Dear Kate
one of one
Jonathan Toews sat at his desk, his feet propped up as he leaned back in his computer chair. His laptop was open in front of him and the blank word document was staring back at him tauntingly. He’d been staring at it for what felt like hours now, his mind reeling with what to write. There were thousands of thoughts floating around in his mind and he couldn’t seem to articulate any of them. Every so often his fingers would hover over the lit up keys and he’d type out a word or two before backspacing and retreating to his current position. This was arguably the second hardest thing he’d ever have to do, right behind the very thing that put him in this position.
A soft sigh slipped past his lips and he leaned forward, pulling his feet from his desk to better access his laptop. His fingers found the home row keys easily and he closed his eyes. For just a moment the whole situation disappeared and he was transported back in time to the day his world stopped turning. Jon’s eyes popped open before he could let his mind go there and he began to type.
Dear Kate, he began, his eyes glazing over at the sight of her name. He shook his head and sucked in a deep breath before continuing.
I saw a therapist today. You’d probably be laughing at that if you were here. She was nice enough, an older lady who reminded me of your grandma Claire.
Jon froze, his fingers stilling on the keyboard. He didn’t expect this to be anywhere near as hard as it was; he thought he’d be done by now. A part of him felt like he wasn’t ready but deep down in the depths of his heart he knew he was. Jon was smart and he took a few psychology courses at UND, he knew better. After some time and a lot of self-reflection he knew he was holding on just because it felt better that way, because maybe if he held on he could still pretend that it never happened. But it did happen and she wasn’t coming back.
I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to her before I left. I thought I was just going to sit through the session because Bowman suggested it but she was asking questions and I started talking, Kate. It felt good to get it out but I almost lost it in there, talking about you. She kept asking questions and I couldn’t just stop talking once we got started. She’s the reason I’m doing this, why I’m writing you this thing I know you’ll never read. Her name is Denise and she told me this was a good idea. You’re probably laughing at me right now if you know what’s going on wherever you are now.
The Blackhawks’ captain stopped again, his eyes scanning over everything he’d just put out there. It was out of habit; he knew nobody was going to see it but him yet he still couldn’t shake his perfectionist tendencies. Focus, he warned himself and shook his head. This was going to hurt and he knew it, but he forced himself to press forward.
She said to write everything I’m going to miss about you and to write things that I want you to know, things I never got the chance to tell you. Jon could feel the tears coming. I told her I’d miss everything, that I already miss everything but she told me to write this anyway. She told me to get specific about it. I guess that’s what I’m going to do.
I miss you, first and foremost. I miss the way you’d wake me up in the middle of the night with one of your random snores. It was always just that one loud, Earth shattering snore and it always managed to wake me up. You’d be lying there peacefully, no sign of that loud sound coming from you. I always loved that, watching you for a few moments before rolling over and going back to sleep. I miss your laugh. The way your nose scrunched when someone did or said something you didn’t like or agree with. The way you always managed to piss Kaner off without effort. And the way you would drop random trivia and facts in the middle of a conversation or when things got too quiet for your liking.
I’m going to miss you during my pregame naps and eating my pregame meal with you. And the way you would always insult whatever team just kicked our asses after a loss. I’m going to miss having you to come home to and smelling your perfume on the pillows or my clothes. But most of all, I’m going to miss the way you made me feel no matter what mood I was in. You always had a sixth sense for when I needed something, no matter what it was and you’d give it to me without me asking or giving you any kind of sign.
Nobody has ever understood me the way you did, Kate. You knew when I needed space and you gave it to me. You knew when to push and when to back off, when to yell and when to be quiet. You just understood me and you never got on me about being too serious or talking about hockey or whatever game plan we were working on that day. You didn’t complain when I stayed at the rink late to put in some extra time in the weight room or when I was gone on long road trips.
It destroys me every single day to know I’ll never get to see you in the dress you picked out for our wedding. I’ve seen it but I can’t really imagine you in it and that hurts. You’d probably look more beautiful than I could imagine anyway, you always managed to do that. It always amazed me that you could make yourself look so good in such little time. I took more time to get ready than you did, why didn’t I ever ask you about that?
Sometimes when I’m on the ice I think I can hear you. It’s only happened twice now, both times when I was skating with Davey. He was doing a stickhandling drill the first time and I could have sworn I heard you tell me that he looked like some kind of drunken monkey all hunched over and gangly like he was. The second time we were playing one on one and I was up ahead of him going for the goal and I swear, I swear you told me he was coming on my blindside.
I thought I was crazy like that dumb chick in those books you got Kaner to read but now I find myself thinking about how I can make it happen again. Davey’s in Calgary and I’ve been thinking about flying out there just to see if skating with him is what makes me turn into the crazy guy who hears his dead fiancée’s voice.
The blood circulating in Jon’s body ran cold and he sat frozen, his eyes glued to the computer. It felt like someone cracked open his chest and was squeezing his heart in a death grip. His stomach churned and he felt light headed as he read the two words he never wanted to think, never wanted to hear, never wanted to say, the two words he’d been pretending didn’t exist; dead fiancée. But that was Kate; she always managed to get him to open up when all he wanted to do was stay stitched closed.
A lone tear slipped from his eye and slid down his tanned cheek. It broke the dam. Jon’s chocolate brown eyes flooded with tears and he pushed away from the computer. His fingers weaved through his hair and he tugged at it as he paced in front of the desk in the den at his Winnipeg home. This wasn’t fair and Jon tried to remind himself that life wasn’t fair, that it didn’t come with guarantees but he couldn’t help and feel self-pity anyway. Good things weren’t supposed to happen to good people and as far as good people went Jon was one of the best and so was Kate. They recycled and donated to charity and Jon never said no when the organization asked him to talk to little kids or appear at some event. It wasn’t fair.
After nearly burning a hole through the floor with his pacing Jon settled back into his computer chair and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. His chest was tight but now that he opened up he couldn’t stop. He pulled the letter up and scrolled until the words were out of view before typing again.
I can’t believe you’ve been gone for almost three weeks now. It feels like an eternity. Life isn’t the same without you. I never got to tell you that I don’t want to exist in a world where you don’t and that’s another thing that destroys me. I don’t think I ever told you exactly how much you meant to me, how much you mean to me. That’s something I worry about all the time, K. I worry that you died without knowing how much I love you, how much I will always love you or how nobody will ever come close to meaning to me what you do.
That I never told you that enough or that you had doubts about that because I know I wasn’t the best at telling you exactly how I felt all of the time. I would do anything for just one more day with you, a day where I could tell you all of this for real and make you feel everything you made me feel every single day. To make you feel all the things that I still feel every day even though you’re not here anymore.
I wish I was there, I wish that it was me all the time. I wish that I could have just seen your beautiful face one last time before it happened. I wish I could have at the very least known what was going to happen so I could do everything differently. Denise says that I have to let it go and accept it but I can’t. It’s not fair, Kate. I didn’t get to tell you I loved you or talk to you or even say goodbye.
I can’t- Jonathan paused as he choked back a sob. His vision was flooded with salty tears and writing Kate a letter was just telling him that his wounds were still way too fresh. It was like he had stitches in after a bad hi-stick and someone just ripped them all out. His body shook as he let the sobs run free for the first time since the funeral. After what seemed like years to Jon he finally managed to calm down enough to force himself to continue.
I can’t remember the last time we said I love you, made love or even our last kiss. Was it a peck before I left for practice or the rink? One of the times we’d kiss in the kitchen until whatever you were making for dinner was well past burnt? Was it a makeup kiss after one of our stupid arguments that would only last twenty minutes? I can’t remember, Kate.
It scares me, baby. It scares me that I’m going to lose you completely and I know that’s impossible. I know I’ll never forget you and that I never could forget you but I’m still scared. I don’t ever want to forget how you made me feel or how you smelled or the way your face would light up when you laughed at some stupid thing I did. You were the best thing that ever could have happened to me and I don’t understand why you’re gone, why this happened to you or us or anything.
I just know that surviving without you has been a miracle and that it will continue to be a miracle. And if wherever you are now, if you’re here in this room with me right now, just please, please, please know that I love you, that I will always love you and that I miss you more and more everyday. Know that I’m thinking of you all the time and that I expect you to be with me in spirit or whatever it is when the season starts again. I’m going to need you to help me through that.
And I wouldn’t mind if you would talk to me again, even if it makes me crazy. I love you, Kate. More than anything in the world and I’m sorry if I never told you that. Give me a sign that you’re with me sometime, okay? I love you.
Only Yours,
Jon
Jonathan stared at his computer in disbelief. Tears were leaking from his eyes and it took a good couple of hours but he actually wrote a letter to Kate and it felt good. She was always the one that he could open up to and now he knew that he could still do that now despite the fact that she was gone.
His eyes slid closed and he let out a breath. It felt like a weight had just been lifted and while he was still aching all over he didn’t feel quite as weighed down. As he saved the letter he made a note to write to her again but froze when he heard it.
I love you.
Jon was sure he imagined it, the sound was so faint and it was impossible, really. Maybe he should have been a little freaked out or thinking about checking himself into a mental institution but he took comfort in the soft sound. It was just a quick little wisp of a noise but in his heart he knew it was there and it was Kate.
And well, maybe, just maybe, things would get better.
A soft sigh slipped past his lips and he leaned forward, pulling his feet from his desk to better access his laptop. His fingers found the home row keys easily and he closed his eyes. For just a moment the whole situation disappeared and he was transported back in time to the day his world stopped turning. Jon’s eyes popped open before he could let his mind go there and he began to type.
Dear Kate, he began, his eyes glazing over at the sight of her name. He shook his head and sucked in a deep breath before continuing.
I saw a therapist today. You’d probably be laughing at that if you were here. She was nice enough, an older lady who reminded me of your grandma Claire.
Jon froze, his fingers stilling on the keyboard. He didn’t expect this to be anywhere near as hard as it was; he thought he’d be done by now. A part of him felt like he wasn’t ready but deep down in the depths of his heart he knew he was. Jon was smart and he took a few psychology courses at UND, he knew better. After some time and a lot of self-reflection he knew he was holding on just because it felt better that way, because maybe if he held on he could still pretend that it never happened. But it did happen and she wasn’t coming back.
I told myself I wasn’t going to talk to her before I left. I thought I was just going to sit through the session because Bowman suggested it but she was asking questions and I started talking, Kate. It felt good to get it out but I almost lost it in there, talking about you. She kept asking questions and I couldn’t just stop talking once we got started. She’s the reason I’m doing this, why I’m writing you this thing I know you’ll never read. Her name is Denise and she told me this was a good idea. You’re probably laughing at me right now if you know what’s going on wherever you are now.
The Blackhawks’ captain stopped again, his eyes scanning over everything he’d just put out there. It was out of habit; he knew nobody was going to see it but him yet he still couldn’t shake his perfectionist tendencies. Focus, he warned himself and shook his head. This was going to hurt and he knew it, but he forced himself to press forward.
She said to write everything I’m going to miss about you and to write things that I want you to know, things I never got the chance to tell you. Jon could feel the tears coming. I told her I’d miss everything, that I already miss everything but she told me to write this anyway. She told me to get specific about it. I guess that’s what I’m going to do.
I miss you, first and foremost. I miss the way you’d wake me up in the middle of the night with one of your random snores. It was always just that one loud, Earth shattering snore and it always managed to wake me up. You’d be lying there peacefully, no sign of that loud sound coming from you. I always loved that, watching you for a few moments before rolling over and going back to sleep. I miss your laugh. The way your nose scrunched when someone did or said something you didn’t like or agree with. The way you always managed to piss Kaner off without effort. And the way you would drop random trivia and facts in the middle of a conversation or when things got too quiet for your liking.
I’m going to miss you during my pregame naps and eating my pregame meal with you. And the way you would always insult whatever team just kicked our asses after a loss. I’m going to miss having you to come home to and smelling your perfume on the pillows or my clothes. But most of all, I’m going to miss the way you made me feel no matter what mood I was in. You always had a sixth sense for when I needed something, no matter what it was and you’d give it to me without me asking or giving you any kind of sign.
Nobody has ever understood me the way you did, Kate. You knew when I needed space and you gave it to me. You knew when to push and when to back off, when to yell and when to be quiet. You just understood me and you never got on me about being too serious or talking about hockey or whatever game plan we were working on that day. You didn’t complain when I stayed at the rink late to put in some extra time in the weight room or when I was gone on long road trips.
It destroys me every single day to know I’ll never get to see you in the dress you picked out for our wedding. I’ve seen it but I can’t really imagine you in it and that hurts. You’d probably look more beautiful than I could imagine anyway, you always managed to do that. It always amazed me that you could make yourself look so good in such little time. I took more time to get ready than you did, why didn’t I ever ask you about that?
Sometimes when I’m on the ice I think I can hear you. It’s only happened twice now, both times when I was skating with Davey. He was doing a stickhandling drill the first time and I could have sworn I heard you tell me that he looked like some kind of drunken monkey all hunched over and gangly like he was. The second time we were playing one on one and I was up ahead of him going for the goal and I swear, I swear you told me he was coming on my blindside.
I thought I was crazy like that dumb chick in those books you got Kaner to read but now I find myself thinking about how I can make it happen again. Davey’s in Calgary and I’ve been thinking about flying out there just to see if skating with him is what makes me turn into the crazy guy who hears his dead fiancée’s voice.
The blood circulating in Jon’s body ran cold and he sat frozen, his eyes glued to the computer. It felt like someone cracked open his chest and was squeezing his heart in a death grip. His stomach churned and he felt light headed as he read the two words he never wanted to think, never wanted to hear, never wanted to say, the two words he’d been pretending didn’t exist; dead fiancée. But that was Kate; she always managed to get him to open up when all he wanted to do was stay stitched closed.
A lone tear slipped from his eye and slid down his tanned cheek. It broke the dam. Jon’s chocolate brown eyes flooded with tears and he pushed away from the computer. His fingers weaved through his hair and he tugged at it as he paced in front of the desk in the den at his Winnipeg home. This wasn’t fair and Jon tried to remind himself that life wasn’t fair, that it didn’t come with guarantees but he couldn’t help and feel self-pity anyway. Good things weren’t supposed to happen to good people and as far as good people went Jon was one of the best and so was Kate. They recycled and donated to charity and Jon never said no when the organization asked him to talk to little kids or appear at some event. It wasn’t fair.
After nearly burning a hole through the floor with his pacing Jon settled back into his computer chair and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. His chest was tight but now that he opened up he couldn’t stop. He pulled the letter up and scrolled until the words were out of view before typing again.
I can’t believe you’ve been gone for almost three weeks now. It feels like an eternity. Life isn’t the same without you. I never got to tell you that I don’t want to exist in a world where you don’t and that’s another thing that destroys me. I don’t think I ever told you exactly how much you meant to me, how much you mean to me. That’s something I worry about all the time, K. I worry that you died without knowing how much I love you, how much I will always love you or how nobody will ever come close to meaning to me what you do.
That I never told you that enough or that you had doubts about that because I know I wasn’t the best at telling you exactly how I felt all of the time. I would do anything for just one more day with you, a day where I could tell you all of this for real and make you feel everything you made me feel every single day. To make you feel all the things that I still feel every day even though you’re not here anymore.
I wish I was there, I wish that it was me all the time. I wish that I could have just seen your beautiful face one last time before it happened. I wish I could have at the very least known what was going to happen so I could do everything differently. Denise says that I have to let it go and accept it but I can’t. It’s not fair, Kate. I didn’t get to tell you I loved you or talk to you or even say goodbye.
I can’t- Jonathan paused as he choked back a sob. His vision was flooded with salty tears and writing Kate a letter was just telling him that his wounds were still way too fresh. It was like he had stitches in after a bad hi-stick and someone just ripped them all out. His body shook as he let the sobs run free for the first time since the funeral. After what seemed like years to Jon he finally managed to calm down enough to force himself to continue.
I can’t remember the last time we said I love you, made love or even our last kiss. Was it a peck before I left for practice or the rink? One of the times we’d kiss in the kitchen until whatever you were making for dinner was well past burnt? Was it a makeup kiss after one of our stupid arguments that would only last twenty minutes? I can’t remember, Kate.
It scares me, baby. It scares me that I’m going to lose you completely and I know that’s impossible. I know I’ll never forget you and that I never could forget you but I’m still scared. I don’t ever want to forget how you made me feel or how you smelled or the way your face would light up when you laughed at some stupid thing I did. You were the best thing that ever could have happened to me and I don’t understand why you’re gone, why this happened to you or us or anything.
I just know that surviving without you has been a miracle and that it will continue to be a miracle. And if wherever you are now, if you’re here in this room with me right now, just please, please, please know that I love you, that I will always love you and that I miss you more and more everyday. Know that I’m thinking of you all the time and that I expect you to be with me in spirit or whatever it is when the season starts again. I’m going to need you to help me through that.
And I wouldn’t mind if you would talk to me again, even if it makes me crazy. I love you, Kate. More than anything in the world and I’m sorry if I never told you that. Give me a sign that you’re with me sometime, okay? I love you.
Only Yours,
Jon
Jonathan stared at his computer in disbelief. Tears were leaking from his eyes and it took a good couple of hours but he actually wrote a letter to Kate and it felt good. She was always the one that he could open up to and now he knew that he could still do that now despite the fact that she was gone.
His eyes slid closed and he let out a breath. It felt like a weight had just been lifted and while he was still aching all over he didn’t feel quite as weighed down. As he saved the letter he made a note to write to her again but froze when he heard it.
I love you.
Jon was sure he imagined it, the sound was so faint and it was impossible, really. Maybe he should have been a little freaked out or thinking about checking himself into a mental institution but he took comfort in the soft sound. It was just a quick little wisp of a noise but in his heart he knew it was there and it was Kate.
And well, maybe, just maybe, things would get better.