Sunshine In My Veins

I woke to the shrill sound of my alarm clock. I was actually looking forward to today; this could possibly be the start of a new relationship. My first relationship.

I felt that familiar flutter of excitement that I’d experienced so many times since I met Brendon. I actually sprung, well, staggered out of bed, meaning I had plenty of time to get ready.

I ran downstairs first, grabbing a cereal bar and checking my brother was still alive then I made my way towards the bathroom, still half-asleep and turned on the shower.

“Oh god” I sighed in despair at my reflection, running my hands through my dishevelled bed-hair. My eyeliner had left tracks down my face and my eyes were still red from last night. Today was going to be hard, but I could do it, for him I could do it.

I stepped into the shower; I’d kind of accepted my sexuality now, and I’d definitely accepted that I wanted Brendon, his big chocolate brown eyes framed with long delicate eyelashes, I could still remember the soft feel of his full lips brushing against mine.

Oh God, why did I run?

I mentally kicked myself for being so stupid, thinking I was straight all these years just because of my stupid brother. I finished showering, taking care with my hair, leaving the conditioner in for 5 minutes and everything, I wanted to look good today, I needed confidence.

Getting ready took half the time it usually does when I was actually excited about getting to school. I took time with my eyeliner, picking my clothes carefully, black skinnies, converse and a Fall Out Boy shirt. I decided to set off early, to give me time to mentally prepare myself. I grabbed my bag and ran towards the front door.

“Bye Brent” I kicked him on my way out, just to be certain that he was indeed still breathing and would be regaining consciousness sometime today, he grunted in response, still lying face down on the floor.

On opening the door I was blinded by dazzling rays of sunlight, I could feel myself sweating already under my Fall Out Boy shirt. Brendon likes Fall Out Boy. I giggled like a little girl at the mention of his name. Well, the mention of his name inside my head. Oh God I was sad.

I plugged in my earphones, blasting MCR before wrestling with the gate on my way out.

I could feel the excitement brewing inside of me. I was going to have a boyfriend. A real boyfriend!

Walking to school that morning was pleasant. I had my earphones in, bag (that Brendon liked!) slung over one shoulder, I could feel the sun burning my pale skin. I had a good feeling about today. As I neared the school gates I could already see him, talking to someone. Oh God, he was beautiful. He was wearing a dark blue shirt, dark skinnies and worn out black converse.

The sunlight bounced off his chocolate brown eyes, eyes I’d seen filled with hurt just yesterday. I couldn’t wait to talk to him again, to hear that beautiful smooth velvet voice of his. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, so see his infectious smile light up his face. I couldn’t wait to kiss him again, properly this time, not a rushed attempt, ending with me freaking and running out of his house.

I looked around, Spencer wasn’t here yet, or at least I couldn’t see him.
I’d have to do it now.

I started walking towards him, he wasn’t looking in my direction, he was deep in conversation with Dan. I put my head down, letting my bangs fall further over my left eye. I saw Dan, he looked right at me and said something to Brendon, who walked towards the school. I began following him but stopped, feeling a hand on my shoulder. I spun round to reveal Dan, a cold look in his icy blue eyes.

“Ryan right?” He asked me.

“Yes” I glared at him, annoyed at the fact that his hand was still firmly placed upon my
shoulder.

“Brendon wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry about yesterday”

“No, it’s –“ He interrupted me. Rudely.

“He said it didn’t mean anything to him, I think he just felt sorry for you to be honest, and he’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to him again”

I felt my heart drop.

I’d only known him for a day, how was I so attached to him!?

“o-okay” I stuttered, I wasn’t prepared to cry in front of him. He started talking but I walked away, hurriedly making my way towards school. I ran towards the toilets near the English room, luckily remembering where they were. I ran inside a cubical, leaning against the door, tears flowing down my cheeks.

Wiping my eyes I thought over again how stupid I was. I sat down on the floor; I hadn’t been in there 5 minutes when I saw two pairs of converse enter, the first pair black and worn, the others red and slightly newer. I then heard those voices of the boys I’d grown so close to in the past 24 hours.

“For the last time Spence, I don’t like him!” I recognised that voice anywhere.

“Well, he certainly likes you!” Spencer said cynically.

“I don’t care! I’d never date him!” Brendon almost shouted a bitter tone to his usually friendly voice.

I covered my hands over my face, trying to mute the sound of my heartbroken sobbing.

I was so pathetic, one day at a new school and I’d already fallen for a guy and had my heart broken.

“You ready?” I heard Spencer ask.

“Gimmie a minute, I’ll see you in music” Brendon said, sadly.

“Okay” Spencer sounded reluctant to leave, but he did. I watched the red converse walk out the door, leaving Brendon alone. He sighed heavily.

I closed my eyes, just listening to him, his stuttered breathing. He sounded like he was crying.
The door opened and his heavy breathing stopped, maybe he’d left.

I stood up, unlocked the door and saw a tall boy, washing his hands, next to him was Brendon. Not the friendly positive Brendon with the infectious smile that I’d met yesterday, close up I could see his eyes were red and he had heavy dark circles and eyeliner smudged around them. The other boy left in a hurry.

“Ryan?” Brendon looked at me.

“What?” I said, my voice cracked.

“Are you okay?” his voice was soft and concerned.

“I’m fine, not that you care.” I answered him, my voice slightly more venomous than I intended.

He looked at me; I saw that familiar hurt look in his beautiful brown eyes.

“Ryan, I-I-“He stammered.

“Forget it, you don’t need to feel sorry for me anymore, I can take care of myself” I was surprised at how bitter I sounded.

He looked at me, lips slightly parted.

“Ryan” His voice was barley a whisper.

I walked out, leaving him there.

Not that I cared.

I ran out of school, ignoring everyone until I reached a spot where I could be alone.

I sunk to the ground and broke down for the second time that day.