Breaking the Rules

This was one the mornings you don’t want to wake up to. The boys and I had a great time the other night, but that’s beside the point.

Today I’m meeting my mom at my brother and father’s graves. Yeah, their graves. They died four years ago today. Great fourteenth birthday present.

It’s why my mom is so engrossed with work. It’s why I don’t have a manly base. It’s why my mom can’t stand the hats Nathan wears. It’s also why I’m okay with the boys breaking my walls.

After they died, I decided that I wasn’t going to feel any hurt ever again. Hurt of any sort. I had heard stories of terrible break ups and knew I wasn’t going to be part of that. I saw bullies around school and knew I wasn’t going to be a victim. I heard and saw friends fighting and dropped all of mine.

So I’ve been real lonely the past four years. My brother and I were always together. He was two years older and protected me from everything. When I was four, it was the monsters under the bed. When I was six, it was bugs. When I was eight, it was the opposing team of that weekend's sport. When I was twelve, it was any boy walking my way.

The both of them died in a car accident. Worse part is, it was a hit and run. We still have no clue on who killed them.

“Ready?” I quietly ask my mom once we pull up to the cemetery. She nods and we exit the car. At the front, we join hands and quietly make it over to their graves.

I have the flowers for my brother, Andrew, so I go to him first. I sit directly next to the tombstone and rest my head on it. I would speak, but if I try I think I would cry.

Why can’t you be here, Andrew? I miss you. I really wish I could see you. At least once and a while.

How’ve ya been? I’m fine up here, living and stuff. We’ve got a promising new band at AR. Can I tell you something EXTREMLY secret? …I’m in love with one of them.

I know what you’re thinking, “Shut up Charlie. That’s nonsense.” But it’s not. I realized roughly four days ago. I figured it was time to accept that I don’t like being lonely.

Other than that, not much. Everyday just the same as the last. Someday might be different. Just as soon as I stop mourning all the time, different will come.

I’ll see you later.

I lean forward and kiss the tombstone, then stand up and walk away. I see my mom look up with glassy eyes and knows I want to talk with dad.

I do the same thing I did with my brother, leaving out stuff about Nathan alone and replacing it with things about each of them.

My mom has already made her way back to the car. I hop in and notice I forgot something.

“One sec,” I say grabbing a hat that I designed and rushing to Andrew. I stuff the flat part into the ground and whisper that I designed it for him. Then I go back to the car and we leave.

I slowly walk with my face down to the elevator. I know the boys are going to ask what’s up, so I have to decide if I want to tell them or not.

I pick neither, I’ll just wait and see what happens. Luckily, the boys are not out, or about. I can make it to my room secretly.

I curl up into a ball and cry. And cry, and cry, and cry. The hurt in my heart is unexplainable. It’s like Humpty Dumpty, it’ll never be back together again. It’s severely damaged. Somehow, between thinking of what used to be and what is, I fall asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Charlie? Charlie? Hey honey, are you alright?” my brother says to me, taking me away from sleep.

“Charlie? What’s wrong?” he says. This time I realize it’s not my brother, it doesn’t sound like him at all. The man touches me and my eyes shoot open. I jump so far back I feel the edge of the bed on my back. I look at the man – men – and see Nathan and Tom standing there. I relax and push my face into the pillow.

“Charlie. Hey, what’s up?” Tom asks gently, rubbing my back.

“Nothing,” I mumble into the pillow.

“What?” Nathan asks.

“Nothing,” I say only a little bit louder.

“I don’t think you’re telling the truth,” Tom states. I sigh and roll to my back, then push myself into a sitting position.

“Charlie, why are you upset?” Nathan asks cautiously, but earnestly.

“Today is the 16th of April,” I say, struggling to keep my voice even. It is why I’m upset.

“That is true, but that means nothing to us,” Nathan says glancing between him and Tom.

“Tod- Four years- Dad an- Andr- I- I can’t take it!” I shout after finally finding a few words.

“What?” Tom asks. I start crying and immediately hide my face in between my knees.

“Charlie no! Charlie it’s okay! Don’t cry!” Tom says wrapping his arms around me. I cry harder and harder. Tom covers my ears and says something to Nathan. He really didn’t have to plug my ears, I wouldn’t be able to hear him over my sobs anyway.

Tom slowly calms me down enough that I’m aware of the things around me. For instance, Nath has left. The door opens and Max walks through. Why Max?

“Charlie, sweetie. I’m leaving you with the pro,” Tom softly whispers in my ear. He removes his arms and stands up next to Max. They whisper for a second as I start crying again.

“Charlie, honey, it’s alright. You’ll be fine, it’s all going to be okay,” Max whispers, never stopping. He just keeps on telling me that I’m okay and that everything is alright. Don’t they ever realize that’s is not alright?

Approximately ten minutes later, he turns to singing. Some song about strength and another about a soldier. I gotta hand it to him, he got me to stop crying. Now I have to explain…