Anamnesis

The day seems different. It is brighter and not just because the sun is out. I can see the yellow rays coming in through the windows of the cafeteria. The light shines on dozens of people sitting at long white tables. I watch them closely. Some are eating with their hands. They pick up pieces of food and stuff it into their mouths. Others are fumbling with plastic utensils that they just can’t seem to figure out. All of them, each and every one of them are women.

I close my eyes after staring at the woman sitting next to me. I bit my lip and think. It is a positively amazing experience.

Her hair is dark. It falls down her back in waves. It makes the stark white, cotton shirt she is wearing seem even brighter. I screw my eyes shut and try my hardest to continue drawing this picture in my memory. Her skin is pale and splattered with hundreds of freckles. She looked at me once. I remember that just as I could remember her eyes. They were blue, the color of the sky on a sunny day.

There is an overwhelming feeling of pride that grows in my chest. Never have I been able to recall such detail after glancing just once. I am remembering. And it feels amazing. It broadens my mind and opens new possibilities. I am only just starting out with the girl sitting beside me.

I hold image of the girl in my head for a moment more before opening my eyes. I very nearly bring my hands together in an excited clap.

She sits there. Her hands are playing with the food in her tray. She pays no attention to me but I am staring at her. My eyes roam over dark hair that tumbles down her back and very nearly brushes the bench that she sits on. Her shirt is as white as I remember it. When she tilts her head towards me I can see the freckles that paint her skin.

My heart speeds up. I can feel it in my chest as my excitement grows. I did it. I can remember.

And then she looks at me.

Brown eyes stare back at me. They are full of confusion. My heart falls. They are not blue like I remember.

I can feel the memories falling away. They swirl around in my mind so quickly that I cannot discern the images that I try do desperately to cling to. There are women. Some have blonde hair. Others have dark hair. There is one with red hair. Maybe it is two. I am sure I saw them.

My head begins to throb in time with my heartbeat. It is a dull ache at first. It starts near the front of my skull and slowly spreads. I bring my hands to the side of my head in an attempt to press the pain away. The edges of my vision begin to blur together in a mass of black. I can no longer see the brown haired girl sitting beside me. Or is her hair blonde? I cannot remember anything.

I shut my eyes and will the ache in my brain to disappear. Stars appear within the darkness. Sparkling white that sears my eyes even though they are closed. It makes the pain worse. Yet I still try to grasp at my memories. I refuse to forget what I have seen. My head feels as if it is shredding into ribbons. It is only when I actively stop trying to remember that the ache begins to disappear.

“Hey,” a brash voice makes me jump. It sounds annoyed and rather angry.

Slowly, I pull my hands away from my head and blink open my eyes. It is bright for a moment, too bright for my eyes. I wait for them to adjust to the change but the voice is impatient.

There are two strong fingers on my chin. It awakens a burning pain that shocks a memory from the recesses of black in my mind. Green eyes and a voice that tells me to listen. The words spoken are muddled in my brain. I cannot remember them exactly.

My head is forced up as I try to recall anything from that moment.

Eyes are staring at me, boring into my own. They are dark with annoyance. Something flickers within me. It’s a tiny spark that started with the pain. I feel it flow through me like a wave of water washing away the haze. I remember this man.

His features are pointed too sharply. His sneer matches the cold gaze he levels me with. The last time I saw him he had a needle in his grasp. It was night at the time. Today is different. There is no black for his hair to blend into. There is no shadow to hide his features. He is one of those men that had visited me at night. I see him now and everything begins to fall into place. This man makes me forget. He makes every single woman forget.

“The hell are you looking at?” His voice is as harsh as it was that night. He seems absolutely disgusted with my very existence.

His glare sends paralyzing fear through my body. It is not his presence that terrifies me. It is definitely not his strong grip on my jaw. I remember pain above all else. This is nothing compared to what I have been through. No, he is not that one that I fear. It is his ability that forces my back straight and my eyes to widen.

He takes away memories.

I do not want to forget. I refuse to forget.

A warm voice in the back of my head whispers gently. It is a voice I cannot place but it is enough to settle my nerves. It tells me to pretend. I must not let this man know that I remember him. If I do not make this man think I see nothing but black in my mind he will steal my memories with a tiny silver needle. This will not happen. I will not let it.

I let my mouth fall open as I stare up at him. I blink once. Then twice. This feels so natural to me, to act as if I do not recall anything.

The man continues to glare. There are people staring now but I do not look at them. It will only get worse for me if I do. So I continue to stare back. The grip on my chin tightens. I flinch which makes the man smirk. “What is your name?” he spits out roughly.

“Patient 83067,” I say robotically.

This is exactly what he wants for he lets his grip loosen. That smirk turns into a grin with too much teeth. It sends a jolt of fear through me but I do not react. I must not react. He stares for what feels like hours. The room begins to grow hot but I refuse to look away.

Finally the man with the pointed features shrugs and walks away. “Fuckin’ brain dumb,” he mutters to himself.

I barely rejoice that I remember he has called me that before. I am too preoccupied with exhaling out the happiness that brings a smile to my lips. I am safe. There will be no pricks of pain at my arm or a shadow of black that blankets my mind. I will continue to remember.

As long as I pretend. I must continue to pretend.