I'm Beating Myself Up Over This
Chapter 9
June had come and past and it was now the beginning of July. I was getting really excited since we would be on Warped Tour at the end of the month. But at the same time, I only had till August to tell him how I felt since I had stupidly given SJ permission to if I had chickened out.
God was I an idiot.
I was sitting on the bus in shorts and a tank top, texting away on my sidekick to SJ. She was going on about some photo shoot where the photographer was being a dick. I was trying not to laugh as she said that she wanted to shove her high heel up his ass.
The boys were off doing an interview, and Tom went with them to make sure they weren’t acting like asses. Though, they probably were anyway.
My phone started ringing, so I looked at the caller ID.
Carol.
Why was Mrs. Sykes calling me? I just called her yesterday for an update.
“Hello?”
“Oh Parker, honey, I’m so glad you answered. I’m afraid I have some terrible news.”
Her voice was extremely sad, as if she had just been crying. My stomach started turning into knots. Was it Mr. Sykes? Has he gotten hurt? Was it Emma, Matt N’s sister? My mind was racing so fast I didn’t even hear what she said.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s your mother. You need to come home.”
I didn’t even bother packing. I did have a lot of my clothes with me, but I still had some things back at home. I wrote a note for the boys, not even bothering to call. It didn’t say much; just that there was an emergency and I had to go home for a few days. I’d call when I found out exactly what was going on. I didn’t even pack a carry on, just bringing my purse. I made sure I had my wallet, my iPod, my phone, and anything else I would defiantly need. I grabbed my laptop, throwing it in its case, and ran out the door. I had called for a ticket on the next flight to England.
The plane ride was excruciating. The whole time I was panicky. I think I fell asleep for a little while, which is a good thing since I knew I wouldn’t be getting any once I got home. I turned on my phone when I got off the plane. Boy, those boys can really blow someone’s phone up. I had about 2 missed calls apiece from both of the Matts, Curtis, and Lee, but good God, 30 from Oli and 27 from Tom.
Normally I’d call back as soon as I noticed, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. Not even my boys.
SJ was waiting for me when I got out of the gate. We didn’t speak a word when we were going to the car. The ride home was totally silent. It wasn’t an awkward silence. I knew SJ probably didn’t want to tell me what was wrong, and I didn’t want her to be the one to tell me. It was a mutual understanding.
When we pulled up to the house I paid close attention to SJ’s face. I’d be able to tell just how bad it is from her expression. And the look she had was not giving me any hope.
I walked into the house and was immediately met with Carol’s sad face. She pulled me into a hug before I could process what was happening.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from cracking. She let go and looked me in the eyes.
“Your mom is in the hospital.”
This wasn’t the first time. But for some reason, this time was different. I went up to my room and grabbed me keys. After telling them I was headed to the hospital, I left.
The drive was obnoxiously quiet. Part of me was wishing that I had told Oliver and Tom before I left, but part of me was glad that I didn’t. I didn’t know how this was going to end up, and as much as they love taking care of me, I hate being emotional in front of people.
While I was driving, I couldn’t help but think of my mom. I obviously didn’t get along with her. I was barely ever home once I turned 10. I was always with the boys at their house or out walking around. But even before then I didn’t really talk to her much. There was no mother daughter relationship. Her drug use ruined any chance of it from the time I was born. My brothers had to take care of me till I started to learn to take care of myself.
But she was still my mom. She still gave birth to me. She could have had an abortion like her parents where trying to get her to, instead of bringing me into this world with all the problems I have no due to her using while pregnant. She still went against everything everyone was saying and had me, because I didn’t do anything wrong. She did. And she shouldn’t punish an unborn child for her mistakes. And even though I couldn’t really respect her for anything else, I could respect her for that. And I did. And even though I couldn’t be around her, I still loved her. She’s my mother.
I parked in the visitor section and walked to the entrance. I was almost scared to find out what was going on now. I went up to the desk and spoke to the receptionist.
“I’m here to see Alice Cassidy.” I said,
She looked at the computer for a second then said, “Room 206.”
I walked down the hall for a bit. The numbers started at 255 so I had a ways to go. I was getting rather nervous. Normally when she’d wind up here, Carol or Ian would just say, “Your mum’s in the hospital,” for whatever reason and, “She’ll be out in a few days.”
When I got to the door, the doctor was standing outside. He noticed me and said, “I’m assuming you’re Parker, her daughter?”
“Yes. Can I ask what’s going on?” I said a little nervous.
“Your mother over dosed on heroine. We were able to stabilize her, but unfortunately due to her long term drug use, her heart was much weakened by it. If she doesn’t get a transplant, she won’t make it. Sadly, she isn’t able to get one, because of the drugs. We’re not sure how long she has, maybe a few days, maybe a few hours.” He said with a sad face.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I went into the room to see her fast asleep. She was hooked up to so many machines; I almost couldn’t look at her. I sat to her left and grabbed her hand. A nurse came in to check her vitals and said something about her being sedated. I wasn’t surprised. I got my fear and hatred of hospitals from her.
I sat there all night. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for a bit. My phone was probably blown up even more then when I got off the plane, but I had it on silent. I knew I was worrying them; I’d never been this distant before. But for some reason I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want them to see me so broken and open, especially when it came to my mother.
I opened my eyes from a restless sleep, which was probably only about an hour long, to a loud noise. It took me a few seconds to realize what it was. My mother’s heart monitor. And she was flat lining.
I ran to the nurses’ station. As soon as I got there I said, in a panic, “You have to come quick, my mum, she’s flat lining.”
She picked up a microphone and then said there was a code red in my mother’s room number. I stood outside, unable to do anything but watch. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face before I knew what was happening. They were in there for a good twenty minutes before it was over. They left her room and went on as if it was routine. Though, it probably was for them.
I left the hospital in a daze. What had just happened? I drove home, bawling my eyes out the whole way.
I got back to the house and walked straight up to my room without saying a word. The looks on Carol and Ian’s faces said they were worried.
I opened my bedroom door and sat on my bed. I was trying to digest what had happened. I knew that my mother had flat lined on over-doses before, but this time was different, and not just because I had been there to see it.
I picked up my phone and dialed a number I knew all too well.
“Lovie, what’s wrong? Where have you been? We’re worried sick. Why didn’t you answer?” Tom said in a panic.
“Tom,” I croaked my voice harsh from crying.
“Parker, what’s wrong?” he asked, worried.
“My mum just died.”
God was I an idiot.
I was sitting on the bus in shorts and a tank top, texting away on my sidekick to SJ. She was going on about some photo shoot where the photographer was being a dick. I was trying not to laugh as she said that she wanted to shove her high heel up his ass.
The boys were off doing an interview, and Tom went with them to make sure they weren’t acting like asses. Though, they probably were anyway.
My phone started ringing, so I looked at the caller ID.
Carol.
Why was Mrs. Sykes calling me? I just called her yesterday for an update.
“Hello?”
“Oh Parker, honey, I’m so glad you answered. I’m afraid I have some terrible news.”
Her voice was extremely sad, as if she had just been crying. My stomach started turning into knots. Was it Mr. Sykes? Has he gotten hurt? Was it Emma, Matt N’s sister? My mind was racing so fast I didn’t even hear what she said.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s your mother. You need to come home.”
I didn’t even bother packing. I did have a lot of my clothes with me, but I still had some things back at home. I wrote a note for the boys, not even bothering to call. It didn’t say much; just that there was an emergency and I had to go home for a few days. I’d call when I found out exactly what was going on. I didn’t even pack a carry on, just bringing my purse. I made sure I had my wallet, my iPod, my phone, and anything else I would defiantly need. I grabbed my laptop, throwing it in its case, and ran out the door. I had called for a ticket on the next flight to England.
The plane ride was excruciating. The whole time I was panicky. I think I fell asleep for a little while, which is a good thing since I knew I wouldn’t be getting any once I got home. I turned on my phone when I got off the plane. Boy, those boys can really blow someone’s phone up. I had about 2 missed calls apiece from both of the Matts, Curtis, and Lee, but good God, 30 from Oli and 27 from Tom.
Normally I’d call back as soon as I noticed, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. Not even my boys.
SJ was waiting for me when I got out of the gate. We didn’t speak a word when we were going to the car. The ride home was totally silent. It wasn’t an awkward silence. I knew SJ probably didn’t want to tell me what was wrong, and I didn’t want her to be the one to tell me. It was a mutual understanding.
When we pulled up to the house I paid close attention to SJ’s face. I’d be able to tell just how bad it is from her expression. And the look she had was not giving me any hope.
I walked into the house and was immediately met with Carol’s sad face. She pulled me into a hug before I could process what was happening.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from cracking. She let go and looked me in the eyes.
“Your mom is in the hospital.”
This wasn’t the first time. But for some reason, this time was different. I went up to my room and grabbed me keys. After telling them I was headed to the hospital, I left.
The drive was obnoxiously quiet. Part of me was wishing that I had told Oliver and Tom before I left, but part of me was glad that I didn’t. I didn’t know how this was going to end up, and as much as they love taking care of me, I hate being emotional in front of people.
While I was driving, I couldn’t help but think of my mom. I obviously didn’t get along with her. I was barely ever home once I turned 10. I was always with the boys at their house or out walking around. But even before then I didn’t really talk to her much. There was no mother daughter relationship. Her drug use ruined any chance of it from the time I was born. My brothers had to take care of me till I started to learn to take care of myself.
But she was still my mom. She still gave birth to me. She could have had an abortion like her parents where trying to get her to, instead of bringing me into this world with all the problems I have no due to her using while pregnant. She still went against everything everyone was saying and had me, because I didn’t do anything wrong. She did. And she shouldn’t punish an unborn child for her mistakes. And even though I couldn’t really respect her for anything else, I could respect her for that. And I did. And even though I couldn’t be around her, I still loved her. She’s my mother.
I parked in the visitor section and walked to the entrance. I was almost scared to find out what was going on now. I went up to the desk and spoke to the receptionist.
“I’m here to see Alice Cassidy.” I said,
She looked at the computer for a second then said, “Room 206.”
I walked down the hall for a bit. The numbers started at 255 so I had a ways to go. I was getting rather nervous. Normally when she’d wind up here, Carol or Ian would just say, “Your mum’s in the hospital,” for whatever reason and, “She’ll be out in a few days.”
When I got to the door, the doctor was standing outside. He noticed me and said, “I’m assuming you’re Parker, her daughter?”
“Yes. Can I ask what’s going on?” I said a little nervous.
“Your mother over dosed on heroine. We were able to stabilize her, but unfortunately due to her long term drug use, her heart was much weakened by it. If she doesn’t get a transplant, she won’t make it. Sadly, she isn’t able to get one, because of the drugs. We’re not sure how long she has, maybe a few days, maybe a few hours.” He said with a sad face.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I went into the room to see her fast asleep. She was hooked up to so many machines; I almost couldn’t look at her. I sat to her left and grabbed her hand. A nurse came in to check her vitals and said something about her being sedated. I wasn’t surprised. I got my fear and hatred of hospitals from her.
I sat there all night. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for a bit. My phone was probably blown up even more then when I got off the plane, but I had it on silent. I knew I was worrying them; I’d never been this distant before. But for some reason I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want them to see me so broken and open, especially when it came to my mother.
I opened my eyes from a restless sleep, which was probably only about an hour long, to a loud noise. It took me a few seconds to realize what it was. My mother’s heart monitor. And she was flat lining.
I ran to the nurses’ station. As soon as I got there I said, in a panic, “You have to come quick, my mum, she’s flat lining.”
She picked up a microphone and then said there was a code red in my mother’s room number. I stood outside, unable to do anything but watch. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face before I knew what was happening. They were in there for a good twenty minutes before it was over. They left her room and went on as if it was routine. Though, it probably was for them.
I left the hospital in a daze. What had just happened? I drove home, bawling my eyes out the whole way.
I got back to the house and walked straight up to my room without saying a word. The looks on Carol and Ian’s faces said they were worried.
I opened my bedroom door and sat on my bed. I was trying to digest what had happened. I knew that my mother had flat lined on over-doses before, but this time was different, and not just because I had been there to see it.
I picked up my phone and dialed a number I knew all too well.
“Lovie, what’s wrong? Where have you been? We’re worried sick. Why didn’t you answer?” Tom said in a panic.
“Tom,” I croaked my voice harsh from crying.
“Parker, what’s wrong?” he asked, worried.
“My mum just died.”
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