The *** of Warped Tour

I had a dream last night about the first time I met Ronnie, and woke up panicking because I left him yet again in that dream. It is sad how very afraid I really am about being left alone. Some people fear death, others fear the dark. And I fear people. I keep trying to convince myself about how much what they think doesn't matter. To be honest, it kills me when they all call me a whore. I want to be accepted for who I am, like I accept everyone else for who I am. It's not fair, but the reason I hate it is because I really, truly care more than I should. Post that on twitter and hash tag it with #internalagony.

Just kidding, that was supposed to be funny, and now that I have said it, and probably nobody is laughing, I feel like an idiot.

"Are you up?" Ronnie whispered.

I got a wonderful tingly feeling in my brain when he whispered. It traveled down my spine until I shivered a bit. It was chilly. And now that I'm looking down, I can see that's probably because he stole the blanket.

"Yes, and I'm cold. Can you turn your fan off?" I shivered again. I had goosebumps at this point. Ronnie likes to sleep with a fan, and I don't usually notice it, all of the three times I have slept in his bed. But every one of those mornings, including this morning, I have woken up feeling like I'm in Alaska or some shit.

"Mmm, no." He said, wrapping his arms tightly around me. Our bodies were pressed very tightly together, and I was very aware of the fact that we were both naked when his little guy pressed warmly against my inner thigh. I heard him moan softly as he pressed in tighter to me. I blushed when I felt him harden. Wait, I blush a lot when I'm with him. He makes me feel different than every other guy makes me feel. I feel like my younger, more innocent self. Even if i'm pressed up to a naked man in bed while I, myself am naked...

"Ronnie you've got a little problem... hang on I can't tell if it's little or big, because it keeps growing." I said as a lame attempt at a perverted joke. He shot up out of bed and looked down.

"Oh, Bell, I am so sorry." He laughed into the darkness of the room. I'm guessing it's still pretty early in the morning, like five am early. Oh wow, why am I up right now?

"It's okay, just can you turn your fan off now please? I'm cold." I shivered in the sheets. He reached behind him and shut the fan off. I thanked him and snuggled back into the sheets.

"Hey Bell?" Ronnie asked me.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?" He said. "Don't be weirded out."

"I won't be." I said.

"It's just that I remember you said the first time you saw my band was when you were seventeen. It was your birthday, and you were at a bar. Your dad left you, and you walked home alone."

"That's right." I nodded in the dark.

"And the other day I saw this in my notebook, the one that you accidentally dropped the morning I freaked out on you." He continued with his story, turning on the lamp and handed me a page in his notebook that said "Words are nothing" in his handwriting and "But words mean everything" in my handwriting. "I wrote the top part a really long time ago. It was something this girl said to me when I met at a bar one night on her birthday. I never forgot that night." He said slowly. I knew what he was getting at. He knew it was me. Oh fuck. I don't want him to know that was me, even though a small part of me wishes he does know that was me...

"Oh. Guess lots of girls go to see your band play at bars on their birthdays. I mean, I'd like to go out drinking if it was my birthday." I lied to him.

"No, this girl wasn't drinking. She was seventeen, and her dad left her there to walk home alone. Just like you." He said, a hint of accusation in his voice. He shook his head, continuing. "I forgot for the longest time what I said in response to this girl. I was so drugged out that night it was insane. I was going to write a song about her and use those lines in it." He admitted. "What I'm asking is, did you put these words here, Bell?" He pointed to the notebook.

"No." I shook my head, lying.

"Because coincidentially you also met me on a smiliar night, and though this girl refused to tell me her name, her friend called her B."

"Saskia wasn't my friend." I snickered. "She was my dad's step daughter."

"OH MY GOD, THAT WAS YOU?!" He shouted. "You're the girl who I helped break into a house?!" He looked shocked. "And you wrote this in my notebook for lyrics?!"

"Yes! Okay! I wrote it." I hid my face in the pillow.

"Why didn't you tell me your name?" He said softly. "That night, why didn't you tell me who you were. You ruined literally every relationship I had. I always compared every girl to the girl I spent that one night with. So innocent, so honest, just as lost as I was... you were perfect. And you just left me hanging there." He sounded hurt now.

"Because I knew I was going to have to leave you!" I shouted. "That's what I always do, I'm there for one minute, and then in the next minute I'm gone. I don't stay one place for long. Except, that time I really wanted to stay." I admitted. "And I had to go back to Florida in the morning. My parents' divorce managed once again to fuck everything up for me."

"But still you could have told me your name." He complained.

"If I told you I was Bell, you still wouldn't have recognized me." I rolled my eyes. "You took this long to figure out that that girl was me."

"You just have no idea how much it sucked to see you go. You wanted to say something to make me remember you, right? And you did. It was 'Words Mean Nothing', and I never forgot that."

"You didn't remember me, just what I said." I scoffed.

"Oh I remember a lot about you from all the stuff you told me." He grinned.

I rolled my eyes. "You were supposed to be a stranger I never met again, I didn't mind telling you everything. So this is like our dramatic reunion. Woo!" I said sarcastically.

"I really liked you." He said. "And I never forgot about you. It was weird when I would have a girlfriend and then out of the blue imagine what it would be like if you were around still..." He shook his head. "My girlfriends didn't like it much."

"Aww how romantic?" I laughed.

"It's not a joke!" He frowned. "You shouldn't have been so mysterious. You were so interesting."

"If it helps, I never forgot you either. You were the only person I had ever opened up to like that. I don't believe in love of any kind. Romantic, or Friendship, or even Family. I don't open up to people because then they start getting attatched and it never lasts.." I rambled on. Ronnie frowned.

"You don't believe in love?" He said, still frowning. I noded.

"I believe that people love each other. But that it never lasts. After a while the feelings go away and you've got nothing."

"Do you love me?" He asked.

I stayed silent. Did he really want to know my answer to that one? I don't believe he did. He would only want to know the answer if he wanted to be burned by a massive hateful fire.

"Ronnie I-"

"Do you love me?" He repeated.

"Right now I love you, but tomorrow who knows. Someday neither of us will love each other anymore." I said. "And it's awful to say, but it's the truth."

"You think it's the truth?" He seethed.

"Yes." I nodded. "I think it's the truth."

"So why not just fucking leave me already, I've only wasted five years wondering about you."

"I-I'm sorry." I said, tears pricking my eyes.

"I'm sorry I love you too." He said, snapping the lights off. The strange, childish part of my head laughed. We're apologizing to each other for loving each other? But the mature part hushed the childish part, saying that that's not why we're fighting right now. We're fighting because he thinks love is forever, and I don't.

I went to get out of bed, and he grabbed my arm. "No, stay. I don't want you to go."

"I think it's best if I go."

"Are you going home?" He asked.

"In the morning I might, I'm going to my bunk right now." I said, sighing.

"You haven't changed a bit since you were seventeen."

"And you've changed a lot." I shrugged. "So what?"

"If you've grown up any, just stay here tonight." He said.

"I'm never going to grow up." I shrugged. "Good night, Ronnie."

"Why the fuck are you going to leave again!? Don't leave! I hate it when you do that!"

"Well I hate it when people want me to stay. I'm not used to it."

"Get used to it, I'm going to want you to stay forever." He sighed. "Even when I'm angry at you."

"That's so cliche." I giggled a little.

"That's so completely how I feel, though." He said, hugging me to his chest. I was thankful he pulled boxers on earlier. I wonder how long we've been up arguing, because it has gotten considerably lighter outside. I heard the door open abruptly while I was in the middle of placing a kiss on Ronnie's lips.

"Bell and Ronnie are so cute." Jacky said.

"They should Get Married." Ryan said.

My eyes widened in horror as I heard Ronnie say, "Maybe one day when she figures out that I'll be the one that actually loves her forever."

"You're so whipped man." Derek shook his head, coming up behind his friends.

"He is getting laid by a porn star." Jacky grinned.

"OH!" Ryan high fived him. I rolled my eyes.

It takes a special kind of person to be a porn star. Someone who will never fall in love, because if a porn star falls in love then they are screwed. Publicly screwed. And because I will never fall in love, I think I'll be okay. I may love Ronnie right now, but to be honest I don't think it's forever. Oh fuck me, I'm way too cynical for my own good.

"Is this going to be a daily thing with you ass holes?" I growled at them.

"No, I'm sorry. Let's get out of here you guys." Ron, their bass player laughed, pulling them out of the doorway and shutting it.

Ronnie and I went back to sleep, considering we hadn't gotten much of it last night with our 'activities' or this morning with our fighting.