Selfish

Elizabeth

Madison Wisconsin.

It's my next home.
My next mental state home.
No "Come One, Come All" Ages
Strictly a Teenage Group home.
This is the first time
I'll be around people my age
Will they know me?
Will I know anyone there?

Has anyone from my past
Become a crazy slicer
like I am now?
Or have they
become even worse
than I am?

Is it possible to become
worse than the monster who controls
Every fiber of your being
It's not like I care
If I could I'd take the neerest bus to the
neerest skyscraper,
Go all the way to the top
and jump off

The monster wouldn't
be telling me to.
I'd be controlling myself for once.
I don't know what brought me to the blade in
The first place, but I do know that whatever happened.
I don't regret any of it.

I wonder how my mom is
Wonder if she's doing better?
Or if she's even worse than before,
All because of me.
But I don't care.
They think
"I'm getting the help I need."
I think, the second I get out of here.
I'm jumping off the neerest, tallest
Building and taking
A giant
Leap
Forward.

Kimberly

Forward.
Into the horizon.
That's what they say that this
Group home is.
I've heard one attending say

This is a place where you learn
How to
Become an
Adult
In your troubled
Teen years.
I know how
To get by in a
Place like this
It's easy.
you just have to fly below
the radar.
Don't talk to anyone
Don't become friends with
anyone

Don't make friends with the
Staff, or the attending
don't get yourself stuck
in a relationship with
fake How's it going
Smiles that mean nothing to the person saying
it. And it's nothing but an
Empty promise to you.
Because that's all life is
Empty Promises.

Nothing is ever real
In places like this
Full of Fake Hope
Empty smiles and
promises of
Getting better Kimberly
You're making improvements
But, I'm sorry.
You can't be let out.
I would.
I don't think there is
anything wrong with you.

Just Mistakes.
I know that OCD is impossible to
Control.
And Depression doesn't make
It any better on top of
It.
But, things happen for a
Reason.
Please, just rememeber that.
I'll always love you.

That was perhaps
The biggest lie of all.
He never loved me.
I tried to help him
see that I was a monster.
Nothing but a monster controlled
Thoughts of what "Perfect"
should be and how
I wanted perfect
And what
Depression was
And how far I sunk into it.

Making me
Go mad. Go crazy.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
OCD. OCD. OCD.
Depression. Depression.
Depression. Depression.
They would fight inside my brain.

(OCD)That towel in the corner
The one you just checked 3 and a half minutes ago
Go check it again.

(Depression)No, I can't.
I don't have the
Strength to
get up again.
I don't have the
Ambition to get
Up and check again.

(OCD)You have too.
Go check it.
What if it got crooked?
What if it isn't sitting in the
Spot it needs to be sitting in?
What if... What if...???
GET UP AND GO CHECK IT.

(DepressionI can't I don't want to
get up again.
I just want to sit here,
and rest.
Sleep,
I'm so exausted.
Please, just...
Let Me Be

"STOP. STOP IT. MAKE IT STOP.
PLEASE... MAKE IT STOP.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE
NIGHTMARES.
I WANT IT ALL TO END."

Andrew

I want it all to end,
I've wondered what
jumping out of a moving car
Would be like.
I wonder what dying would be like?

Would it be calm?
Would I finally be Happy?
Would it be peaceful?
Or.
Would it be horrible?
Would someone cry?
Would I be miserable?
Is it more possible
For me to be more miserable than
I am now?

I could easily
open the door,
slam into the cement slab,
possibly not die
and just crush all the
bones in my body,
be paralyzed and just
live in misery

I think it'd be better
to die than to live in misery
in more misery than
I am right now.
But, if I become paralyzed
I could easily kill myself
Hopefully that time it
could work.
I'm going to do it.
I will open this door.