Selfish

Elizabeth

They say life begins a soul searching journey.

I say that it’s just the opposite,
Hell bent on trying to become something everyone else says you should be.
The perfect daughter
The perfect thoughts.
Perfect...

I’m far from "Perfect"
What is it anyway?
A mother who’s terminally ill. Not Perfect
A daughter who's 24/7 suicidal. Not Perfect.
Is that what brought me back to the blade?
Yes.

Cutting, it’s my escape. My cause of pain.
The ONE Damn Thing I Have Control Over.
Maybe that's why I do it so much.
Five years and counting.
Sober for some time you could say, but something always brings me back to the blade.

So Here I Sit

On my bed, cutting.
Deep, deep enough to bleed.
Deeper enough to almost hit bone.
No one would care if I was dead,
So Why Not Keep Cutting.
I'm high now too.
Flying on thoughts of Oxycotten and crimson filled nightmares.
Is that all life is?
A nightmare.

Kimberly

A nightmare, I'm awoke by a nightmare. Again. Woke up screaming.

Rushing. There's a rush into my room.

What's wrong with her?
Why's she screaming?
Can't she get over the damn nightmares?
My roommate Alex basically screams.
I suppose being in a mental hospital Does that to you,
(I think I have yet to go any crazier than I was)
But, I've been her longer.
She walked in the day she was admitted
In tears
Crying her eyes out.

"Too many people. Leave... Leave
now...
To many people
. Too much to deal with.
Leave... please."

I'll go. says Alex. Maybe one
less person here will
make
Her fucking screaming stop.

Tom speaks. Alex, go talk to a nurse. Call your mother.
Do something. Once Alex is gone again,
Tom speaks Kimberly, what happened.
Why are you screaming?

Nightmares.
Again.
They.
Haven't.
Stopped.
All.
The.
Same.
I can't breathe. panic attack coming on.
Tom.
Can't. Breathe.
Panic. Attack.
Help...

Screams fall as I fall into unconsciousness.

All eyes dissolve around me as I fall.
Tip back into oblivion.
Conciseness gone.
I feel as if I'm six feet under.
In a giant grave of grey

Soon I'm out of the Dirt

I'm swimming a pool of black, blue, and green.
Slipped out of unconsciousness in an ambulance.
She's coming to.
Kimberly we're transferring you to a different facility.

Andrew.

Facility.

Another facility. Another time to "Think about the ways you've acted Andrew."

They say this time it’s not a juvie dent.
Which means I'm going to a mental hospital.
Three times.
Three different Juvie Dent.
All In Six Months. I didn’t do anything the bastard
Didn’t deserve.
I never did anything in Juvie that a kid didn’t
DESERVE

What a word. Everyone has a different way to describe
What Someone Deserves.

I don’t deserve to be doing time

One way or another until I'm 18
He needed to be Fucked Up.
Never meant to kill him.
Just wanted to do to him what he did to her.

Her.

I loved her. So much
She drove me insane.
So Beautiful
Dove inside my mind.
I couldn’t wait until she was mine until forever.