Dream of Me

“Could you at least try to contain your infidel?” Felix sneered as we transferred things from my trunk to his trunk. He drove a dark grey Jeep with tinted windows, a white Spade tattooed to the hood of his car.

He acted like I controlled her. I can’t make her stop any more than he could. With eyes rolling back to look at Angel, she wore her halo close to the top of her head. “I’m not doing anything, Noah.”

I could hear the exasperation and that alone exasperated me. I didn’t want to be going on this trip any more than she did, and she just sat there and pretended that I was getting us ready to actually go to Hawaii. My finger jabbed at her with a warning as my voice fell through like acid breaking through plastic. “Cut it out.” My eyes turned towards Felix to catch his gaze as I snapped my eyes toward Angel once more. “Both of you just cut it out.”

Silence filled the air and my fingers massaged my temples as I threw the last of our bags into his wide trunk. Closing up the trunk, I walked to the passenger side door, seriously contemplating on whether I should sit in back or in front. See, if I sat in front, I’d have an ear full of sass from Angel on why she was stuck in the back without me, but it’d be easier to converse with Felix from the front passenger seat. Angel stared at me through the dark glass and I could already see we were going to have problems with this seating arrangement, but alas, I opened and closed the front door with a slam.

Raising my hand up instantly, I stared at her in the rear-view mirror. “Don’t start with me. It’s a long ride, and I’ll be back there in a little bit, sweetheart.”

Angel rolled her eyes and turned her head to stare out the window, avoiding my pleading gaze with hers of annoyance. I knew I was being rude and irrational, and I knew I was being snappy today and that my patience was well more than short-lived, but I just had no room for bullshit attitudes right now. Including Angel’s.

I pressed my hand to my forehead and looked over at Felix for a moment as he backed out of the apartment parking. My tongue swathed over my dried, crackled lips as I thought of what to say to this old friend of mine. Minutes seemed to pass before I actually obtained the proper words to start with. “How’re your parents?”

I did wonder from time to time how Marik and Marnie were, they had become like second parents to me, and they were so disappointed and sad to see me leave. That always made me happy, they were so sad to see me leave and so was Felix, in his own way. It was just the pure fact that they cared in a way that my parents didn’t. They didn’t care about reputation and they didn’t care about shame. They accepted you for what you were worth and that was something my parents – my family would never accept and I promised myself the day I left that I would show Angel a different side to our race. Eyes flicking to the rear-view mirror, I watched her sit with her hand propping her chin up as she watched the scenery flash.

“They’re, um, they can’t wait until you come back. They’ve missed you the last three years. You know, just how it used to be.” Felix said in a nonchalant tone, his eyes keeping to the road as he tried to get us out of the town and onto the express way.

I relished over this thought, how it used to be. We were a couple of happy-go-lucky kids when we were younger. We were always outside in the fields yonder and we’d play an assortment of games and sports with the other Spades. The thing about our race that I never noticed until I thought about it was that there was a whole whopping hand full of boys who would sit around and gaze at the clouds thinking about the girl they couldn’t wait to meet. You’d have boys at thirteen years old with hearts in their eyes and it only got worse between the next two years of waiting, and you’d still have to wait because it wasn’t like they could just make a run for it to find their soul mate at fifteen years old.

My hand moved through my hair, scrunching up the strands as I glanced at the old friend I had, wondering suddenly if this broken friendship would ever be mended. With a sigh, I replied. “How it used to be… those were the good days. I remember playing Capture the Flag with everyone. We were such carefree kids, you remember?”

Felix’s eyes flashed toward me before we started to get on the over pass to take us into the express way. “Aye, I do remember. Those memories are quite fond to me. It was the days that made sense before this whole life became complicated.”

A breathy laugh fell through my lips at this statement. “I couldn’t agree any more with you. It was the days before supporting a woman and thinking about buying a house, providing a life suitable for both of your needs. It was the days when we actually got to feel like, well, kids.”

“I think that sounds great, and I’m sorry you had to miss out on that.” A voice from the back spoke in a soft, almost guilty tone.

My eyes shot to the rear-view mirror as my hand reached around to grab hold of Angel’s, my thumb smoothing over the soft skin that I still hadn’t come to memorize yet. “Yes, but this life is such a better one than before. Never forget that.”

Angel nodded once and moved to the seat behind me, resting her head against the back of my headrest. My hand reached over to play with her hair and her arms wound lazily about my neck, loose and comfortable. Dropping my hand to hold onto both of hers knotted together, my lips pressing against the softness of her knuckles and resting my head back against the headrest so that I could see her by turning my head. “Hey, sweetheart,”

She glanced up at me briefly and then closed her eyes, her arms tightening around my neck slightly. “Hey there,”

My lips pressed against her arm as my eyes trailed up, hoping to catch her gaze for nothing shorter than a second, at least. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier.”

“You’re forgiven.” She whispered slowly, smiling as she looked up to catch my gaze and then looked back down, her eyes closing once more. It didn’t seem appropriate to ask her what was bothering her right here, right now.

My lips pressed against her arm again, my lips pausing against her baby soft skin as I rubbed and strummed my thumb against her wrist. “Are you tired?”

She nodded slightly, clearing her throat for a second before she closed her eyes tightly. “Yeah, I think I might try to nap.”

I nodded and unwound her arms from around my neck, letting them slink back against her frame. My eyes turned toward Felix with an almost apologetic gaze as I unbuckled my seat and climbed into the back. Angel’s eyes lit up in a way that I was hoping they would as I sat horizontally and pulled her between my legs, acting as a body pillow for her as well as a blanket. Her hands pressed against my chest as I put them around her back, holding her protectively and possessively into me. This reminded me of the other night when she fell asleep on my chest our first night truly together. It seemed like years had passed from then until now.

After an hour of holding her close and tightly, I looked up at Felix and realized for the first time that he must be jealous and lonely. Tongue snaking out to wet my lips, I asked slowly, “So, did you finally meet Carmie?”

Felix released a sigh of happiness, his eyes meeting mine in the rear-view then retreating down to look at a small picture on his steering wheel. Plucking it up, he swiveled his hand behind him and handed me the delicate picture. In the picture, Felix and Carmie were holding each other and holding up the camera. She was shorter than him with dark brown loose curls and possessed beautiful hazelnut brown eyes. Every Dreamer was gorgeous and lovely in her own way. They all possessed a certain glow about their features when they were with their Spade.

Looking away from the picture, I fixed my eyes on Angel. My careful fingers curled a wisp of hair around her ear as she rubbed her cheek and curled more into my body. I leaned down slowly, whispering softly against her ear, “I love you, my Angel.”

“I love you, too.” She breathed slowly through her mouth as she gripped my shirt between her fingers and pulled it closer to her body.

My eyes widened and I inclined my head towards her, looking up at Felix and then turning my eyes back down to the gorgeous girl. “What did you say, baby?”

Her response was a grumble and pushing her body weight the opposite way and turning her head on my chest, her head touching the leather of the back seat. Shaking my head, I slowly and carefully dragged the girl up my body so her head rested on my shoulder and her fingers gripped my shirt again in a dependent embrace. I felt something inside me heat up and freeze out, my body releasing a quick shiver as I sighed and looked back up at Felix.

“The first time is always the best, isn’t it?” Felix smiled with knowing as his eyebrows went up once before his eyes connected back to the road.

Shrugging, I confessed, “It’s not the first time she’s said it.”

“No, but it’s the first time she’s meant it.” He replied instantly, rebutting what’d said prior.

My head started to shake as some sort of feeling of rejection filled me to my neck, my throat closing in soft anger and hurt. I cleared away the clench with a hum. “She’d never say it if she was awake, though. She doesn’t believe she’s in love with me, and won’t even try to talk about it with me.”

“Well, that’s just tough luck, then.” Felix said in finality.

My eyes snapped up to look at the back of his head, my gaze strangling and piercing to the very breath. “Tough luck? What if we end up like Joseph and Anna? She wants nothing more than a friendship with him, and they’re bonded!”

Felix’s eyes looked into the rear-view once more, and recognized that I had tears in my eyes. The way he looked at me had me understanding what he was about to say next. “Look, I don’t want your pity. I just want your reassurance. I just want to believe that she loves me. That I don’t have to wait another year to say it.”

“Every Dreamer works at her own pace, Noah. You can’t force her to do anything, to say anything… to be anything because it’s what best suits you. You’re starting to sound like your father.”

“My father is a power-hungry, anti-sympathetic, selfish scum. Don’t you ever – I mean ever – compare me to my father ever again, Felix. That’s a dangerous territory to cross.”

“Then stop acting like you can change how things are. She is your Dreamer. You’re not supposed to be impatient and afraid. Whether she loves you or not, that shouldn’t matter. What should matter is, whether or not she wants a relationship, she’ll always be in your life.”
I looked down at the comatose-induced girl, my hand against her cheek. “But it does matter.”

“Why does it matter?” Felix’s voice raised slightly, his eyes flicking repeatedly between watching my face and watching the road.

“I love her! That’s why it matters, damn it!” I yelled infectiously, my body heating up slightly.

“Don’t you think Joseph loves Anna? Don’t you think Joseph has the same kind of damn struggles you do? Damn it, Noah, maybe you should start thinking about what she needs before you worry about anything else?” Felix shot back with poison dripping from the words.

“Do not act like my family, Felix. Don’t sit there and act like you know my Dreamer.”

“Maybe you should start trying to know her.”

“What the Hell is that supposed to mean?” I growled out to him, arms circling tightly around her back to keep me in this seat.

“What that’s supposed to mean is you don’t know your Dreamer at all. You know what she tells you and what she allows you to see, but not that extra mile.”

“What do you mean? Peeking into her mind and memory bank? That’s an invasion of privacy.” I shook my head at the absurd idea.

“Or maybe you could just tell me about you? About your life before me, tell me about your parents and your brother, and what you and Felix used to be like … before I tore you away from him?”
Both pairs of eyes snapped down to look at Angel with rutted brows, my eyes glazing over her features and Felix’s eyes were just caught off guard from the sudden pitch change. “I tell you about them.”

“No you don’t, not really at least. I know everything about you, every literal and complete aspect of your life – after you met me. What about the sixteen years before that? Were you nothing, were you suspended in time? You had a life before me, and I wish I knew about it.” Angel propped herself up on my chest as her eyes searched through mine.

My lips pressed against the corner of her mouth, my eyes skimming to hers before I whispered. “Once we get into Spaten Reich, we’ll have all the time in the world for that. I promise.”
Her eyes glanced at Felix and then back to me. I could read the fear and uncertainty in her face as I pressed my hands to her cheeks, “It’ll be alright, sweetheart. Okay? We’ll be in Spaten Reich before you even know it.”

As I smiled with assurance and my fingers rubbed soothing circles into her skin, I couldn’t help thinking about if I was telling the truth or a lie right now. The odds were against us at this point. A.) My father was a councilmember B.) Felix was a cadet on the Hierarch Patrol C.) We were nationally considered “infidels” to the whole Spade race. Walking through those gates could mean something completely otherworldly at this point, something dangerous. I had to make the decision of that was safe for my Dreamer.

The only problem with that was: I had no control. Whether it was safe for her or not, we’d still have to go into there and hide out. Maybe we’d evade the Elders or maybe we were walking into a trap, it didn’t matter.

I

Had

No

Control.