Give and Take

The afternoon passed slowly for Ari and she found herself cross and in an undeniably sullen mood. Of course, it wasn't hard for her to figure out why. She let herself run over the last bit of conversation with Johnathan and breathed out heavily as she wandered along, before finally settling along a secluded corner. Sliding down the brick wall, she fumbled her iPod out of her pocket and quickly went to the pictures. Biting her bottom lip, she felt her eyes well up with tears.

She knew she should have just forgotten they were on there, but... it was far too much of a temptation to see what was once such a great source of joy. To see that she hadn't imagined it all. Her slender fingers skimmed over the screen, tracing the boy's face and trying to ignore her own face which was radiant with happiness that had vanished when he did.

It had been almost two years, but it felt like atleast three lifetimes. She felt aged and quite tired. She wished for a lot of things, but what she wished most fervently was that she hadn't loved him half as much as she did. It was ridiculous, really- to have been so in love at the age of fourteen. But, L.J was her first love, her first real boyfriend, and the only one to have captured her heart.

They had met at a highschool play when she was fourteen and became good friends a few months later. She had been told he was good with advice, so she called him. It turned out they had many things in common and they would talk late into the night about anything and everything. He listened to everything she said and never judged her. They eventually began liking each other and they shared their first kiss at a bonfire with their friends.

L.J had been in an open relationship with another girl at the time, Valerie, and she, sensing he felt differently for this new girl, had told him to pick- Ariadne or Valerie. This was hard enough; he had been with Valerie for over a year and they'd had a deep and complicated friendship for years before that. But, Ariadne had fallen in love with him and told him so. In time, he fell for her too. After many weeks and much deliberation, he had picked Ariadne and they had begun dating.

It was the happiest she had ever been in her life. They were inseperable once she began highschool, though she was a freshmen and he a junior. They had the relationship everyone else envied; he told her she was beautiful every moment he saw her, kissed her forehead and told her he loved her, no matter who was around. His friends adopted ehr into the group and teased her like a little sister. It was almost too good to be true... and it was too good to last for long.

They'd begun to test the physical boundaries and she wanted to do the ultimate act- to which he discouraged. "We have forever to have sex, baby," L.J'd told her patiently, but Ari, always stubborn, wanted more. Not neccesarily just for the feelings involved, but because they were both virgins- she wanted to be his and he be hers.

Finally, she'd broken him down and their first time was in a secluded garden in a haze of heated frenzy. She was completely satisfied, but he, well... he regretted it simply for the loss of his control and the impulsive act. This would not come to matter, because Ariadne's parents found out and punished her in the most severe way possible- homeschooling and forbidding her from him.

That night, she'd managed to find a way to call him and they both cried on the phone, promising each other they'd wait and be together when she was eighteen. L.J swore he'd marry her, and that they'd have as many beautiful kids as they could. Cherishing this, she held on to the love between them like it was her only lifeline.

As their secrecy progressed, she found herself extremely wary and resentful of Valerie and L.J's friendship. She would go into fits of rage whenever she'd find out that Valerie was still trying to make advances on him and she'd tell him he couldn't be around her. After hours of arguing and her collapsing into sobs, he'd hurry to promise, that, yes, he'd stay away from her.

Ariadne's homeschooling wasn't quite that; her parents ordered her books and left her alone at the house to do them by herself. Never have been a self teacher, she hated the lessons and began to become quite depressed at her situation. She had loved highschool and being around her friends constantly. The constant lack of people around took it's toll on her. She wrapped her entire world around L.J, spending all her waking hours thinking of him and his promises.

Now, they had problems in their relationship, due to many things: never being able to see each other and tip toeing around her parents, her jealousy of different girls, and various normal couple problems put a strain on them, but, it had always worked out. She had genuinely loved him with her entire heart and she'd have done anything to keep them together. L.J, in turn, promised her he'd always loved her and they'd talk in depth about what they'd do once she turned eighteen.

However, shortly before their two year anniversary, she began to notice he was pulling away from her. She immediately suspected Valerie and accused him so- but he retorted that she was merely a friend. Ari felt something deep within her tell her otherwise and she clung to him all the tighter, terrified of losing the one thing she loved in her life. She would try and wheedle things out of her best friend, Elana, who's boyfriend happened to be L.J's best friend, Logan, but she wouldn't say much of anything.

Finally, two week after their anniverary, the end she so dreaded came. The night after his senior prom, he messaged her and told her that he had to do something that would hurt them both, but was something he felt he had to do. She asked him, with her entire body shaking, if he was breaking up with her. His reply came slowly, but was an affirmative, "Yes." She found out he and Valerie had spent the entire night at each other's side and that he couldn't deny his feelings any longer. Like a car spinning out of control, Ariadne sped headlong into the crash.

Everything she had known was now a lie. His love for her had been as real to her as the floor beneath her feet and now it, too, fell away from her. All the promises, secrets, whispered endearments, and intimate moments of their love making swirled in her mind, making her physically ill. She called him immediately, demanding him to take it back.

"How could you do this to me?" she repeated over and over to him, working herself into a hysteric fit. "You're all I have; you're all I've ever wanted. I need you!"

"Ariadne, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just can't do this any more," he'd replied quietly, his voice riddled with guilt and sorrow. Shaking her head, she began to hyperventilate.

"You pro- promised! You SWORE! You just- we just- four days ago- in your mom's van- made love- and you asked me to," she began crying so hard it was a searing pain in her chest, "to ma-ma-marry you."

After many more accusations and enraged outbursts, she'd hung up on him and called Johnathan, her heart splintering into a thousand pieces.

"Ari, Ari, you've got to call down," he'd pleaded and she'd only sobbed harder.

"I can't, I can't," she'd wail. "He doesn't love me any more."

After a few hours, she'd cried herself out and called L.J back, telling him she wanted only one thing from him.

"Just... make love to me one last time," she'd whispered, her eyes stinging with tears once more. "For closure."

"Okay, Ari," he'd murmured in response.

The next days were a living hell. She found out that he'd gotten back with Valerie the very next day. She began to depend on benadryl to sleep, otherwise she'd lay awake and cry for hours. A few days later, she lied to her parents and told them she was getting math tutoring from a friend of hers, while she met up with L.J in a private area of a park to give each other their things back. Seeing him was a physical shock to her system. She caught herself staring at him with wide eyes, wondering how he could look so very much the same, even though he didn't love her any more.

They had sat there on the grass for over ten minutes in an awkward and awful silence when he stood up.

"C'mon," he'd said, pulling her to her feet. "Give me a hug." And he'd wrapped his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest, beginning to cry. "I don't know how I can do this to you," he murmured, self hatred evident in his voice.

She looked up at him, and, hesistently, put her lips to his. It was instant; even through all the pain and suffering, their connection was too hard to break. As they fell to the ground, she couldn't even be swept up in the pleasure of it, because she was focusing too hard on memorizing everything about him, from the chocolate brown color of his skin, the broad shoulders to which she clung, and the velvety soft texture feel of him which she'd always adored.

When it was over, she began to cry once more, begging him not to do this, to take her back. He merely shook his head, with tears in his own eyes, saying in a choked up voice, "Ari, you're going to find somebody better than me. I know you will. He's going to treat you better than I ever did, and he's going to love you the way you deserve."

"But I don't want him!" she cried, breaking down. "I only want you!"

But she'd had to leave and that was the last time he'd ever looked at her with any kind of feeling other than friendly affection. She'd fallen into a dark state of depression and cut his initials into her chest, rebounded with several guys, and became a shell of the vivacious girl she used to be.

Eventually, she'd found a few guys she'd liked and thought would last, but they never did. After that, she'd given up and focused solely on her career and college, secretly fearing that she would never feel for another man the way she did for L.J, who was openly happy with Valerie.

Ariadne scrolled through the pictures, openly sobbing, wishing, with every fiber of her body, that there had been something in her that could have made him stay.