The One You Once Loved

I remember when I was six. I was riding my bike and I had fallen off. Nothing on me was injured, I just scraped my knees and elbows. But my dad was so scared. He was terrified that something worse had happened to me. He rushed me to the hospital, and even though the nurses assured him I was fine, he still wanted to have me all checked out.

My dad was the only person who stayed in my life. My mom had left two months prior to my bike accident. She had been putting on a façade for the past six years. She never wanted the life she had. My dad told me that she wasn't happy. She never imagined herself married and with a child. So she left. She didn't want me or my dad. Two years later, though, we heard she remarried and had a son. The joke was on us.

My mother wasn't in my life but my half brother was, even though he was much younger than me. His name was Tyler and he meant the world to me. At age 14, he was pretty detached from our mom and he tried to visit me often since I was diagnosed.

But my dad was my best friend growing up. When we found out I was dying, he didn't want to believe it. He was in denial about it longer than I was. Once the dust was settled about the whole thing, he decided to move to Florida from California. It took a ton of convincing from me, but he finally said okay.

I didn't tell him how serious it was getting... I didn't tell anyone how serious it was getting actually. Not even John and not even Sean. The doctor said I needed to start preparing my goodbyes and getting my affairs in order. I didn't even know what affairs I had though... I had a handful of money and some furniture, but that was it.

I could feel my heart beating. It scared the hell out of me. My heart was a foreign thing to me, I didn't understand what was going on with it. When the doctors spoke, I usually zoned out. I just knew I was dying and it was serious.

I knew I needed to tell John that my time was extremely short. I was too afraid. He would be so angry at me. God, I love John more than anything. I made this biggest mistake ever when I fell in love with him.

"So what's in Katarina's journal today?" Garrett mumbled.

He put a piece of popcorn in his mouth, then glanced at me. "It's uh, about her dad mostly," I replied. "And about how scared she was to die. It was written four months before she died."

Garrett nodded. He let out a sigh and I automatically knew what was coming. "You shouldn't read that." I gave him a look and he held his hands up in defense. "Okay okay... I'm sorry. I uh, I saw Serena the other day. She... She asked about you."

I shrugged, shutting the journal. Garrett reached for the journal, and while I usually would scold anyone for reaching for it, I allowed him too. He was extremely close with Katie, he was the next person she told about her illness and when Garrett found out, he cried and then she cried also.

"I told Garrett today," he started to read. "He didn't take it well but I guess that's normal. I didn't expect him to cry, and I didn't expect to cry either. I hadn't cried since my dad left, I didn't even cry when John cried to me. I guess seeing Gary so upset made me realize that I'm leaving so many people behind. I'm leaving behind people who love me and I love them also."

He shut the book. "You aren't the only one that misses her," Garrett said. "We all do. Yes, you loved her, far greater than any of us did, but that doesn't give you an excuse to act like an ass to everyone who cares about you. Serena cares about you... And she's alive, John. She's alive and god damn it, man, she loves you. You should call her. She'll forgive you."

I hated to admit that Garrett was right. I didn't want Serena's love, or maybe I just thought I didn't deserve it. I had done so many things to her. So many terrible things that she would be insane to forgive.

"I uh... I think you're right," I finally murmured. "What if she doesn't forgive me?"

A soft smile played on Garrett's lips. "Then you find someone else. John- John, you aren't going to be alone. You're young, you deserve to find someone else. It would be a waste of a good soul if you didn't share it with anyone."

He suggested that we go get a coffee, claiming that the bags under my eyes were making him tired by just looking at me. We left the house, making our way to the coffee shop that was on the corner of the street.

"John? Garrett?"

At the sound of our names, Garrett and I looked over, shocked to see the little auburn haired girl there. She grinned at us, walking quickly.

"Mac? Holy shit," Garrett said, meeting her halfway. "How the hell are you? It's been so long!"

She widened her eyes while nodding, her smile going from Garrett to me. "I've been better, but I'm doing okay. It's good to see you two."

Mackenzie Mitchell used to be really close with our group of friends. She had dated one of our old friends, Mason. About three years earlier, though, Mason died in a car accident and Mackenzie moved to Baltimore. No one had really heard from her since then, except for a select few of us.

"How's Baltimore?" I asked softly.

"It's really good. I needed the change from here, after everything that happened... But I'm doing much better now. I'm actually pretty close with the All Time Low guys. Except half of them have left. Alex is still there, he told me to give you guys his best if I ran into you," she explained. Garrett grinned, clearly happy our old friend was doing better. "He uh, he told me about your girlfriend, John. I'm really sorry about that. I know how it feels."

I nodded, returning the smile she gave me. "Thanks Mac."

"Listen, we're having a bar-b-cue this weekend at Tim's - same house as before - and you should come."

Mackenzie thought for a moment. "Yeah, I'll see if I can."

"Cool, it's Saturday, you can come around 4 or whenever," Garrett informed.

She nodded, then said how she had to run. After our goodbyes and after Mackenzie left, Garrett grinned at me. "What?" I asked. His smile was creeping me out.

"Dude, Mackenzie Mitchell! She's hot! You should totally hit on her!"

I pressed my lips together, shaking my head. "I uh, I've been there, Gare."

"What!? You've slept with Mac!? Why didn't you tell me? When?" Garrett nearly shouted.

Rolling my eyes, I sighed. "It was uh, right after Mason died. I'm not proud of it, man. She came to me like a week after the funeral. She was a mess, completely awful. She cried and cried and then she begged me to kiss her. I did and she begged me to sleep with her. I told her no but she said she needed it. She said she needed me to tell her that I loved her, even though I knew I didn't at all. But she needed it, so I did. She left the next day for Baltimore and I haven't talked to her since. I didn't tell you because... I just, I wasn't proud of it," I repeated. "I took advantage of her."

"No you didn't John. She needed it. You helped her. Can you imagine if she stuck around? She'd be a mess. We all know that Mac wanted to go to the east coast, and Mason was the only thing that kept her here."

I didn't respond, since I definitely didn't feel that way. I had always felt bad about that, and I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone except for Katie, and she always tried to tell me that she didn't think I did wrong. She still loved me and she still accepted me.

When I got home after hanging out with Garrett, I picked up Katie's journal, looking for a page about Mackenzie that I knew she had written.

John told me about a girl named Mackenzie Mitchell today. She sounded perfect and the photo John showed me... She was beautiful. I feel terrible for her loss, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone that way. Maybe John can find solace in her. Maybe she will come back to town and once I'm gone, maybe he could love her like he once loved me. Maybe she could be the one to fix him.

He said he feels bad for what he did with her after his friend's funeral. But I don't think he should. I think it was nice of him to help a friend out.

Mackenzie Mitchell. Sounds like a perfect name. Something I always wanted. It flows so smoothly off your tongue.

Maybe you could love her, John. Maybe she can put you together because I know you'll be torn apart when I'm gone.

I miss you everyday, John. I know I'm not dead yet as I'm writing this, but I already know that I'll be missing you. I want you to know that I'm watching down on you.

I love you more than anything in this world. I know I shouldn't have let myself get close to you but I couldn't help it. Loving you was the greatest thing I ever did in my life. To be loved by someone like you, John, is the epitome of a fulfilled life. There's nothing else that could've made my time on this earth any better.