Sunshine In My Veins
Who Is Your Lover, I Couldn't Tell...
Ryan’s POV
I watched Phil as he dialled someone’s number, things had got awkward after he said I was hot, I know Brendon had called me a golden god or whatever yesterday, but that felt different, it felt flattering. When Phil said that, I kinda felt like I was cheating on Brendon. Which was stupid, we weren’t even dating; I don’t think we were even friends anymore. I mean, we’d met, he’d flirted, drooled on me, kissed me, I ran away then I found out he in fact doesn’t want me.
“PJ! Hey!” Phil interrupted my train of thought. “How are you? …yeah...me too! Anyway, I’ve got someone you need to meet” He smiled at me, “Yeah, Okay, great! Bye!”
“Where are you taking me?” I asked, he was pulling me towards a tall, modern building.
“To meet PJ!” He said brightly.
“Who’s that?”
“PJ Ligouri, he’s the singer for our band” He pushed open the doors with one hand, still dragging me with the other.
“Oh, cool” He didn’t seem that bad.
“This is his place” Phil grinned and pushed the number 13 in the elevator. We waited in an awkward silence to reach PJ’s floor.
The doors opened to reveal a long corridor.
“Here” Phil knocked on the door nearest to us, it was opened soon after in inside were two boys, they looked older than me and Phil.
“Hi!” The taller boy greeted us with a warm smile. He had curly brown hair, mysterious light green eyes, and he was wearing a Zelda shirt with tight jeans.
“Come in! We haven’t started yet, everything’s set up though” The other boy grinned, he was slightly shorter, with hair of a similar length and colour to mine, he was holding a pair of drumsticks.
“I’m PJ by the way, and this is my faggot friend Chris” The taller boy laughed, leading us into a large room filled with instruments and amps, a drum kit was set up, Chris made his way over to it and sat down.
“I’m Ryan” I said, realising I hadn’t introduced myself yet.
“I hear you play guitar Ryan” PJ said, adjusting a microphone that stood at the centre of the room.
“Um, yeah, sort of.” I stuttered.
“Can we hear some?” Phil asked, holding out an acoustic guitar.
“Um, I don’t – “
When I was a young boy…
I hit answer before checking who was calling, eager to avoid playing guitar in front of them.
“Hello?” A male voice asked, they sounded flustered.
“Hello?” I briefly took the phone away from my ear to check who was calling. Spencer.
“Ryan, is Brendon with you?”
“No”
“Did you talk to him?” He asked, sounded even more worried and confused.
“Yeah, not that there was much point.” I answered, bluntly.
“What?”
“I know Spencer, I know he just felt sorry for me, he doesn’t like me at all.”
“Ryan, what are you on?” He almost shouted. “Brendon doesn’t just use people! What did you say to him? He’d obviously been crying when I saw him last.”
What, he was crying?
“I told him he didn’t need to feel sorry for me anymore...”
“Why?!” Spencer was shouting now.
“I heard you and him talking about me! Saying how he’d never date me!” I felt tears forming just talking about it. I tried to ignore the three boys that were trying their hardest to listen in to my conversation.
“What? Ryan, we were talking about Dan, you know, blonde, obsessive, clingy?”
“Ryan?”
“RYAN?”
I couldn’t speak, for the joy that overwhelmed me at that moment was...well…overwhelming.
“Ryan Ross are you fucking listening to me? Brendon’s gone missing, I don’t know where he’s gone, asshole left my phone in the bathroom. Listen, Ryan I don’t know if you can still hear me, but he’s a very impulsive person and I know this is stupid to think but I don’t know what he’s capable of when he’s upset and…”
I was suddenly overcome by worry.
“Spencer? I can hear you, where are you?”
“Walking towards Starbucks, I’m going to ask Jon if he’s seen him.”
“I’ll meet you there” I hung up and shoved my phone in my pocket.
“Who was tha-“ Phil started,
“I’ve got to go” I interrupted him, rushing out the door.
“What do you mean? Ryan!” He shouted after me.
I totally ignored him; right now I was in a state of panic.
Why?
A boy I barely knew was potentially about to do something stupid all because of me jumping to conclusions and thinking something was about me when it was actually about Dan…
Wait.
Dan.
I thought back…
*“He said it didn’t mean anything to him, I think he just felt sorry for you to be honest, and he’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to him again”*
I tried to make sense of it all whilst in the lift, if that kiss ‘didn’t mean anything to him’ then why was he in a state like this?
“Maybe it did mean something to him” A girls voice came from my left, she had long wavy hair, which was a mixture of brown and blonde and inquisitive hazel eyes that were surrounded with dark, smoky eye shadow.
“Uh-what?” I stuttered. I hadn’t realised there was anyone in the lift with me, nor was I aware that I’d been saying my thoughts out loud.
“Maybe he lied to you for some reason; if he’s upset it clearly meant something to him”
“He didn’t tell me, it was someone else” I mumbled, wondering why this complete stranger was helping me.
“Well they’ve probably lied” She grinned triumphantly, “Who told you?”
“A guy who’s in love with him” Everything suddenly made sense.
“Well then!” Her smile grew.
“Thanks” I smiled back, “What’s your name?” I decided to strike up a conversation, seeing as I needed to take my mind off things, she had helped me figure everything out and the lift was taking longer than necessary.
“Sierra, what about you?”
“Ryan” I said, just as the lift doors opened. All thoughts of being calm and collected suddenly escaped me. I ran as fast as I could towards the door of the building, shouting a quick goodbye to Sierra on my way out.
I could feel my eyes watering as I forced my twig-like legs to carry me closer to Starbucks, by the time I reached it my throat was burning and I could no longer feel my limbs.
“S-Spencer?” I panted, hurling myself into the doors and collapsing on the nearest chair.
“Ryan, what the fuck happened to you?” He said, rushing over to me whilst eating the remains of what suspiciously looked like a chocolate muffin, Jon followed closely behind.
“Not important” I ignored his question, still breathing heavily, “Brendon?”
“Right, we’ll go to his place first, his parents are working today so he might have gone home”
“Okay” I looked at Spencer, his blue eyes were wide with concern, “Are you coming?” He looked back at Jon, who hadn’t taken his eyes off Spencer since I’d got here; he was either listening intently or mentally undressing him.
And, judging by the look on his face, it was the second one.
Spencer, who was now naked in Jon’s head, and seeing as he was walking rather close behind him was more than likely being eye-fucked by the flip-flop wearing Starbucks employee, led the way, which made sense, considering he was the only one who actually had a flying fuck where we were going. Not that I hadn’t been there before, I had, obviously, but I’d been too busy checking out Brendon’s ass the whole way there to notice the direction in which we were travelling.
I mean I had a bad memory…
“Okay, here we are” Spencer said as we walked up the familiar garden path. He knocked on the front door and we stood waiting, anxious and impatient.
“Do you hear anything?” I asked, looking in the windows to see if there was any sign of movement.
“No, but there’s a light on and his Mom NEVER leaves lights on.”
“So he’s home then?”
“Most likely” Spencer said, walking away from the door to get a better view of the upstairs windows, I followed him.
“Does he do this a lot?” I asked,
“What?”
“Run away crying?”
“Not really, but he is very dramatic” Spencer smiled weakly.
“Oh, so-“
“Guys?” Jon interrupted, he gestured towards the now open door, “It was open”
Spencer walked hastily inside, Jon followed him and I walked slowly, remembering the last time I was here.
“Bren!?” Spencer called as we made our way up the stairs, he headed towards a room farthest away and peered in, I saw him sigh with relief, he turned towards me and Jon, who I’d just noticed was still wearing his Starbucks uniform, “Headphones” He mouthed, looking back into the room, he pushed the door open slightly.
He was lying face down on his bed, brown hair in a mess; I could hear the bass from his iPod.
It suddenly occurred to me that a lot of the time I’d spent with Brendon was staring at the back of his head.
“Stay there” Spencer whispered, closing the door so we were out of sight.
I walked closer, eager to listen to whatever they were saying, whatever he was upset about, whether or not it was me, I wanted to know.
Badly.
I wanted him to say he was okay.
I wanted him to tell me that he did care about me.
I wanted to kiss him again, to be able to feel whatever the fuck it was I felt when he kissed me yesterday, minus the me being a douchebag and running away part.
“Bren?” I heard Spencer say, “Bren?!” He sounded more urgent, “BRENDON!?”
I watched Phil as he dialled someone’s number, things had got awkward after he said I was hot, I know Brendon had called me a golden god or whatever yesterday, but that felt different, it felt flattering. When Phil said that, I kinda felt like I was cheating on Brendon. Which was stupid, we weren’t even dating; I don’t think we were even friends anymore. I mean, we’d met, he’d flirted, drooled on me, kissed me, I ran away then I found out he in fact doesn’t want me.
“PJ! Hey!” Phil interrupted my train of thought. “How are you? …yeah...me too! Anyway, I’ve got someone you need to meet” He smiled at me, “Yeah, Okay, great! Bye!”
“Where are you taking me?” I asked, he was pulling me towards a tall, modern building.
“To meet PJ!” He said brightly.
“Who’s that?”
“PJ Ligouri, he’s the singer for our band” He pushed open the doors with one hand, still dragging me with the other.
“Oh, cool” He didn’t seem that bad.
“This is his place” Phil grinned and pushed the number 13 in the elevator. We waited in an awkward silence to reach PJ’s floor.
The doors opened to reveal a long corridor.
“Here” Phil knocked on the door nearest to us, it was opened soon after in inside were two boys, they looked older than me and Phil.
“Hi!” The taller boy greeted us with a warm smile. He had curly brown hair, mysterious light green eyes, and he was wearing a Zelda shirt with tight jeans.
“Come in! We haven’t started yet, everything’s set up though” The other boy grinned, he was slightly shorter, with hair of a similar length and colour to mine, he was holding a pair of drumsticks.
“I’m PJ by the way, and this is my faggot friend Chris” The taller boy laughed, leading us into a large room filled with instruments and amps, a drum kit was set up, Chris made his way over to it and sat down.
“I’m Ryan” I said, realising I hadn’t introduced myself yet.
“I hear you play guitar Ryan” PJ said, adjusting a microphone that stood at the centre of the room.
“Um, yeah, sort of.” I stuttered.
“Can we hear some?” Phil asked, holding out an acoustic guitar.
“Um, I don’t – “
When I was a young boy…
I hit answer before checking who was calling, eager to avoid playing guitar in front of them.
“Hello?” A male voice asked, they sounded flustered.
“Hello?” I briefly took the phone away from my ear to check who was calling. Spencer.
“Ryan, is Brendon with you?”
“No”
“Did you talk to him?” He asked, sounded even more worried and confused.
“Yeah, not that there was much point.” I answered, bluntly.
“What?”
“I know Spencer, I know he just felt sorry for me, he doesn’t like me at all.”
“Ryan, what are you on?” He almost shouted. “Brendon doesn’t just use people! What did you say to him? He’d obviously been crying when I saw him last.”
What, he was crying?
“I told him he didn’t need to feel sorry for me anymore...”
“Why?!” Spencer was shouting now.
“I heard you and him talking about me! Saying how he’d never date me!” I felt tears forming just talking about it. I tried to ignore the three boys that were trying their hardest to listen in to my conversation.
“What? Ryan, we were talking about Dan, you know, blonde, obsessive, clingy?”
“Ryan?”
“RYAN?”
I couldn’t speak, for the joy that overwhelmed me at that moment was...well…overwhelming.
“Ryan Ross are you fucking listening to me? Brendon’s gone missing, I don’t know where he’s gone, asshole left my phone in the bathroom. Listen, Ryan I don’t know if you can still hear me, but he’s a very impulsive person and I know this is stupid to think but I don’t know what he’s capable of when he’s upset and…”
I was suddenly overcome by worry.
“Spencer? I can hear you, where are you?”
“Walking towards Starbucks, I’m going to ask Jon if he’s seen him.”
“I’ll meet you there” I hung up and shoved my phone in my pocket.
“Who was tha-“ Phil started,
“I’ve got to go” I interrupted him, rushing out the door.
“What do you mean? Ryan!” He shouted after me.
I totally ignored him; right now I was in a state of panic.
Why?
A boy I barely knew was potentially about to do something stupid all because of me jumping to conclusions and thinking something was about me when it was actually about Dan…
Wait.
Dan.
I thought back…
*“He said it didn’t mean anything to him, I think he just felt sorry for you to be honest, and he’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to him again”*
I tried to make sense of it all whilst in the lift, if that kiss ‘didn’t mean anything to him’ then why was he in a state like this?
“Maybe it did mean something to him” A girls voice came from my left, she had long wavy hair, which was a mixture of brown and blonde and inquisitive hazel eyes that were surrounded with dark, smoky eye shadow.
“Uh-what?” I stuttered. I hadn’t realised there was anyone in the lift with me, nor was I aware that I’d been saying my thoughts out loud.
“Maybe he lied to you for some reason; if he’s upset it clearly meant something to him”
“He didn’t tell me, it was someone else” I mumbled, wondering why this complete stranger was helping me.
“Well they’ve probably lied” She grinned triumphantly, “Who told you?”
“A guy who’s in love with him” Everything suddenly made sense.
“Well then!” Her smile grew.
“Thanks” I smiled back, “What’s your name?” I decided to strike up a conversation, seeing as I needed to take my mind off things, she had helped me figure everything out and the lift was taking longer than necessary.
“Sierra, what about you?”
“Ryan” I said, just as the lift doors opened. All thoughts of being calm and collected suddenly escaped me. I ran as fast as I could towards the door of the building, shouting a quick goodbye to Sierra on my way out.
I could feel my eyes watering as I forced my twig-like legs to carry me closer to Starbucks, by the time I reached it my throat was burning and I could no longer feel my limbs.
“S-Spencer?” I panted, hurling myself into the doors and collapsing on the nearest chair.
“Ryan, what the fuck happened to you?” He said, rushing over to me whilst eating the remains of what suspiciously looked like a chocolate muffin, Jon followed closely behind.
“Not important” I ignored his question, still breathing heavily, “Brendon?”
“Right, we’ll go to his place first, his parents are working today so he might have gone home”
“Okay” I looked at Spencer, his blue eyes were wide with concern, “Are you coming?” He looked back at Jon, who hadn’t taken his eyes off Spencer since I’d got here; he was either listening intently or mentally undressing him.
And, judging by the look on his face, it was the second one.
Spencer, who was now naked in Jon’s head, and seeing as he was walking rather close behind him was more than likely being eye-fucked by the flip-flop wearing Starbucks employee, led the way, which made sense, considering he was the only one who actually had a flying fuck where we were going. Not that I hadn’t been there before, I had, obviously, but I’d been too busy checking out Brendon’s ass the whole way there to notice the direction in which we were travelling.
I mean I had a bad memory…
“Okay, here we are” Spencer said as we walked up the familiar garden path. He knocked on the front door and we stood waiting, anxious and impatient.
“Do you hear anything?” I asked, looking in the windows to see if there was any sign of movement.
“No, but there’s a light on and his Mom NEVER leaves lights on.”
“So he’s home then?”
“Most likely” Spencer said, walking away from the door to get a better view of the upstairs windows, I followed him.
“Does he do this a lot?” I asked,
“What?”
“Run away crying?”
“Not really, but he is very dramatic” Spencer smiled weakly.
“Oh, so-“
“Guys?” Jon interrupted, he gestured towards the now open door, “It was open”
Spencer walked hastily inside, Jon followed him and I walked slowly, remembering the last time I was here.
“Bren!?” Spencer called as we made our way up the stairs, he headed towards a room farthest away and peered in, I saw him sigh with relief, he turned towards me and Jon, who I’d just noticed was still wearing his Starbucks uniform, “Headphones” He mouthed, looking back into the room, he pushed the door open slightly.
He was lying face down on his bed, brown hair in a mess; I could hear the bass from his iPod.
It suddenly occurred to me that a lot of the time I’d spent with Brendon was staring at the back of his head.
“Stay there” Spencer whispered, closing the door so we were out of sight.
I walked closer, eager to listen to whatever they were saying, whatever he was upset about, whether or not it was me, I wanted to know.
Badly.
I wanted him to say he was okay.
I wanted him to tell me that he did care about me.
I wanted to kiss him again, to be able to feel whatever the fuck it was I felt when he kissed me yesterday, minus the me being a douchebag and running away part.
“Bren?” I heard Spencer say, “Bren?!” He sounded more urgent, “BRENDON!?”