Jar of Hearts

‘No, I can't take one more step towards you’
‘Cause all that's waiting is regret’

I saw you everywhere I went. I saw those rich chocolate brown eyes and mischievous smirk that jerked at my heart strings, those angled cheekbones that created such an amazing bone structure. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with the haunting memories of my nightmare as it slowly faded away. I could feel my yearning for you grow into something irrefutable. I tried to combat my emotions with the thoughts that it was just the mutual affection friends have but it wasn’t. You changed me. And I hated you. I hated you because I loved you.

‘Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore’
‘You lost the love I loved the most’

We were inseparable. Conjoined at the hip as we painted the city with the color of chaos. I could feel the pang of agony when I sat in my bedroom knowing that my abusive stepfather was downstairs and there was only a strip of concrete separating us. I was scared. You made it better though. Then you’d show up with that beautiful fucking smile that stole my breath away and made my heart stop for a moment. You were my angel in hell the candle light illuminating in the darkness.

‘I learned to live half alive’
‘And now you want me one more time’

When we’d retreat to the sanctuary of our secret place, you remember our place, the one by the creek bed that was hidden by the scraggles of bushes and trees? Your arm would be holding my shoulders to your body tightly that I could practically feel the warmth radiating off your body. My face would color red and I know you noticed. You noticed and you still kept your arm around me. Who knew the arms I thought that would protect me and possibly love me were the one’s I should have feared the most?

We’d hide in our spot letting the world melt away around us. No one mattered not even the guys the only ones who existed in our vertigo were you and I. You would cuddle me and rest our chin in my hair. Sometimes your lips would peck my cheeks and I swear I could feel tiny sparks of electricity shooting throughout my face.

‘And who do you think you are?’
‘Runnin' 'round leaving scars’

Then she moved into town. Michelle. You were drawn to her like a moth to a fluorescent light. I didn’t like her the moment my eyes gazed upon her. I could see the intoxicating effect she had on you. She began talking to you and the inseparable Zacky Baker and Brian Haner seemed like a memory millennia ago.

You started to ignore my phone calls and often times I found myself down by the creek, the moonlight’s incandescent glow on the torrent of river water streaming away from sight, and I’d be gazing at it myself. I could still feel your arms ghosting over my body holding me like there was nothing else. I came to school bruised and battered from the beatings the night before but I never cried. I never cried until I saw you and Michelle kiss.

‘Collecting your jar of hearts’
‘And tearing love apart’

You two began dating and I could feel my heart reeling. I’d watch the incessant hand holding, caressing of the cheeks, hushed whispers, and intimate touches. I shut my eyes tightly hand clamped tightly wishing that was me. Although that never happened did it? I felt so nauseated when I dragged myself out of bed knowing you would be there cuddling her. And then I realized you’d be cuddling the one you love. The one who wasn’t me because you could never love me.

I would paint a smile on my face and pretend that I was happy but everyone saw through it. Jimmy, Val, Johnny, Matt, they weren’t oblivious they saw my pain but you didn’t. The one who knew me for years was oblivious and maybe just maybe ignorance is bliss.

My brother Matt was into construction and therefore had many tools. I remember rummaging through his bag and finding a razor blade. I stared at it for the longest moment running my index finger over the tip. I pulled back sharply feeling the pad of my finger pricked, a bead of red forming. When I made sure no one was around I slipped it away and that night I held it to my pale skin and sliced my wrists until there wasn’t an inch of invisible skin.

‘You're gonna catch a cold’
‘From the ice inside your soul’

I was at the creek skipping stones when I heard the familiar crunch of autumn leaves. I turned my head disinterestedly and my eyes lit up. There you were and you were alone. You didn’t say much.

You smiled and sat next to me as we watched the small waves undulate through the water bed. Your fingers curled around my hips and you pulled me into your lap. I wanted to ask you why, I wanted to know where Michelle was. You merely placed an index finger to my snake bitten lips hushing me to not utter a word. And all I could think about was that I haven’t smiled like that in months.

‘So don't come back for me’
‘Who do you think you are?’

You were back with Michelle. I tried to start up a conversation and you ignored me. You didn’t even turn around to acknowledge me.

I bitterly stood up slamming my books onto the table affectively catching your attention. I started screaming letting my mindless frustrated babble pour out of my heart and mouth. The others watched in wide eyed shocked not knowing the extent of the pain you were causing me. I was reduced to tears trembling, yelling, and sobbing in the middle of the cafeteria creating quite the spectacle of myself.

In the spur of the moment I rolled my sleeves up revealing mangled purple scars. I shoved my forearms forward I practically shoved them under your fucking nose. But you know what broke me down? When you stood up and left without a word.

‘I hear you're asking all around’
‘If I am anywhere to be found’

We hadn’t spoken for nine months and it was killing me more than you. Why you were angry with me I’m not sure but nonetheless you would irritatingly glance in my direction every so often in the hall.

It was now our senior year and exactly a year from the day everything started to crumble. I was approached by Johnny that same day. I haven’t talked to the others in four months except for the usual exchange of hellos. After my outburst they tried to console me but they would never understand. They would never understand what it was like to get your heart ripped out of your chest so suddenly you didn’t have time to register what was going on.

Johnny explained that you had been asking about me. Why the pique in interest I don’t know.

I was sat at a lunch table by myself when you joined me. You crossed your arms and your expression was hard. I waited for you to speak and when you inevitably didn’t I stared at you questioningly. You explained that you were waiting for me to say sorry. I was incredulous and stupefied but after you started to talk I found myself apologizing for your mistake.

‘But I have grown too strong’
‘To ever fall back in your arms’

We were friends once again and I almost convinced myself that I didn’t love you. I started to date Gena Paulhaus and I treated her like how I would have treated you if the opportunity ever presented itself. She was a sweet girl and at the beginning of our ‘love making’ for lack of a better term I’d focus on her but by the end of it I saw your face not hers.

But this seemed different. I found myself resisting temptation and I think that I was finally falling out of love with you. I could tell by the alarm in your eyes that you realized it to.

‘And I've learned to live half alive’
‘And now you want me one more time’

The next day you showed up unannounced with a black puppy in your arms. My eyebrows knitted in confusion and you all but dumped the dog into my arms. You smiled and said it was for me. I laughed hysterically, considering this wasn’t a typical present that you would expect especially from a hard ass like you.

I named him Ichabod Crane since that was the name of the main character from my favorite Tim Burton film Sleepy Hollow.

You pushed yourself inside my house and you caressed my cheek. I froze and my arms grew alarmingly wide and you noticed by the way you grinned. You leaned forward and pressed your lips to my cheek. They lingered there for a moment or two before you pulled away. You stepped away and left. I cursed myself when I felt the familiar coil of butterflies and the wait my heart beat erratically. I think I was falling again.

‘Dear, It took so long just to feel alright’
‘Remember how to put back the light in my eyes’

We were 22 and I heard a rapid pounding on my door. I swung it open to see you standing there in the middle of a rainstorm. I stepped to the side letting you shuffle inside dripping water all over my nice carpet. I was living by myself since I ended things with Gena about two months prior. She was so sweet and I was tired of leading her on she needed someone who would give their heart to her and accept hers.

I made two mugs of hot chocolate and finished off with a swirl of frothing whip cream. You greedily drank yours while I sipped at mine. I asked for an explanation being gentle of your feelings. I had a pretty good idea about why you’d be at mine a quarter to 1 in the morning; why else would you be here? You mentioned that Michelle broke up with you and I could see tears slide down your cheeks. I felt jealousy fuel my emotions and immediately I felt guilty afterwards. I shouldn’t be jealous especially not of her she was just as sweet as the other girls and she had no idea what pain I felt although I’m sure you had an idea.

You looked at me and you burst into a bout of laughter pointing towards my face. I looked on in confusion waiting for you to catch your breath. You muttered something about getting it. In two quick strides you were there our fabricated chests pushed together. My breath caught and my palms started to sweat instantaneously. Your hands grabbed the sides of my face and you licked at my upper lip. I could feel my jeans grow tight. When you pulled back there was whip cream dissolving on the tip of your tongue and I understood. Sort of.

‘I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed’
'Cause you broke all your promises’

It was Johnny’s 21st birthday a week later and we were all at the bar getting abysmally shit faced. Jimmy was dancing on the table stripping like the crazy motherfucker he was. Johnny was passed out literally on the middle of the dance floor. Matt and Val disappeared, and I knew Michelle still hadn’t taken you back or the other way around. We were on two bar stools finished our eighth round of shots. We stumbled outside and walked to your apartment it being the closest one and all. I collapsed on your couch giggling and exhausted.

That’s when you crawled on top of me. I sobered up fast and I was almost sure you could hear my heart pounding. I groped for the words wanting no needing an answer. You crashed your lips to mine and immediately your tongue was down my throat. There was nothing sweet about this. Your hands trailed down and started to unbuckle my belt.

I wanted to protest to throw you off but I gave in to the temptation that I had been trying to avoid. In a matter of seconds my pants and boxers were in a cluttered heap a few feet away. My erection was pulsating and I knew even if I told you I didn’t want to do it that the evidence was clear on what I wanted.

He tore my shirt in half and I bit my tongue from crying in protest. His breath hitched as he stared at me.

“Beautiful.”

I wanted to laugh. He didn’t honestly believe his words and we both knew that. The pads of his fingers began to explore my torso and I could feel the chill nipping at my soft flesh. He placed light feathery kisses across my jaw and down my neck and collarbone. His lips brushed against my nipple and I involuntary arched my back moaning softly. He smiled wickedly before biting down on the tender pink nub his hand tweaking the other. My breath was shaky a series of incoherent sounds jumbled together and spilled out my mouth.

He pulled his own clothes off and we were both stark naked on his couch. His hand wrapped around my shaft and he began to pump swiftly. Electricity shot through me and eventually I found myself bucking up into his hand wanting to feel more. Euphoria was gradually enveloping me like a kindling fire.

“I’m…Bri I’m gonna..,”

You dropped your hand and I couldn’t help but pout. You chuckled drunkenly before lining yourself up with my entrance. I knew you’d try and be gentle because no matter what we were best friends. I sighed impatiently and slammed myself down my muscles stretching and adjusting. It didn’t hurt it was only a weird although that could be the magic of liquor.
“Now.”

Your hands gripped my hips and you began to slam into me keeping up with a natural tempo and about an hour later we rode out or orgasms together.

You want to know what was sad. I knew this meant nothing to you but I let you do it because I just wanted to feel you. I wanted to feel something from you other then pain.

‘And now you're back’
‘You don't get to get me back’

I wasn’t sure what to expect. I sure as hell didn’t expect you to suddenly decide Michelle wasn’t important and you wanted me. Although that was a nice fantasy it was too cliché and unrealistic to happen in real life, and I remembered rereading he text message you sent over and over until my eyes hurt.

‘I’m sorry…what happened last night was a mistake. I think we need to take a break from our friendship.’

Even if I saw this coming it didn’t stop the flow of tears.

‘And who do you think you are?’
‘Runnin' 'round leaving scars’

Four years. That was a new record even for us. But of course you didn’t contact me to get in touch. Instead I open up my mail to see a baby blue card with a milk chocolate bow.

‘You are invited to the wedding of Brian Haner Jr. and Michelle Dibenedetto.’

I wanted to crumple it up you see. To throw it down the fucking garbage disposal but I was 26 and you know what I’m done being immature. I was going to confront you and set this mess straight. I tucked the card away and reminded myself to pick up a fucking present.

-One Month Later-

I was extremely late I know. I couldn’t make it for the ceremony but I made it for the reception. There were all the guys. Michelle was sat at an overly extended table, a white wedding gown on her hair up with purple roses tucked behind her ear. You were next to her a dark purple vest, light purple tie, and black suit on as well. I saw the surprise in your face. Trust me I wasn’t even sure I was coming

Then Matt stood up and began to bang on his glass wanting a toast. The others went and everyone stared at me expectantly. I sighed but got up glass in tow and downed it before grabbing the microphone.

“Congratulations.”

I was going to hand it back when I saw you standing up. You reached for another one and what you said next took me a good while to comprehend.

“Wait! I can’t do this!”

“Brian?!” Michelle gasped.

“I’m sorry but I can’t! I love someone else.”

“Who?!” Michelle stood up angrily.

“Zacky,” He looked at me. It took a minute to realize you meant me.

‘Collecting your jar of hearts’
‘And tearing love apart’

“How could you do this to me on my wedding day?” She sobbed.

You turned back and stared at me. It also took me another minute to realize everyone was staring at me. You were professing your love for me! I had loved you since sophomore year 10 years ago and you actually returned my feelings.

‘You're gonna catch a cold’
‘From the ice inside your soul’

I looked to the side and for the first time in years my eyes connected with my friends and they knew. They knew instantly what I was going to say. I should have known they would know me better than you.

Matt nodded his head confirming that I should go with what I decided I needed to. Jimmy and Johnny followed Matt’s actions. Your chocolate eyes stared at me. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.

‘Don't come back for me’
‘Don't come back at all’

I saw those rich chocolate brown eyes and mischievous smirk that jerked at my heart strings, those angled cheekbones that created such an amazing bone structure. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with the haunting memories of my nightmare as it slowly faded away. I could feel my yearning for you grow into something irrefutable. I tried to combat my emotions with the thoughts that it was just the mutual affection friends have but it wasn’t. You changed me. And I hated you. I hated you because I loved you.

Michelle had collapsed into her chair broken down into hysterics. No one went to aid her, no all the other guest were too busy waiting for my reply.

I’ve wanted this from the start. I’ve wanted this so bad it hurt.

‘Who do you think you are?’

‘Who do you think you are?’

I opened my mouth to find my spit had run dry. I shakily raised the microphone to my mouth. My breath ghosting over it. I thought about the way you held me when we were at our special spot. The way you kissed my cheek affectionately. How you gave me the dog that I loved dearly. Our first time, how we met, and the first words we spoke to each other, our first jam session. Everything.

“I don’t love you.”

There was complete silence and I could see the shocked expression. You thought this is what I wanted? That I wanted you? I did but I’ve grown too strong to fall back in your arms. I learned to live half alive because you killed the other half. This isn’t what you want. I want you to be happy but I deserve to be happy too and you brought nothing but the reminder of my scars and how you repeatedly broke the one thing I gave you: my heart. I’ve come to find I couldn’t love you.

“What?” I could here the confusion as well as the surprise.

“I. Don’t. Love. You.”

“I…isn’t this what you wanted? I thought you loved me?”

“I’m through with being beaten by my heart, Brian. I can’t love the one thing that’s been killing me.”

“Zacky.”

“Goodbye Brian.”

I turned around and I could hear clapping. It was Matt, Jimmy, and Johnny no doubt. I stalked off and felt different. I felt…whole again. And that was the last time I ever saw you.

‘Who do you think you are?’