Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep

I looked out of the window through my black curtains. A large U-Haul had pulled up in the house next to me. That place had been vacant for almost seven years. Maybe it was because of the way the beige paint was peeling or how the weeds were overgrown. The old owners were crack-heads and never bothered with maintaining it.

A boy that looked about my age stepped out of the passenger side of the car. His blonde and black hair moved along with the wind. I sighed and moved my small curtain back to its original place. My eyes scanned over the room. Black walls were covered in band posters, pages of Kerrang and Alternative Press, and CD covers. A large bookshelf covered part of one of the walls. It was filled with books. Horror, biographies, fiction.

“Blake!” My mother yelled from the living room. I quietly walked through my doorway and into the small living room.

“Yes?” My gravelly voice was probably barely heard. I was always either whispering or screaming. Never just talking.

“Kevin’s coming over tonight. Go make friends with the new boy across the street and see if you can spend the night,” Of course she didn’t want me. She never wanted me. It was all about Kevin. Since me being born had “ruined” her unlived teenage years, she decided to try dating again. It was a different guy every month. Whore.

“I can’t, Mom, that’s rude,” I whispered again.

“Blake, just leave,” I nodded my head causing my medium length, black hair to sway back and forth. Forcing myself, I dragged my feet along the carpet until I reached the stained and wooden front door. As soon as the outside air hit me, I began to cough. I didn’t go out much. I liked being in room, hidden away from everyone’s suffering. That way, I could obsess over mine.

The blonde/black haired boy came to sight. He was holding two boxes stacked on top of each other. The weight didn’t seem to affect him at all. My footsteps made small noises on the not quite damp ground.

“Hello?” The boy asked quietly. I realized that I had gotten a bit closer to him than I meant to. I awkwardly took a step back. He voice was feminine and had a ring to it.

“Hey, uh, my mom said to say hi,” I told him. I was never good with first impressions anyways. “So here I am… saying hi.”

He giggled and raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. “I’m Chauncey. You can call me Chace,” His slight British accent almost made me smile. Almost.

“Blake,” I replied.

“You’re name is a contradiction,” He said quite simply.

“What do you mean?” If my voice had raised any higher, it was back to normal now.

“The origins of the name ‘Blake’ are uncertain and either mean ‘dark hair and dark skin’
or ‘light hair and light skin’,” He explained. “You have dark hair and light skin, thus you are a
contradiction. Well, at least your name is anyway.” My face must have shown how confused I
was because he blushed the tiniest bit. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t scare you away,” He
apologized. I shook my head.

“What’s your name mean, Chauncey?” I asked him.

“Chace, you can call me Chace. And it means ‘Hunter’.” Hunter, hm? He didn’t look like
a hunter.

“I like Chauncey,” Was all I replied. Chace was too… normal. And he was definitely not
normal. I didn’t talk to normal people this much.

“Mind helping me with the last of the boxes?” I nodded silently as he handed me two of
the lightest ones. I followed him into the house. The door was already propped open. A guy
who looked to be about twenty walked out. Must have been his brother.

I was led into the second bedroom and set my two boxes down. The room was slightly
bigger than mine, but not by much. His closet was a walk-in and the bathroom was attached
to his room as well as the hallway.

“Having fun looking around my room?” I snapped out of my thoughts and turned back to
him. “My brother will get the rest of the boxes.” So it was his brother. “Help me unpack my
room a bit?” Instead of replying, I walked to the nearest box labeled “Walls” and tore it open.
Pieces of artwork, posters, clippings, and sayings filled the box to the brim.

“Where do you want these?” I mumbled.

“On the wall to the side of the window. Just cover as much of it as you can,” I grabbed a
step ladder that was small so that I could reach the top of the ceiling and start pinning them.
After only two or three minutes of doing so, I began to hear him hum a tune that I didn’t
recognize.

“What song is that?” I mumbled.

“Oh, what? Uh-uh nothing,” Chauncey stumbled over his words a notable amount.

“It’s cool, man. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” He nodded and brushed a
stray strand of hair from his face. Only five minutes later, the entire wall was covered. I had
finished it in silence. Once I climbed down the step-ladder I sat next to him. The same
strand of hair was in his eyes again. My fingers gently pushed it away. He looked up at me.
The beautiful golden eyes of his were cloudy and shining. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head and sniffled the smallest bit. “I just think I’m catching a cold or
something, nothing big. It is almost flu season,” He rambled out that sentence and played
with his fingers. I reached out my hands and took hold of one of his to get him to stop.

“It’s okay. Like I said, you don’t have to tell me,” He sniffled one last time and nodded the
tiniest bit. His body curled into mine. I froze. No one ever touched me. Ever. They either
thought I was some demon or they would catch “the gay”. Slowly, I brought my arms around
his body.

“Chace, you wanna- Oh, hey. I didn’t realize you were still here,” His brother said as he
walked in through the door. Chauncey immediately sat up straight and wiped away any tear
tracks on his face.

“Kellin, can Blake stay the night tonight?” I guessed that got me asking out of the way.
But why did he react the way he did?

“Sure,” I caught Kellin’s eyes. They were dark brown, almost black. His hair was a very
dark brown that contrasted with his light skin. “I’m going to go out tonight then. I’ll be back
tomorrow.” He walked in and kissed Chauncey on his cheek. Kellin held it for a moment
longer than what seemed necessary and walked out. As soon as he was out of the door,
Chauncey let out a long breath out of… relief?

“It’s him,” I heard him say quietly, like he was wishing for me to hear it but not sure.

“What’s him?” I asked just as quietly.

“He’s what’s wrong,” Before I could ask anything else, he cut me off. “He-he makes me
feel so good but he’s- he’s so bad for me.” He got even quieter at the end of his sentence.

“Well, thank you for telling me,” I told him. He pushed himself halfway onto my lap and
rested his head on my chest. Without hesitation I wrapped my arm around him. “So, what
are we gonna do tonight, seeing as I’m staying over?”

“I was kind of just hoping that we’d stay here. Unless you like parties or something. I
usually don’t go, but if that’s what you like to do. I’m sure we could find one. Plenty of people
have them. I’ll even go and try to make friends to find o-“ I cut him off by placing two of my
fingers over his mouth.

“We can stay home,” I removed my fingers and he giggled while I saw a small blush
grace his features.

“Sorry, y’know… Babbling,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“It’s cool,” My eyes went back up to his wall. I noticed that one of the biggest pictures he
had up was of “Motionless In White”. “You Like them?” I asked.

“Like who?”

“Motionless In White. They’re on your wall, so I kind of figured,” He nodded and
proceeded to explain more.

“Yeah, I do. They just make everything go away. Like all of the pain. The songs; I can
relate to almost every one,” I felt the sides of my lips lift up.

“Now, why don’t we figure out what we’re doing tonight,” He smiled. “How about… we
can watch a movie. Stuff our faces with popcorn. Also-“

“Cuddle,” I don’t think he meant for me to hear him, but I did. His voice was barely even
a whisper. My words stopping alerted him that I heard. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” Chauncey
gave up on making excuses.

“It’s fine, love.” He tilted his head to the side.

“You’re not whispering,” And right, I wasn’t. Strange.

“Oh, I hardly noticed,” I tried to make my voice go back to a whisper, but it just didn’t want
to.

“Queer…”

“Excuse me?” I almost yelled.

“Queer. Strange. Weird. Your voice just changed,” He explained in the calmest manner.

“Oh, I thought you meant- never mind.”

“You thought I meant gay,” He stated, not asked. I nodded once. “So you are gay?”

“Sure,” He was calm about this.

“Sure isn’t an answer, Blake.”

“It is for now,” He shook his head and smiled.

“For now,” Chauncey pushed himself off of my lap and onto the ground. His feet landed
with a soft ‘thump’ and his hand outstretched to mine. I took his hand and he led me to the
living room. It was mostly set up with an entertainment system and TV. A few boxes were on
the ground labeled “décor” and such. Chauncey bent down to one that read “movies”. He
pulled off the tape, lifted the cardboard flaps, and peeked inside.

“Hm… Well, we have any Tim Burton movie you could think of. Yes, also including Pee
Wee’s Big Adventure,” I laughed and went through the DVDs by Burton.

“How about this one?” I pulled out Edward Scissorhands. He nodded and we walked
back into his room where he put the DVD into his laptop. “I always liked this movie. I felt like I
could relate to Edward. Still do.”

“I used to identify with him too. Then I began thinking of myself of the old scientist. He’s
different. And makes wonderful creations in his twisted head. But as soon as the “big
project” is done, he never gets the recognition he deserves,” I chewed on my lip and let his
words sink in. Who in the world wouldn’t appreciate him for things he has done?



“Mm, I’m tired, Blake,” Chauncey mumbled into my chest as he wrapped his arms
around my torso. We had watched all of the Tim Burton movies and it was already incredibly
early in the morning. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around him.

“Then go to sleep,” My voice was back to a whisper. He nodded and slid to where he
was laying down. I turned the TV off. The only light sources were the Christmas lights draped
around his room. I slid down also and faced his neck. I scooted a bit closer to his body,
trying to get warm. As soon as our clothed skin touched he froze. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing,” He stuttered out. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pulled him closer
to me. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s got to be something,” I whispered into his ear.

“Just… please let me go,” After a second’s hesitation I complied. It was silent for a few
minutes; Probably two before he spoke. “I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” Once again, silence.

“He did this to me,” Chauncey said while his voice shook.

“Who did what?”

“Kellin,” A deep breath, “hurts me. He… he fucks me.” My entire mind went blank.
Someone – not to mention someone that Chauncey should be able to trust - is touching him
in a way that’s not wanted. Anger seemed to pump through my veins. I forced myself to calm
down.

“Chauncey, does he or has he raped you?” He quickly shook his head and turned to
face me.

“No!” He blurted out. “No, it’s not rape. He makes me feel good. I like it. It’s not rape,” he
repeated.

“Shh,” I wrapped his slightly taller body in my arms. “Do you want him to?”

“Some-sometimes.”

“How often?”

“Well, I’ve only really wanted him to once. But I don’t mind. It’s fine with me. I’m used to
it. It’s happened so much that I’ll usually only be a little sore in the mornings,” I felt a few
tears screen my eyes. Quickly, I blinked them away.

“He’s not ever going to hurt you again,” I whispered into his hair.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” He mumbled.

“I’ll keep this one,” His response was to curl into me even more. Sleep overtook me.



I woke up to a whirlwind of strangled sounds coming from a room next to mine.
Chauncey’s body wasn’t next to me anymore. Shit! I dashed out of the room into where the
noises were coming from. As soon as I walked in the door I saw Kellin pressing his lips to
Chauncey’s with the smaller man’s legs wrapped around him. A song was playing in the
background. The same tune Chauncey had been humming earlier.

As soon as Chauncey spotted me, he pulled away from Kellin. I knocked Kellin that
monster away from him and pulled Chauncey towards me. I pulled him into my arms.

“I am so sorry, Chauncey,” I spoke into his hair. “I broke my promise.” He made no
noises. I turned to see Kellin in a pair of boxers and a black wife beater. “How the fuck
could you do this to him?!” I screamed at the man before me. I shuffled Chauncey to the
other side of the room.

“What the fuck?” He asked. “That’s my fucking boyfriend you idiot!”

“Chauncey is not your property! You can’t just do whatever the fuck you want to him! He’s
you brother. Not your fuck toy!” His facial expression changed as soon as I said
Chauncey.

“What did you call him?” Kellin asked calmly.

“You know damn well what I said,” I growled.

“Did you call him Chauncey?” I nodded once at the disgusting human being before me.

“The doctors said Chauncey was gone…” He mumbled to himself.

“He’s obviously right there! You just molested him!”

“I did not molest him,” He said sternly. “I shared a kiss. With my boyfriend, Chace.”

“Against his fucking will!”

“You don’t get it!” He said. “Chace and Chauncey are two completely different people!” I
glanced at Chauncey who had a blank expression on his face.

“What do you mean?” I asked wearily.

“He’s been my boyfriend for two years. I met him when my grandma was in the hospital.
Chauncey was a patient in the psychiatric ward there. We’d see each other in the cafeteria
and in the halls. One day, I asked the nurses why he was in there. They said he had split
personalities. Chace, who is his real self. And Chauncey, a victim of sexual abuse. He had
always been different than the other kids, but not to that extent. He lost his virginity to his first
boyfriend real early. Chace was twelve while the other man, Josh, was nineteen. It was
mutual, but ever since then, Chauncey came to be,” I swallowed and looked Kellin right in
the eyes.

“How do I know you’re not lying?”

“Talk to him right now. He’s Chace now. It might one of the few times that he’ll be his real self with you,” Kellin walked out of the room to give us privacy. It took everything I had not to pounce on him and scream liar. To hurt him like he hurt my Chauncey. But that was just it. Maybe he didn’t hurt Chauncey. Maybe, just maybe, he really was Chace.

“Chauncey?” I asked. The boy looked up at me. I sat down next to him.

“That’s not my name,” He grumbled. I felt my heart plummet. Everything he told me,
confessed to me… it wasn’t true.

“Chace?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Do you remember anything you said to me yesterday?” I asked him. He nodded.

“I remember bits and pieces. You’re “sure” instead of gay or straight. You like Tim
Burton. You made a promise. But that’s all,” I bit my lip. I had only known Chace for so long,
but I felt like I knew everything about him already. He was perfect to me – for me. But that
was just it. Chace wasn’t perfect for me. Chauncey was.

“Do you remember telling me Kellin was your brother?”

“No. And I[/i} didn’t. Chauncey did. But I’m sure he did. He says the same thing to
anyone who will listen,” It was so strange. I wasn’t talking to the boy who was so broken. So
lost and confused. I was only talking to the body that he had taken. Chace was the real
victim.

“May I- May I talk to Chauncey for a moment?” He sighed and shook and his head.

“I can’t help when it happens. You have to do something to trigger him,” Chace
explained.

“May I?” He nodded and led me out by the front door. Kellin was sitting on the couch,
playing with his fingers. Chace looked to him and the older man nodded. We walked outside
by the short sidewalk that led to where the car was parked.

“Okay, do it,” The saddened voice of Chace almost made me not. Almost. I leaned
forward and brushed a few strands of hair away from his face. Nothing. My hands placed
themselves on his hips and moved closer to him. Nothing. I bent my head down and almost
brushed my lips with him.

“Blake!” Chace’s arms wrapped around my neck suddenly. They were Chace’s arms,
but Chauncey was controlling them. “He hurt my again today. You promised me.” I held him
tight against my chest. I didn’t care if this wasn’t the real boy I was holding. I could feel his
hurt. And I needed to help him. I pet his hair with one hand that I removed from his hip.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “Chauncey.” He pulled back to look at me. “Do you know a
boy named Chace?” He shook his head. “Well, he’s a very nice boy. He’s caring and doesn’t
feel sorry for himself. He goes through so much everyday all because of something that he
can’t control. And he looks so much like you. He has a boyfriend. His name is Kellin. Kind of
reminds me of your brother. Well, I met this boy today. And I have to ask you something,
Chauncey.”

“What do you need to ask me?” His delicate voice asked.

“Do you ever black out? Just have periods of time where you can’t remember anything?”

“Yeah…” He answered. “How do you know?”

“Because, when you black out…” His eyes were as glassy as mine at the moment. “You
let that boy be himself.”

“I don’t understand,” I wouldn’t either.

“You don’t have to yet. But someday you will. And when you do, tell Kellin that you need
to find me, okay? Find me as soon as you can. Then we can say goodbye,” I whispered the
last part so quietly that I was surprised he could even hear me.

“What do you mean ‘goodbye’, Blake?” He asked. A few tears escaped his eyes. “Don’t
leave me. I can’t be here without you. He’ll hurt me again. Everyday. You can’t leave. You
promised me,” I choked back my tears causing my throat to sear.

“I’m sorry,” I lightly pressed my lips to his. Because I knew, deep down, that Chace
wouldn’t keep it going long enough for me to see Chauncey one last time. I knew I’d never
really get to say goodbye.

“Chauncey,” I said as I began walking away. His face was covered in tear tracks. “You’d
love Chace.” I walked the rest of the way home while trying to ignore his calls for me.
Eventually, I could tell Kellin had walked out. Chauncey’s screams of protest turned into
Chace’s whimpers of guilt. I met a boy who was perfect for me. But perfection never lasts. It
wears off, turning into depressing thoughts of “look what used to be”.

And to this day, I’ve never found someone like Chauncey. My prediction was correct. Chace
couldn’t handle it much longer. He committed suicide three years after that night. All that
other people saw was that he committed suicide. But I saw more. He committed murder. He
killed Chauncey. And in some ways, I’m still glad he did. Because if I still had Chauncey, my
thoughts about perfection might just change.