The One You Once Loved

Before I found out I was dying, I took everything for granted. I took the sun for granted. I took the stars and moon and sky for granted. I took cookie dough, pizza, and macaroni and cheese for granted. Once you find out you're dying, everything is different. You never know the last time you'll look at the stars or the last time you'll get to steal bites of cookie dough while making cookies.

John and I had sex for the first time. It was beautiful. I thought I was going to cry. I loved him so much. I loved him more than anything and it broke my heart to know my time with him was limited. I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to have a future with him and it hurts to know I won't. It hurts to know he'll have a future with someone that isn't me, but he deserves it. He deserves happiness once I die. He needs it. I know it will destroy him when I die.

I don't want to die. I want to give John my all. This is the only time I've ever admitted that I don't want to die and I'll deny I ever did. John can't know. He'll go crazy if I ever said it out loud.

But I don't want to die.

I threw the journal down in anger. She didn't want to die and I didn't want her to. She was so good at faking it. She made it seem like she was okay with it. I should've known she wasn't. I should've known better. The frustration I felt as I read that journal entry was unreal. If Katie was here now, I would yell at her so much.

My fists were clenched. Serena was in the kitchen and she glanced at me, confused at my outburst. When she saw the journal, she knew. I didn't care.

I put my head in my hands, still so angry. "John?" Serena called to me. I heard her on the phone as then she came to me. She put her hand on my shoulder, and I pulled away.

"Don't touch me." My voice was too harsh. "She didn't want to die," I said loudly.

I continued to think it over, not able to process the fact that Serena was next to me, confused and worried. I didn't know how long it had been, but it had been long enough for Jared and Sean to show up.

Serena got the door for them, and said what was going on. She murmured about the journal and how I kept saying that Katie didn't want to die. The looks of their faces were full of pity.

"John, man," Jared said. "You gotta stop reading that journal. You aren't helping yourself."

"She didn't want to die," I repeated. "She wanted to live, she wanted to be with me forever. She loved me!"

Sean sighed. "Come on, you think we didn't all know that? You were the only reason she lasted as long as she did. You saved her, John. You gave her another year of her life. Katarina loved you so much. You helped her in ways that no one could, not even me."

"It's not fair," I murmured. I could feel the tears in my eyes. "Why did she have to die?"

"It's not fair, you're right," he agreed. "But it doesn't change the fact that she's dead and you need to move on, John."

I looked at him in shock. "How can you say that? She was your best friend, you loved her just as much as I did, as I do."

"She would want better for us. Jared is right, you need to stop reading her journal. It won't do anything for you but keep you locked in the past. You can't - you can't live in a world where Katie is alive," he murmured.

They were right, except I didn't want to live in a world where Katie wasn't alive. I wanted to be with her always. I didn't want anyone but her. I didn't want Serena or whatever girl came next.

With a sigh, I nodded. They stayed with me for a little while longer and then they left, leaving me alone with Serena, who was not very pleased. She didn't say a word as she picked up the book from the ground, shut it, and placed it next to me. Her lips were pressed tight.

"I don't know what you want me to say," I told her, annoyed at the fact that she thought I owed her something.

She scoffed. "John, are you serious right now?" I shrugged. "Do you realize you're about ten seconds from losing me?"

My laugh was inhumane. It was bitter and harsh, full of resentment. I shook my head while staring at the stupid girl in front of me, who was dumb enough to put up with me. "Do you realize I do not care? I don't know what you expect from me, Serena. We are never going to be together, I'm never going to love you. And if you don't know that, then not only are you ignorant, you're flat out stupid."

I knew that I was being too harsh on her, but I was being honest. My heart would never belong to Serena, because along with Katie, it was six feet under the ground. There was nothing that Serena could ever say or do that would make me love her or want to be with her for longer than an hour.

Tears filled her blue eyes and she tried to blink them back. "You're a monster. Do you think that Katie would be proud of who you've become? I bet she would be disgusted with you right now," she sneered.

That made me snap. I shot up and appeared in front of Serena. A look of fear crossed her face, but she quickly hid it well. I got into her face, unaware of the person I was at that moment. "You don't know anything," I seethed. "You're a dumb little girl who isn't even worth the quick fuck anymore. Get the hell out of my house."

Her eyes were narrow as I backed up. Her hand reached up, and she slapped me across the face. Seconds later, the door was slamming shut behind her.

As I repeatedly blinked, I became aware of the tears in my own eyes. I was so angry with myself and with Katie for leaving me. She wasn't supposed to leave me. She was supposed to be with me for forever, like we both wanted.

I managed to retrieve the journal with shaky hands and I opened up the page I stopped. My gaze landed on the smeared words at the bottom of the page, the tear stained letters written there from Katie's eyes.

Please love again, John. If you're reading this, please find someone to replace me. You deserve it, you owe that to me. I know you'd like to think that I'm the only one for you, but that's not true.

Your heart is as deep as the ocean and as pure as a newborn child. Someone out there would be so lucky to love the man that I was able to love. I hope you realize that, baby.

I hope you tell your children about me one day. I hope you share the stories to your kids and your grandkids and your great grandkids. I hope they knew that you loved someone so deeply and that someone loved you more than anything in this world. You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry for me because you shouldn't waste your tears on me. I'm no longer there and you should move on. Find a girl to make you happier than I ever made you. Find someone who loves you as I once loved you and greater. Please don't push anyone away. No one deserves that from you.

Remember that I will always love you, John. And if I were alive right now, you can bet your ass I would be sitting next to you and giving your grief about something, but you would put up with up and our love would be stronger than ever. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I just love you, John.