Anamnesis

The day has been long. My mind is unable to evoke any memories of the day but my body tells me everything that I need to know. My limbs are heavy against something soft beneath me. It is becoming difficult to hold my eyes open. There is nothing that I want more than to fall into a slumber that will ride me into the morning. But there is a feeling in my bones. Once that keeps me awake.

Something happened today. Something happens every day but today it seems more important. An uneasiness settles within me as I scramble for anything that could bring back the memories of the day.

I can remember screaming and harsh words. There was pain. There was black. But there were also kind eyes that seemed to make everything better.

There are eyes above me now. They are wide and green, shiny with tears. I cannot recall if I have seen these eyes before. They stir something within me. It’s a feeling that I do not understand. I want to reach out and wipe away the tears that slide down pale cheeks. I want to speak, say that everything will be alright. I don’t even know what it is to be okay. Anything to make these tears disappear.

The eyes belong to a girl. At least I think it is a girl. Long brown hair covers everything except for those eyes that haven’t looked away from me. I can’t remember seeing a girl before. All those bodies that have touched me have short hair and cold faces. This face looks different. I’m positive it does. Everything begins to blur and I can no longer remember why I was thinking of sexes.

“Dee!” The voice is quiet but there is something about it that forces my attention. I recognize the name. Dee. A man once called me that. Whether it is my name or not I do not know. The numbers 83067 are repeated in my mind. I do know those numbers. I am 83067.

Something warm is placed on my shoulder. I feel my muscles tense. There is something bad about the touch. Hands on my skin are bad. They bring pain.

There is something different about this touch. It does not hurt like I know it should. Instead it is heavy and settling. My heart goes from a fast beat to something much slower. I can hear the pulse in my ears as it whispers quiet thuds that bring me to a sense of calm. This person will not hurt me. I am not sure how I know this.

“You must listen to me.” That voice sounds more urgent than before. “Do you understand?”

I nod even though I honestly do not understand. It is dark and I can barely see. This is time for sleeping. My body aches with fatigue. There is a pain in my stomach. It’s a dull throbbing that takes over my entire lower half. I cannot for the life of me remember why it hurts. My brain tells me that sleep will help. I want to sleep but these eyes do not want me to drift.

“You must not take what they give you.” The voice is now different than anything I have heard before. It is higher than others. I do not know for sure if that makes this body a woman. But something tells me it is.

I don’t remember ever seeing a woman before. She looks like the others. There are eyes and a nose. Even a mouth. I wonder if she is like me. I know I am a female. There are questions coming too fast. Confusion covers my thoughts in a fog. I know I cannot be the only one. But why have I never seen one before? Do I look just like this girl? There are no mirrors in this room. There is no way that I can see.

The weight on my shoulder moves away. There are fingers now on my chin. They pinch roughly and I try to move away. These fingers are strong. They keep me in my place no matter how hard I try to move. I hear myself gasp as a sharp pain shoots through my jaw. This girl’s eyes turn from wide circles into tiny slits. She is no longer different. She has turned into a monster.

She is just like those who cause pain.

“Listen!” I do not want to. “They make you forget.”

Whatever she speaks of does not sound bad. To forget means I will not remember the pain. I know what it means to forget. It happens every day. It’s like grasping for air. I will never be able to catch it much like I cannot catch my memories. I know what pain is. It is white hot fire but I cannot remember what it feels like. Forgetting is good.

There is a crash somewhere. It makes me jump and the fingers let go of my face. The girl disappears. I try hard to remember those eyes. Those eyes that began to water with tears. They become a blur in my mind. I do not even know what color they are anymore.

Screams fill the room I am in. Shrill noise that rattles my bones. Something in the back of my mind sparks. I have heard these shrieks before. I shut my eyes and cover my ears but I can still hear the screaming. It is a never ending note of too high music. I want it to stop.

More voices sound. They are much deeper. I know that there are now men in the room. From where I lay I cannot see. My body shakes and I am not sure I want to watch what these bodies are doing to the girl. From the yells it is probably not good. If I do not move maybe everything will stop.

I try to count. One. Two. Three. I cannot remember what comes after three. There must be more if there is an eight and a six and a seven. My patient number is higher than three. Before I can recall what comes after three the screaming stops. I close my eyes and smile. When it’s quiet I can think.

Four comes after three.

I lower my hands from my ears. When I open my eyes there are bodies bending over me. My mouth drops open but a hand covers my lips before a scream of my own can follow.

There are five of them. Five bodies in white that loom over me like monsters. Their eyes are wild and angry. They are nothing like those eyes I first saw. These eyes scare me. They are attached to sharp noses and frowns so deep they etch lines into the skin of these faces. It is these faces that I am used to though I cannot remember even looking upon them.

“Do you think she knows anything?” The voice is rough and dark. The man who spoke has dark hair that blends into the room. He holds something in his hand. The tip of it looks sharp. It glints in what little light is in the room. A needle. My heart begins to race. I do not like what he holds. There is something in it that will burn my skin for a long time.

“If she did then she would be screaming like the other. Look at her. She’s practically fucking comatose.” I do not know who speaks. His harsh words make me flinch. Fingers appear in front of my face and they snap loudly. “Hey. You. What’s your name?”

I do not know what they want me to say. I have memories of two different names. A number and then Dee. The girl they took away called me that. And another. A man once called me Dee but I fear if I utter the name I will be punished. I speak before I can think. My number tumbles from my lips as if I have said it many times before.

Ugly smiles appear on the faces of these men. I must have said something correct. “She’s still brain dumb. Probably can’t remember what happened five minutes ago. Stick her for good measure but we don’t have to worry about her.”

Something grabs my arm. Fingers bite into my skin. Before I can try to pull away there is a pinch near my elbow. My skin begins to burn. It inches higher and higher. Things begin to blur.

There are five bodies standing above me. Their eyes are cold. Ugly smiles mar their faces. They look more like animals than men. One of these creatures holds something in its hand. What it is I have no idea. I open my mouth to ask what these monsters want. They disappear before I can utter a noise.

My eyes flutter shut and sleep takes me.