I'm Beating Myself Up Over This

My maneuver had to be quick. I grabbed my clothes and make up bag and ran to the bathroom.

Make up first, simple smoky eye with black eye shadow that winged out on the sides. Perfect.

Then the clothes. Black short shorts, underneath of a black and white stripped loose fitting shirt, with short sleeves, stretched out neck so it fell perfectly over my shoulders, which went to about mid thigh. I threw on my favorite brown suede mid calf high boots and I was done. The only jewelry being my everyday necklace and the bracelet Tom gave me for my birthday.

I ran to my bunk and threw my shit on it, while taking one last second to make sure my hair was perfect.

I almost made it to the door before I heard it.

“Where the hell are you going all dolled up?”

God damn it, Oli.

“The party,” I replied in a ‘duh’ tone.

“We’re not leaving for another hour,” Tom said with a confused look on his face.

“Yeah, I know. I have a date,” I said, avoiding all eye contact.

Before another word could be said I ran out the door. I knew by now if I didn’t Oli would demand the boy come over and pick me up the proper way. He was such an older brother type. I almost half expected him to run after me.

I was walking around aimlessly for a bit, trying to figure out where exactly the party was.

“Well, hello there, darlin’,” I heard a voice say. I turned around only to be face to face with Gabe. His signature smile on his face.

He held out his arm, which I took a hold of. We walked to the party, talking about nothing and anything. It was mostly him asking me questions and me answering them. I was truly excited. I hadn’t had a real date in months.

But something was tugging at my stomach. I knew deep down I’d rather be with Tom, but I needed to try and get use to the fact that he just wasn’t into me. So what if SJ was going to tell him. Maybe if I convinced her that I was over him, she wouldn’t. Maybe I was using Gabe, or maybe I really did like him.

Lies. He was a cool guy who was nice to look at, but he could never replacemy Tom.

We had been at the party for about 45 minutes before the boys showed up. I looked over and saw Tom and Oli looking at me, talking to each other. They did not look happy, at all. I turned to Gabe and asked him to dance with me.

Lil Jon’s song Low was playing, so I was defiantly showing off my dance skills. And let’s just say I could tell Gabe was enjoying it as well. After the song ended, we had a few more drinks. And by a few, I meant a few. I was barely drunk at all, where as Gabe needed substantial help walking.

He was actually really pissing me off.

He kept grabbing at me and trying to kiss me. I was totally not into this. He was making a huge scene too. I looked over at Oli and I knew my face told all. I saw him and Tom starting over.

That’s when it happened.

He kissed me, hard, on the mouth. A disgusting, sloppy, drunken kiss. I pushed him off of me just before yelling, “What the fuck is wrong with you!”

He didn’t say anything, just grabbed me and pushed me against one of the buses, kissing me again.

I was getting a little scared actually.

“You know you want me,” he whispered harshly into my ear before forcing his lips on mine again.

I’d had this happen before, in high school. I was nearly raped before Oli walked in and rescued me.

I was nearly ready to cry. He was grabbing me in places I didn’t want to be touched, and his breath felt nauseating against my skin.

Suddenly he was pulled off me, and I heard a crack that was most defiantly a fist against a jaw.

Only to my surprise it wasn’t Oli doing the punching.

It was Tom.

“Stay the fuck away from her, douche bag. Or else I’ll kick your ass everyday left on the tour.” He said with such venom in his voice. I’ve never heard him like that before.

Tears welled in my eyes, and I didn’t know if it was from the fear of what just happened, or the fact that for once it was Tom coming to the rescue and not Oli. Though I could see Oli was ready to pick up where his brother left off.

Tom grabbed my hand and dragged me back to the bus. The boys stayed put, knowing I was probably going to cry.

Boys. What is it that makes them squirm when a girl cries?

Once we got to the door, I ran to my bunk, throwing my boots off. I wasn’t crying. I was mad at myself for being so stupid.

Tom crawled in beside me and wrapped his arm around my mid section.

“Are you alright?” he asked in just above a whisper.

“I’m fine,” I said as my voice cracked.

He pulled me tighter and started to play with my hair. He buried his head into my hair and whispered ever so softly, “I promise that I will never, ever let anything hurt you. You have my word, Parker. I’ll hold you heart as though it were made of glass.”

And I believed him. Which most would say is a stupid thing to do, let a boy hold your heart.

But something about the way he said it, I could tell my heart breaking would hurt him more then me.