drive away. Alfredo ended up going out with some girl he’s been talking to for a while now. So I sat in the apartment alone, in silence. I give and decide to talk my phone out. I dial up the number and wait as it rings.

Chrissy’s Point of View

‘Do you need any help with your bags ma’am?’

‘I’m fine, thank you though.’ I wrap an arm around Rocky lifting him out of the car. ‘You take pets right?’

‘Correct.’ The worker holds the door open for me and I thank him.

I came to a stop at a small hotel outside of Los Angeles. After checking in the manager shows me the room I’d be staying in.

‘I would appreciate it if the staff keeps it quiet about me being here and please no phone calls.’

‘I will make sure they understand you are not to be bothered for the duration of your trip.’

‘Thanks.’

I close the door and let Rocky roam the room. I sit on the bed and watch him run from wall to wall rolling with his chew toy. Everything hurt and nothing helped. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t escape the overbearing feeling of emptiness. I lay back on the bed failing to hold the tears in. How could he screw up what we’ve spent months on? What about her was so worth it? How was she so much better than me?

‘I hate this.’ I sob out loud throwing the pillow across the room.

I wanted to turn my phone on and check for some kind of message explaining what went wrong between us. Some kind of explanation about what he was thinking. I left my phone in the purse a few feet away from me fighting the urge to turn it on.

Justin’s Point of View

‘Justin.’ A familiar voice calls out.

‘Hey dad.’ I walk into his open arms.

‘You came on such short notice. You didn’t make much sense on the phone. Where’s Chrissy and why did you get a private plane out here?’

‘Why does everyone keep asking me about her?’

‘Because the two of you are usually joined at the hip? I haven’t seen you by yourself since the tour.’

‘Well, we aren’t together anymore.’

The cold Canada air greets me as I follow my dad out to the car. I spontaneously rented a jet to bring me here without being seen. I needed to get away and what better place to do that than Canada. Spend some time with the family and hang with my boys. I didn’t know what I was going to do to win Chrissy back but I just knew that I had to leave Los Angeles. Every building somehow reminded me of her. The places we went to together. Even Whole Foods reminded me of how we went grocery shopping for our apartment together. Canada is home and exactly where I needed to be right now.

‘How are you feeling?’ dad asks curiously.

‘I lost the one girl I have been waiting for. I lost the girl I imagined having this amazing life with. She was supposed to be with me through it all. We were going to grow old together. Just like we always talked about. Now she’s gone and I don’t know how to go on without her. I don’t want to. I think she just needs space or time right now. Maybe we’ll talk soon. I really don’t know.’

The car ride to the house was quiet and I was thankful. I hurry into the house to see my little brother and sister with their mom.

‘Justin!’ Jazymn squeals rushing over to me. Jaxon is close behind her.

‘Where’s Rocky and Chrissy?’ Jazymn asks.

With every breath of her name it hurts. So bad. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even breathe right now. I hated that I did this to her. I can only imagine what she’s going through right now. All because of my mistake. A terrible lack of judgment.

‘They couldn’t make it Jaz. Maybe next time.’

‘We can talk on the phone like you do with daddy.’

‘We’ll see.’

Chrissy was supposed to come to Canada with me. She was supposed to be here. I thought being here would help but its not. Nothing will except her. I can’t run from city to city when she’s all I think of. After I spent some time playing with my siblings I got a lift from my dad to Ryan’s. It felt odd not driving but I’m not ready to behind operated machinery. Once I make to Ryan’s he throws a hand on my shoulder.

‘You know?’

‘TMZ posted the video.’

‘Already, huh?’

Of course. I was expecting that. Nothing more from the life-sucking company TMZ.

‘Are you okay man?’

‘No.’ I break down covering my face with my hands. I feel Ryan standing beside me. He doesn’t say anything but I hear him breathing. ‘I miss her so much.’