I'm Beating Myself Up Over This

I tend to get pissy when girls act like I have a disease because I know Oli. It's not like I like him.He's like a brother to me. Scratch that. He is a brother to me. I can tell anything to him. And he completely understands. He's the only one who know I even like someone, let alone his brother.

Besides, if anyone should be annoyed with how he is towards me, it's his girlfriend SJ. But she loves me to death, she knows about my past and how Oli and my surrogate brother. SJ knows how I feel towards Tom as well. Only because Oli had to spill to someone. Jerk.

So of course we're close. But I'm not into him. That'd be weird. And none of these little bitches get it. Except the cool fans, who come up to me and talk to me and ask me questions about myself, not the band. Those are the ones I like.

Sadly though, tonight was just one of those nights where I get more obsessive fans then cool ones. I'm sitting at the merch table which is in perfect view of the boys. Which I'm glad, I hate missing their set. Tom is off taking pictures of them performing. And I have some snotty bitch giving me attitude. So I'm giving it right back.

Oli would be hysterical. Tom probably would be too, unless he was taking pictures. He tends to zone out. But sadly I'm by myself and ready to explode.

Just when I think I'm about to freak out, the band stops playing, saying goodnight and thank you, and Tom starts to head over. Thank god.

"You look about ready to flip your lid," he said with a smirk. That god damn smirk.

"I am, problem?" I said with quite a bit of attitude.
He just laughed.

I hated when they did that. Him and Oli. When I was sour they'd laugh at me. But when I was pissed off, they knew to steer clear.
I sat there the rest of the night shooting the shit with Tom until it was time to leave. Oli was spending the night at Lee's along with Mat, their drummer and the other Matt, their bassist.
After helping put their shit in their trunks, Tom and I headed to my car. I was damn tired and pissy so I let him drive.

The ride home was silent, as it usually is. Tom likes to concentrate when he's in the car after his accident last year, and I wasn't much in the mood for talk either.
Though I loved the silence sometimes, lately it's been horrid. All I can think about is him. For example, right now I was thinking about how he's far too nice to me. If I were him I would have stopped being my friend long ago. I tend to pick fights with him for no reason other then I'm terribly pissed.

So as we got out of the car, and started up to our bedrooms while his parents slept soundly, I leaned into him and buried my head in his chest. I could almost see the smile on his face threw the darkness.

"I take it you're spending the night in my room then, aye?" he said. I can hear that fucking smirk in his voice.

"If you don't mind," I said, knowing full well he didn't.

Most people would think his parents would be furious. But his father was so oblivious and his mother knew that neither of would do anything of the sort. I know she knows about my crush, but neither one of us has said a word to each other about it. Though I can tell from the smiles she gives whenever my face lights up around him. Mother's intuition.

So I take off my hoodie first, throwing it across the room as usual. Then my shoes and pants. Usually he offers me a pair of his shorts, or boxers. But tonight he's so beat he's practically passed out in his bed, and I'm so frustrated I could care less.

So I climb into his bed underneath the covers, and he immediately climbs under with me, wrapping his arms around me.

I can feel my heart beating a million miles a second. His breath on my ear. I can feel the shivers going down my spine.

"Not too mad, are you?" he whispers. God, I think I'm getting excited, if you catch me.

"Aggravated is all." I said back in a low voice.

He snuggled in closer to me, and sighed. He would be asleep in seconds. So I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep to come as soon as possible.

The next morning, I woke up extra early, careful not to wake up Tom as I got out of bed. I ran to my room and changed into a new pair of straight legged jeans and a cute fashion top. Oli always made fun of how SJ and I liked to dress in the latest fasions. And we made fun of Oli's childish ways.

I threw on a pair of flats and grabbed a hoodie as I ran down the stairs.
His mum had a breakfast bar already in her hand, with a sad smile on her face. I smiled back with the same smile and rushed out the door, grabbing the bar on the way.

I decided to walk. It wasn't too far, and I wasn't particularly in the mood to drive where I was going. Walking would give me time to try and calm myself before I got there.

After a brisk twenty minute walk I arrived at a run down flat building. I pressed number four and waited for the buzzer. I slowly walked up the flight of stairs and headed to door four. I stood outside it for a good few minutes before I gathered my wits and knocked, knowing full well all I would get in return was a muffled, "It's open."

And there she was. The one person I hated to see, but felt as though I should. She was lying on the floor, eyes half open with a needle sticking out of her arm. Heroine.

"Mum." I said, in a quite tone.

"Oh, my sweet darling girl," she said, eyes still half open and glazed. She had a goofy smile on her face. "You've come to see me again."

She sounded so excited. I felt sick.

"I just dropped by to give you this." I said, pulling out an envelope I thankfully put in my hoodie last night so I wouldn't forget. It had about a thousand pounds in it. I came by every so often to give her money, and to make sure she was still alive. She nodded and passed out before I could even say goodbye. I turned on my heel and left.

I hated telling the boys about it, because they would try to stop me. But they always knew when I came back I had been there, because my eyes would be puffy from crying and the tear stains would still be on my cheeks.

And of course, by the time I had gotten back mum and dad Sykes had left for the day, and Oli was back sitting on the couch with Tom, as usual.
And of course, as soon as I walked in Oli jumped up into protective mode when he saw my face and embraced me in the tightest hug, as usual.
And of course, I wished it was Tom.
But Tom was silent and patient. When Oli let go, he'd pat the seat next to him, in which I would collapse and he would wrap his arms around me and hug me until I was done crying.