The One You Once Loved

present.

If you were to die right now, you wouldn't be remembered. You would be another body buried six feet deep and left for the bugs and worms. There wouldn't be a statue to honor you and there wouldn't be a national holiday to commemorate you. A few people would mourn you, but eventually, you would be a distant memory. And soon after that, you would be completely forgotten. That's how it feels, at least. That nothing would change drastically if I were to die. I wouldn't be the cause of depression or suffering. I would cause a little bit of sadness but people would get over it.

That is why I didn't tell him I loved him back. I told him to stay away from me and then I ran because he can't love me. He can't love me when we both know it's just a waste of his time. I won't be alive in the end. My life will end and his will continue. He should know better, I told him to know better. But John is stubborn like that. He wants to prove you and everyone else wrong all the time, but not this time. I will not allow him to love me.

He told me he wasn't afraid that I was dying, that he would love me anyways. I told him he was stupid. I thought he would get mad, but he just laughed. His stupid laugh. Everything about John is stupid, but nothing is more stupid than the fact that he loves me.

I'm dying and he needs to realize that. I told him that and he just looked at me and said "Live the best life you can, Katie."


"John, are you coming to bed?"

Looking up, I drew my attention from the torn journal in my lap. The girl, Serena, was dressed in my shirt. It was the shirt that Katie loved to wear and it angered me that Serena had it on. I narrowed my eyes at her and she furrowed her eyebrows. I shut the journal and set it down.

Serena was a distraction. She was just there for the company, even though I rarely spoke to her. I didn't want to be alone and neither did she. I knew that she loved me, she told me all the time, but I would never love her back. She was the exact opposite of Katarina and sometimes, just sometimes, she was successful in taking my mind off the girl I really did love.

As Serena walked closer to me, I gathered my thoughts. "I'll be there in a little. Change your shirt, I don't want you wearing that one," I told her.

Instead of leaving like I wanted her to, she sat next to me. Her hands reached for the light blue journal, but I took it back. "Why won't you let me see it, John?"

"It's none of your business," I said.

Serena rolled her blue eyes. She pushed back her brown hair and shifted. "I don't mean a thing to you, do I?" I didn't look at her. With a sigh, Serena shook her head. "I'll never be Katarina. I'll never compare to her, no matter what I do."

"Please go change," I simply said.

When Serena stood up and went to my bedroom, I knew she was mad, but I didn't care. She was right. She didn't mean a thing to me and she would never compare to Katarina. Sure, Serena was drop dead gorgeous. She had bright blue eyes and chocolate colored hair that went down past half of her back. She had tanned skin and her body was toned in the most perfect way. Her curves were well endowed and she knew just what to do, but it would never be enough.

She was perfect to others, but to me, she was no where near as perfect as Katarina, who was perfectly imperfect. Those green and hazel eyes were permanently embedded into my memory and her flat blonde hair was a touch I could always feel on my fingers. Her way too pale skin was locked in my mind and her small curves were just right. Her annoyed laugh always rung in my ears and her tattoos were art I couldn't ever forget. The way she would always trip and break things was a constant reminder.

Katarina was just shy of a disaster, but she was a disaster that I loved.

To my surprise, Serena reappeared in her own shirt. She sat next to me, crossed her legs, and pursed her lips together. "Will you tell me about her?" she asked.

I nodded. "Katie would uh, she was the most forgetful person I had ever met. You could tell her to do something and two minutes later, she would've already forgotten was it was. And she was always losing everything. I can't tell you how many times she lost her phone or her car keys or pens. She would lose her jewelry and shoes and even her car in parking lots. She absolutely hated sitting still. She couldn't sit still for the life of her." I laughed to myself.

"John, can I ask you something?" I glanced at Serena, telling her yes. "If you knew she was going to die, why did you fall in love with her? Why did you and are you putting yourself through that?"

"Because I couldn't not fall in love with her. Katarina was... well she was Katarina. I can't tell you how many times I tried to tell myself to leave her be, but I couldn't. I didn't care that she had a heart disease and was going to die. She was the only good thing in my life."

Serena glanced at the light blue book. "Will you read me some of it?"

Licking my lips, I nodded.

Everything about John is stupid, but nothing is more stupid than the fact that he loves me.

I'm dying and he needs to realize that. I told him that and he just looked at me and said "Live the best life you can, Katie."

When he said that, I told him to go fuck himself. I was dying, I couldn't live any sort of life. My life was ending.

Once John asked me how it felt to know I was dying. I had been feeling bitter that day and my mood was more than sour. My response was morbid, but John said it was the best thing I had ever said to him. I said "You might pity me because I'm dying, but it's me that pities you because I wake up knowing I'm dying while you all wake up pretending you're not."
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The chapters titled present are obviously the present and the ones titled past will take place in the past, when Katarina is still alive. Each chapter will alternate. The italics in the present chapters are writings that Katarina did and John is reading them. That will be explained more later, but there will be parts of the journal in almost every, if not every, chapter labeled present.