Jane

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

疼痛

It started out beautifully, and they felt like they were soaring through the air like sparrows. Wild and free. A smirk slapped on their faces. They were Peter Pan and Wendy. Flying and holding hands. Going on wild adventures into each other’s smile.

Mason looked into Jane’s eyes and gently pressed his lips to hers.

“I feel…” she trailed off. He put his palm on her cheek and pushed her silky, jet black hair behind her ear. He tilted his head.

“What do you feel?”

“I just feel so happy, I could die,” and she buried her face in his chest.

疼痛

She was so perfect. Her small shoulders connected her graceful arms to her voluptuous chest. Her slim waist broadened to healthy hips. Her thighs were perfectly sculpted to slim at the knees only to expand at her muscular calves. Her ankles were small and dainty, and her feet were a perfect size.

Mason would climb trees with Jane, and cuddle on a branch. He would tell her stories of his days in Neverland. He would recount marvelous tales of pirates and she would counter with a lovely time she spent with the mermaids.

They built a fort with bed sheets, chairs, string, kites, Christmas lights, and stuffed animals. They cuddled with each other and read adventure books like "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", "Treasure Island", "The Count of Monte Cristo", and they also read "The Catcher in the Rye". Jane would always fall asleep listening to Mason’s deep, soothing voice.

His fingertips brushed her eyebrows softly, softly, softly. Across her silky smooth face. Her hair was stark contrast to her flawless complexion. Her hair moved in the way the ocean does when he brushes it behind her delicate ear.

疼痛

Her eyes. If ice were a color, it wouldn’t be enough to describe her eyes. They were so blue, so white. They were as though vivid blue tropical water plus blue dye had been poured into her eyes and were frozen solid. She could stop him dead in his tracks with those eyes. And when water poured out of her eyes, they only grew so much stronger. Her eyes were pools of frozen sadness. But when she was with him, they were pools of frozen delight. He kissed kissed kissed her eyes so softly that she thought she had imagined his tender touch.

When she was frightened, she would grasp for him in such a manner that he clutched her to his chest, never wanting to let her go. She would press herself against his chest so hard, he thought they were one.

Her body fit perfectly between his side and his arm. Her fingers fit perfectly in his. There wasn’t a second when they felt anything other than utter bliss.

But not all good things last forever.

疼痛

Jane’s face reminded Mason so much of a passed love. He would sometimes think of Jane as Michelle.

“Michelle, can you hand me that remote, please?” he would say and reach out to her.

“Who is Michelle?” she would furrow her brow and asked.

“Oh,” Mason shook his head. “Just somebody that I used to know.”

She was so much more than that. She was his first love, and his only true love.

You might say “what about his love with Jane?” but your answer is this:

The first five months was ecstasy. They were flying high, but soon they disconnected. It was more of Mason pulling away. Something turned off and they became complacent. They would instinctively reach for the other’s hand, find it, and walk holding hands. But they never shyly, happily, quietly glanced up at the other’s sweet eyes at that moment of contact. They just simply held hands. They were a normal couple. The butterflies migrated, and were never to be found again.

Mason craved what he had with Michelle. He didn’t realize he could have had it with Jane. She was his, but he didn’t think of it that way. He wanted something real, but overlooked her. He kept remembering Michelle.

疼痛

Jane was head over heels for Mason. Although disconnected, she was madly in love with him. She read into every word he said. He would say things like, “I don’t feel like watching this with you right now, Jane.” Or, “Jane, get off. I’m trying to watch the game.” She pulled away, hurt. All she wanted was his love and attention. And he suddenly stopped. She looked at him.

Imagine you have a glass with ice in it. Now pour water onto the ice. What do you hear? You hear the cracking? The breaking?

Jane’s icy eyes cracked and broke.

And so did her heart.

疼痛

Jane would look at Mason, but be looking passed him. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking anymore.

She is what I’ve been wanting for so long, he would tell himself. She’s right for me.

Jane’s eyes have been said to resemble ice, and no one knew that better than Mason. He would turn to her, and say something sweet like, “You are so beautiful, you are so perfect.” And she would stare mercilessly into his eyes, and she needn’t say a single syllable. Times like these, her stare froze him to the bone. She wielded an icicle and stabbed him straight in the heart. The ice spread slowly at first, and then rapidly and systematically took over his entire being until he was just as cold and bitter as she had become.

He was so lonely when he was with her. She was heartless. She went through the motions, but she never kissed him affectionately. She was a subzero robot.

Mason awoke one day and realized that Jane wasn’t who he thought she was. He had put her on a perfect pedestal. He viewed her as such a perfect human being that he didn’t realize what he was missing. He was missing warmth.

疼痛

Neither one of them understood that what they each needed could be found in each other. If only they reached out to each other for their desires.

疼痛

“Michelle, can you get me a glass of water? –Oh, I’m so sorry, Jane!” He lightly slapped his forehead.

“Why do you keep calling me Michelle?”

“You just remind me of somebody that I used to know, is all. Gosh, I thought we’ve been over this countless times, Jane,” he rolled his eyes. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I’d done.”

“Jane-“

“But I don’t want to live that way! Reading into every word you say,” her voice cracked. A power came from deep within her heart. “You said that you could let it go, and I wouldn’t catch you hung up on ‘somebody that you used to know’!”

The frozen waterfall cracked into a billion pieces and the water flowed.

疼痛

Ding dong.

Mason rubbed his eyes and opened the door.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asked. Phoebee and Viviann were standing at the door with an empty mesh bag. “Come on in.”

“How is she?” he couldn’t help but ask. Her friends just looked at each other for a beat, and looked back.

“We came for her records,” Phoebee said with a downward glance.

“I’ve tried to call her, but an elderly man keeps answering,” he offered. Viviann just stared at the floor and Phoebee sighed.

“They’re in the bookshelf next to the dinner table,” he said quietly.

疼痛

“You changed your number?” Viviann asked.

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” Phoebee echoed. Jane hung up the three-way conversation.

They wouldn’t understand. How could they know that the sound of his baritone voice trigger emotions in her that broke the ice in her eyes?

Jane saw him in public a couple times. Her eyes flicked toward him and made eye contact for one millionth of a second until she looked down again as soon as possible. When she connected with his puppy-dog green eyes, she could feel raw emotion rise in her chest. It felt a mixture of nausea and being punched in the nose. She swayed in her spot.

She couldn’t even look at him, she couldn’t hear him for what effect he would have on her.

疼痛

One cool, breezy day Jane was taking a walk to the park. She had been staring intently at the cracks in the sidewalk, trying to forget him when she rammed right into a man.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention!” she glanced up to see Mason’s peridot eyes staring into her icy ones. She panicked and began to walk away. She took five steps when she heard whisper something to her.

“You didn’t have to cut me off,” he was barely audible. She stopped dead in her tracks.

“You didn’t have to make it out like it never happened and that we were nothing,” he cried out. Jane spun around. She slowly began striding toward him. Her face was wrought with absolute distress.

“I don’t even need your love! But you treat me like a stranger-“ she stood right before him, frozen pools of marine misery staring into emerald pools of desolate despondency.

“And that feels so rough,” he whispered. She dropped to the floor at his feet. She crumbled. She plummeted so hopelessly to his feet.

Wait a few beats. Listen to the utter silence. Listen to her weeping. Listen to the deep breath he breathes.

“Now you’re just somebody that I used to know,” he said as he turned and walked away.