I'm Beating Myself Up Over This

If you didn’t know SJ like I did, shopping with her was… an experience. That’s a good word for it. She would rush around a store in less then 10 minutes, pick out everything she liked, and I mean everything, and then would try it all on. Out of about fifteen to twenty outfits, she’d pick about three.

But, since I’ve known her, it’s how I’ve come to shop too. So as we’re trying out about our tenth outfit, I hear from the other fitting room “I swear, Parker, you’re so weird sometimes.”

“Uhm, thanks?” I asked more then stated.

“You’re so open and honest about everything. You told me your whole life story the first time I ever met you. You don’t care what people think of you and you talk loudly and say what you feel. But you can’t seem to just tell him you’re so obviously in love with him.”

And she was right. I’ve never had a problem telling someone how I felt before. I never had a problem letting my feelings be known. But this was the first time I ever really felt this way, and it scared the hell out of me.

I mean, sure, I’ve had boyfriends. Quite a bit. But I never loved them. I mean, I’d say I did, but I knew I never meant it. I said it because I felt bad when they said it to me. But we were young, teenagers. And you can’t love someone after just a month or two. I know that.

But this is thirteen years we’re talking about now. And you can know after awhile if it’s love. And for me, it is. He makes me nervous just being near him. I can say what I want, but I’m always afraid it’ll be the wrong thing.

So as we’re paying for what we picked out, and head off to the food court, I make an announcement that will surely make or break me.

“SJ, if I don’t admit to him by the end of the tour how I feel, you can tell him for me.”

Her mouth was open slightly in shock. “Are you serious?”

She had been threatening to tell him for months now.

“Yea, I’m serious.”
All she did was smirk.

When we got back to the house, SJ ran straight to Oli’s room. And after I set my bags in my room, I headed for Tom’s. He was sitting on his couch playing Dreamcast. Who play’s that, seriously?

“Hey, how was shopping,” he asked without looking up.

“An adventure, as usual” I said sitting next to him.

He laughed a bit and concentrated on his game.
As I sat there watching him play some stupid game I don’t care to know the name of, I realized something. He could be doing nothing at all, and I’m still thrilled to be with him.
God, this is difficult.

“So I heard Oli talking to mum about some guy you fancy.” He said out of the blue.
I swear to God, my heart stopped.

“What?” I said in an annoyed tone. Oliver needs to learn to keep his God damn mouth shut.

“Yea, he said something about how it’s so weird you wouldn’t just tell him.”
I groaned, and he looked at me.

“So, who is he?” he asked. I swear, if my heart wasn’t in worse enough condition.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” I said.

“It’s not nothing, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not go right up to a guy you fancy and ask him out on the spot. This guy must be something amazing.” He said.

Did I just see sadness and jealousy in his eyes? Or am hallucinating?

“Really it’s no one, don’t worry about it.” I said in a ton to drop the subject.

He shrugged and said, “All I’m saying is, any guy would be lucky to have you, so I don’t see why you wont just tell him. I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy that said no to you.”

I wanted to cry. He’s just so sweet. Why can’t he be a jackass like his brother is most of the time? But then again, his brother is just the sweetest boy when he’s around me and SJ. Yet another thing that runs in the family.

“I’ll think about it.” I said getting up.

“Where are you going?” he asked me.

“For a walk, want to come?”

“Sure.”

Twenty minutes later, we were sitting along the side of an empty road, a beautiful scene behind us. Just rolling hills and bright green grass.

I feel I should forewarn you, I have nicknames for my boys. Oli’s is Lollipop or Lolli for short. For no reason other then it rhymes. And Tom’s is Teddy Bear. I usually call him either Teddy or Bear though. That one has a reason. When we were younger, and we’d share a bed, I’d hug him close like my teddy bear, cause he was so soft and comfortable. And still is.

“Teddy, it’s so weird, I really like this guy, but I have no idea what to do. He’s a friend, really, and I’m scared if I say something it’ll ruin everything we have.” I said with a sad sigh.

“Well, you should tell him. But when you’re ready, not when everyone else tells you. You’ll know exactly when the right time is, and hopefully, he’ll feel the same to you. I don’t think anyone could not love you, Kay.” He said. He calls me Kay sometimes because, well, the kay in my name can sound so rough. Kay and Pee are his nicknames for me.

Oli just calls me “little”, cause I’m 5’1 and 97 pounds. What an arse.
SJ calls me Minnie, for the aforementioned reason.
The rest of the guys call me Parker, or Pee.

“Come on, it’s going to rain.” He said getting up and helping me to my feet.
We practically ran the whole way home, my mind racing.
We made it just before the storm.