We Only Breathe for so Long

People say that when you die or when you’re close to death, you see your life flash before your eyes. Wrong. I didn’t see my life behind my eyelids. Hell no. All I saw were stars underneath my eyelids and the endless color black. If you think that my “life” was about stars and the total darkness, then you are clearly mistaken.

My body was numb and I was vaguely aware of my surroundings. I felt my chest being pumped in a steady rhythm. It reminded me of the times the doctors would use those electrical thingys whenever I was close to death. My eyes were still closed, shut tightly.

“Fuck Isa! What the hell happened?!” I heard voices around me. They were panicking. I cringed at how loud they were. Those horrible memories were coming back to me again.

“I-I don’t know! Stop yelling at me!” She snapped, her voice quivering. The person kept pumping my chest and I felt the water rushing up my lungs.

“Don’t you dare die on me, Lisette. I don’t want to lose someone again.” The voice was very familiar. It was tainted with genuine concern and fear. I wanted to tell him that I won’t die. Not until I get this bucket list done. No. I won’t die on anyone.

“Shh, guys! She’s moving!” My head started to hurt and I soon sat up, having a coughing fit. I spitted the salty water out of my mouth and as soon as it was out of my system, my lungs started to burn like the deepest pits in hell. I was a wretched person coughing her guts out in front of five guys and four girls. My breath hitched. I gasped for air and placed my head in my hands.

“Thank god,” I heard one of the guys say. They started mumbling nonsense while I was still in a traumatic state. I continued to breathe in and out, having the occasional fits. I know that they’re giving me some space and I was thankful for that. Kennedy, my hero once again, stayed by my side.

“Lisette?” I couldn’t hear him. Well, I did but I ignored him. I rocked back and forth shaking all those painful memories away. “Lisette!” He gently raised my chin up and stared deep into my eyes. In that moment, I forgot how to breathe and I coughed out loud. I managed to turn away though.

“I must look horrible,” I croaked. Kennedy chuckled and ruffled his hair. He sat down on the sand and gave a loud sigh. I looked back at him noticing how his eyebrows furrowed together the whole time. He looked into the distance breathing slowly as if trying to calm down. I shouldn’t have scared them like that.

“God, you scared me,” he mumbled softly. I bit my lip and fought the tears threatening to spill right out my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, my voice small and fragile. He turned back to face me and wrapped his arm around me. I instinctively froze. I wasn’t used to his touch—actually I wasn’t used to anyone touching me like this except for my family. I was as stiff as a statue but I gradually relaxed in his arm and noticed how my heart rate slowed in a great deal. The thought of me dying right here on this beach seemed comforting—because I really wouldn’t mind dying in such a beautiful place—but at the same time it was disturbing because my newly found friends were right here to witness my untimely death.

We didn’t speak for a while and I was fine with that. I looked down at my arms and noticed how pale I was since that…incident. I also noticed how I was shivering like a girl who has frostbite. My teeth started chattering and Kennedy noticed it. “Are you cold?” No, I’m totally warm hence why my teeth are chattering loudly and my skin feels ice cold. Yeah, I’m fine.

The words didn’t come out of my mouth though so I just nodded. He told me to wait here since he’s going to get me a towel. The guys somehow dispersed, leaving the two of us alone. I rubbed my hand together hoping that the friction would bring some warmth. I bit my lip and cursed since it failed.

“It’s not my fault, Garrett! Just leave me alone!” I snapped my head to where her voice was coming from. Garrett was talking to Isa and it seemed serious. I wanted to go up to her and defend her but she already walked away with her tail of pride trailing behind her. My eyes followed her shivering body then it landed on Garrett who looked as if he was going to pass out any second. I really wanted to go to him—and to Isa and tell them that I was okay and I will most likely survive but I still feel…hopeless. I just want to run over to the guys and say everything will be alright and none of this near-death experiences will happen again. I hope.

I felt a light tap behind my shoulder and gave a small smile as Kennedy handed me one of the towels I brought with me. I wrapped it around my shoulders and breathed in the smell of coconut and strawberries. I snuggled closer to the fabric and felt him sit beside me again. “Feeling better?” I shrugged and just stared at the sea in front of me.

“I guess so.” Why does my voice sound so…shaky?

He let out a breath and smiled back at me. That grin of his will be death of me, not the stupid sea. “You don’t know how scared we all were when Isa started screaming like a lunatic. She was even flailing her arms.” He laughed then his expression turned serious. “Why would she do that?” It wasn’t hard to tell that he was annoyed at her. I don’t know what came over me but I placed my hand over hand and patted it gently.

“It’s not what you think. Don’t blame her.” It’s kind of my fault anyway for going to deeper waters when I don’t even have the slightest idea on how to swim…

“I just hope you’re right. The guys started panicking and yelling loudly at her. They would have freaked out all over if I didn’t know how to do CPR. Pat was the one who got you out of the water by the way.” I nodded, telling myself to thank Pat later. I owe him my life.

“And the other girls?” He shrugged and dug his hand in the sand.

“Shrieking.” I laughed a bit. I looked down at my feet, finding no more words to say. “They uh…the guys even planned on calling an ambulance.” I whipped my head towards him with wide eyes. An ambulance? No, I don’t want to go back to a hospital again.

“Woah.” That’s it. One word to end this conversation. We went back to the silence and saw that Isa was still long gone and so were the other two girls. One girl stayed behind though and she was conversing with Garrett, keeping him quite distracted. I shakily stood up but Kennedy stopped me, grabbing my hand in the process.

“Should you be doing that?” He casted a worried glance over at me while I just gave a meek nod.

“I think I can handle myself.” I smiled at him and told him that I’ll just go check up on Isa since the guilt might be eating her alive. He told me to be careful and stay close. I agreed and walked away, stumbling a bit in the process. I could still feel Kennedy’s gaze over me, which only made me clumsier. I clutched the towel tightly around my shoulders and wandered off into the direction Isa walked off to.

My skin started to feel a bit itchy since it wasn’t accustomed to the seawater. I felt a shadow hover behind me which gave me goosebumps. I turned around and saw John holding his two palms out. No wonder it was hovering, John’s insanely tall. I quirked my eyebrow and he gave a mere shrug.

“Kennedy told me to go with you.”

“Oh…um.” What do you say? “Thanks.” He nodded and walked alongside me. Neither of us really talked. He did ask if I was feeling okay and I replied with a simple nod and a smile. It was all to make him feel a bit relieved I guess. It was weird for Kennedy to send John to look after me. I think I could handle myself nicely.

Up ahead we noticed a few huts, looking lonely and shackled. I heard Isa’s voice from the first hut and my pace suddenly quickened. It doesn’t take much for a girl to realize that one of her friends is crying. I told John to wait right at this spot while I go check on Isa. He didn’t bulge though but I told him that if he didn’t do it, I would ignore him for the rest of the summer and he didn’t want to lose his pride.

The hut was made of good old bamboo and a few palm leaves. Isa was crying near one of the corners and her head was in between her knees and she was rocking back and forth like what I did before. I quietly approached her and when she heard the floor creak her head came up and her tear-streaked face greeted mine. Her blue eyes were pools overflowing with water. She wiped her eyes with her free hand and let out a shaky breath.

“Stay away, Lisette!” She hissed but there wasn’t enough venom for me to actually leave her alone. I kept walking but she kept spattering non-sense to me like how I would just die when she’s around. I sat beside her and watched her cuss out like there’s no tomorrow. The tears were suddenly back and she was crying at my shoulder. It felt like she was the one who almost died, not me.

“Shh…it’s not your fault.” What does a person do when a person is crying? I was new at this and all I did was hug her awkwardly while comforting her. She sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “Yes –it—is.” She was hyperventilating and her words were being cut off abruptly. I don’t know what to say afterwards so I decided on telling her the truth.

“I don’t know how to swim.” She stopped crying hysterically though, just a few tears slipping from her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before I pulled your leg?” I shrugged and blew the hair that was coming on my face.

“I didn’t know it would matter.” Again the silence came back, taunting me at how pathetic I was at socializing or for this situation, comforting others. Isa sighed and sat up straight. She gave a small giggle and I breathed in relief. At least she giggled.

“Well it did. I feel like shit, Lisette. I almost killed you.” I cringed when she said those words but she didn’t notice it. “And for the first time, John yelled at me while you were unconscious. Garrett even confronted me telling me how stupid I was! Garrett never does that. Never. Even to a girl. God, I feel like shit. I am a total fuck up.” She pulled her hair in various extents and I had to stop her from pulling her hair out completely.

“I’m sure they’ll forgive you,” I mumbled and gave a weak smile.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because then I won’t forgive them either. I’ll ignore them for the rest of this bucket list thing. I’m just defending a fellow girl friend of mine, is that bad?” She genuinely smiled at me and lightly punched my shoulder.

“Thanks Lissy.” That nickname.

“Don’t mention it.” We stayed there motionless, watching the moon bask in its glory. We didn’t talk. We simply just sat there without doing much of anything. Isa broke the silence though with just a few words.

“Those girls followed me, Lisette.” I became awake and watched her frown.

“And?” She laughed bitterly biting her lip like it was the most normal thing to do.

“They spat at my face. They told me that I was a whore—which I assure am not and a total idiot for drowning you.” Those girls screamed trouble all over. I find it a bit funny though because they’re the real whores and I bet they just want to feel good about themselves.

“They’re just jealous,” I replied and waved the topic off. She just looked at me curiously though so I continued. “They’re jealous that you of all people, get to spend more time with the infamous John and, they’re jealous that they weren’t the ones who drowned in the sea.” This caused Isa to laugh loudly.

“Yeah. Hey, did Kennedy’s lips feel good?” She nudged me in the gut.

“Wha-what? No! I mean, wait. I don’t know! This is a trick question isn’t it?” She laughed at me even more and since I’m ghostly pale, it wasn’t hard to see the red in my cheeks. She just patted my head and laughed some more. I huffed and stood up quickly causing my knees to buckle a bit. We went out of the hut with a smile on Isa’s face and an ever-present frown on mine. I hate it when people teased me.

I was well aware of the fact that John waited for us outside the hut but I clearly didn’t expect this to happen. I, for one, feel disgusted and sick to see John shoving his tongue down the girl’s throat. Isa on the other hand, had her fist clenched and her face was as red as a cherry. She was oddly stiff beside me and before I knew what was happening, she walked up to the two couple making out and slapped the shit out of John’s face.