Under the Waves

It seemed for months now Harlow could only wander along the halls in the safety of her own apartment. It was here in the apartment she was protected from the outside world. She was protected from him. The very thought of him sent shivers up her spine and she refused to allow her mind to go back to the moment where he inevitably ruined her.

Days like this Harlow didn’t know what to do with herself. There was too much going on for her to maintain her once calm façade. The burden of what happened that night had scarred her permanently, causing her to feel as if her home would be the only place she could hide from. But she was wrong, the reminder was everywhere. Feeling as though there was too much sunlight being exposed, her slender hands hurriedly closed the lavender curtains and blocked out any signs of life from the outside. She didn’t like the sun shining down on her, it made her feel…exposed.

Looking around the room, she felts as if everything was cluttered or messy. This made her feel uneasy as she quickly rearranged random items to make them seem for more fit. She dusted the kitchen table and even dusted the fake red tulips resting in a glass vase. Typically to anyone else who had seen the room, they would’ve perhaps thought the apartment looked fine. But to Harlow, it was a disaster, a complete and utter disaster. Just like her.

It took every ounce of her to convince herself the place looked in order. She felt a tiny moment of peace until the smell of cigarettes had somehow rafted from the nearby vents, her skin began to break out in goose bumps. It was happening again.

She tried to steady her breathing but it do no good as her heart began to beat faster. The hair on the back of her neck had stuck up and the inevitable tears began to threaten the corners of her eyelids. He was here, she could feel it. She looked around the room and saw no one but herself, yet it felt like he was there beside her, waiting to hurt her again.

She smiled as she stepped outside the confinements of her job and into the warm Summer weather. It was only July which meant it was not too hot outside, but just the right temperature to be outside. It was one of things she always loved since she was a little girl. Her feet began to walk along the sidewalk as she took in her surroundings of the busy city. People scurried around her as if being chased by a monster. Little kids yelled and played while their parents attempted to calm them down. There was so much detail in one place, it put her at ease when she figured there was enough to look at besides her. She never really liked to be noticed in the first place.

She cut down the usual corner that made it easier for her to reach home, it just seemed more convenient. The rundown soles on her shoes had made her feet begin to swell slightly, she was grateful for any way to get her home as soon as possible. She had anticipated a hot bath when she reached her apartment, followed by comfy sweats and a Glee Marathon.

What she didn’t expect was the rough pair of hands that had suddenly reached out and grabbed her arms, yanking her backwards as she screamed, only to be silenced by the same hand covering her mouth.

“Shh, don’t say a word princess.”

She closed her eyes as she bit her lip and her hands had turn into fists.

She protested under his grip, but the voice only laughed at her weak attempts to break free.

“Don’t fight me sweetheart, you’ll only make it worse.” the gruff voice told her as she felt her body being dragged further down the alley and away from civilization. Her hands and feet kicked out, desperate for any movement that could help her escape, but she never was that strong to begin with. She let out a pained cry when her head slammed against the brick wall, causing her vision to temporarily go blurry. When she regained her senses, she could feel the same hands start ripping at her clothes where she screamed.

“Shut up!” the voice yelled at her before his hand had reached up to only fall hard down against her cheek as she whimpered from the sting. It all seemed to rush by her so fast as he forced her to the cold wet floor and yanked her skirt up, ripping her underwear in the process and the sound of a zipper becoming undone had made her freeze.

With a last attempt to escape, she kicked all her might and clawed at the man’s face, resulting in him growling in her.

“You want to play it that way bitch? Then let’s play.” he threatened her before he suddenly slammed his waiting member into her area as she yelped painfully. The burning sensation had brought tears to her eyes as she gasped in horror and shock.

Harlow shook her head as the tears began to fall down her lightly tanned cheeks and she could feel the bile rapidly rising in her throat.

“Aww sugar, you’re one tight cookie. Feels so damn good.” the man groaned as he thrust in and out of her harshly while Harlow only cried and prayed he would stop soon. She could not believe the sight before her and how cruel this stranger was to her. Her body felt violated in the worst way as his scent burned her nose. Her fingernails scraped across the rough and worn down cement while he began to thrust harder and faster, pushing past her limits.

Her fingernails dug into her arms creating half moons that slightly began to bleed while she tried to shake the thoughts away, the dirty feeling coming over her again.

With one final thrust, the man shot his load inside of her while panting heavily. He groaned when his orgasm had passed and Harlow lay frozen on the ground, too afraid and shocked to move or say anything. The man smirked as he wiped his limp member on her face before laughing.

“Thanks for the ride sugar, see you around.” was all he said before fixed his jeans and walked off without another word, the girl remaining stiff on the ground. Tears had slowly leaked down her cheeks as her body remained lifeless, she feared she was paralyzed on the ground as she could only turn her head, her eyes fixated on back of the abandoned building where the number 81 was all she could see.

“Stop it!” she yelled to herself as her hands pulled at her hair and the aching in heart had started up again. She scratched at her skin feeling the invisible grime spreading over body just as did that one day.

Harlow slipped into her apartment while her mind remained lost in a trance. She was surprised she had found the power to move off the ground and walk back home. Since there was no sign of someone coming to rescue her, she knew she would have to take care of herself. She sniffled as the alley seemed even more quiet than before. Her body shook as she pulled down her skirt and noticed the stream of crimson running down her leg. She took off her sweater unsteadily and used the material to wipe away the blood. Instead of taking it, she dropped the sweater on the floor and only exhaled slowly before walking home.

The sound of water running had brought a moment of solace as she undressed from her stained and filthy clothes. She dropped them in a pile and her reflection stared back at her. Her usually brown glossy eyes now seemed dull and lifeless. Her skin was pale and the red mark on her cheek still stung when she touched it. Harlow didn’t recognize the girl looking back at her. She turned her head to the water which had now filled up the tub and slowly Harlow stepped into the hot water. The steam burned her skin, but Harlow didn’t mind. She fully stepped into the water before the sensation rose in her throat and it was then she let out a scream. Her body slid further into the tub until she was fully submerged under the bubbles and the world around her was shut out. Her fingers swirled in the water, creating waves that rumbled in her ears as Harlow closed her eyes, the waves blocking out the pain, and in that moment she wished could stay there forever.

Harlow clutched her heart and was sure she was having a heart attack as she fell to the floor and began to rock back and forth. The reminder was terrifying to have to relive over and over. Even though it seemed like such a long time ago, it felt very fresh to her. It was a wound she could not lick away, it was there forever and Harlow was well aware of this. She had not seen the man since, but it still felt like he was there watching her every move.

She closed her eyes and imagined she was at her favorite place. The wind was blowing gently and she dug her toes into the warm golden sand, the waves rumbling as they crashed on the shore. A smile was spread across her face as there was no other place she’d rather be. Many people did not know that once upon a time Harlow had not had a care in the world, sailing the deep and tranquil seas.

“But he washed me ashore.” she whispered to herself. “He took my pearl…and left and empty shell of me.” she finished. He had robbed her of one thing she could never replace. Stripped her of the one thing she truly cherished about herself, all gone in one instant.

“No matter I could do, it’ll never go away…I’m tired of getting my hopes up for something that’ll never happen.” she whispered once more.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but was that always the case? Harlow has lost count of how many time she asked herself this question.

It seemed like forever that she sat in that one particular spot, eventually she had gotten up off the floor, the itching still gently nagging her. She walked to the bathroom and turned the water switch on, placing the plug in the tub and watching the water slowly rise. Harlow had wished that tub would turn into an ocean, but the thought seemed a bit silly. She didn’t bother to undress as she stepped into the tub fully clothed.

She felt like a little kid that created in imaginary world to escape the real one. The world where there was problems and cruel people.

The water had filled to the brim and her slender hand reached over to touch the faucet. She was happy that the smell of cigarettes had disappeared, which meant so did he. What she wouldn’t give to have more moments of these, where she felt…normal again.

“Is that why they call me a sullen girl?” she thought to herself. The urge had come again and slowly Harlow slid under the tub, where a small smile spread across her face. Feeling rather content in the water, she sank further in, the sleeping pills she had taken earlier before hand were now kicking in. Her body felt weightless and calm as she closed her eyes and allowed the sleep to take over her mind, her body now submerged under the water. Harlow did not feel ashamed, but rather she felt relief.

For now she could rest. Forever under the waves.

Days like these I don’t know what do with myself
All day, and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath I say to myself
“I need fuel to take flight”

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl? A sullen girl
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil seas
But he washed me ashore
And he took my pearl
And left an empty
Shell of me

And there’s too much going on
But it’s calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.