Status: hopefully
Julius
OH, WON'T YOU LET ME DOWN?
Don’t get your hopes up. This isn’t a love story.
It’s hard to explain. Where should I start? The beginning or the end? Which parts are the beginnings and which parts are the ends?
What happened? I liked him, we fucked, he died, I miss him.
My entire relationship with Julius, from beginning to end, was a complete fucking blur.
I’m trying to remember when we first met, but it’s hard since I was only half conscious at the time and only half conscious now, as I try retelling the story for only the zillionth time.
Basically, Julius was my first everything.
Sometimes, he didn’t bother to call at all; other times, Julius was unbearably jealous and possessive. Either way, it didn’t matter. Every moment with him was heaven. It was hard to be around him but I didn’t ever want to let go.
On our bikes, we used to ride to the beaches and skate parks and old tunnels. If we were high, we wouldn’t talk, only fuck. I could never keep up with him.
If we weren’t high, it always felt like my world was ending.
I hated myself around him; every word I had to force out, it was hard, the way I would stutter, how quiet and nervous I would get. I had to bite my lip, to keep it from trembling around him. He was weird and otherworldly, I thought, why would he ever want to keep me?
I couldn’t stand to be with him, scared of being rejected. I couldn’t stand to be without him, I liked him too much.
Sober, sometimes, we would just hold hands and whisper and eat cherries. Still I can’t deny there was always that suffocating feeling of butterflies in the air.
I don’t know. How can I explain my first crush? Where do I begin? Where does it end? How can you even ask me something like that?
It’s hard. How does this not turn into another fucked up love story?
It’s hard to explain. Where should I start? The beginning or the end? Which parts are the beginnings and which parts are the ends?
What happened? I liked him, we fucked, he died, I miss him.
My entire relationship with Julius, from beginning to end, was a complete fucking blur.
I’m trying to remember when we first met, but it’s hard since I was only half conscious at the time and only half conscious now, as I try retelling the story for only the zillionth time.
Basically, Julius was my first everything.
Sometimes, he didn’t bother to call at all; other times, Julius was unbearably jealous and possessive. Either way, it didn’t matter. Every moment with him was heaven. It was hard to be around him but I didn’t ever want to let go.
On our bikes, we used to ride to the beaches and skate parks and old tunnels. If we were high, we wouldn’t talk, only fuck. I could never keep up with him.
If we weren’t high, it always felt like my world was ending.
I hated myself around him; every word I had to force out, it was hard, the way I would stutter, how quiet and nervous I would get. I had to bite my lip, to keep it from trembling around him. He was weird and otherworldly, I thought, why would he ever want to keep me?
I couldn’t stand to be with him, scared of being rejected. I couldn’t stand to be without him, I liked him too much.
Sober, sometimes, we would just hold hands and whisper and eat cherries. Still I can’t deny there was always that suffocating feeling of butterflies in the air.
I don’t know. How can I explain my first crush? Where do I begin? Where does it end? How can you even ask me something like that?
It’s hard. How does this not turn into another fucked up love story?