Searching for our Saving Grace.

*Present Day* June 2nd 2012

I’m a coward. I’m a fool. I’m a walking disaster.

The same lines repeat through my head like a broken record player. “You’re a fool John, stop being such a coward and face your fears.”

I’m a coward. I’m a fool. I’m a walking disaster.

He was right, I was a coward. Afraid of what life has to offer next. Finding where I fit, a spot to where I fit in. I was broken, I was defeated, and I was the shattered youth.

I ran my hands though my long greasy hair, feeling the hot Arizona heat against my skin. Getting up from the cool concrete, I walk up the long narrow stair case, debating whether or not to go up. Without my brain even thinking, my feet began to make its way up. I wasn't backing out.

With every step I took the staircase creaks, the rusty silver stair shimmers under the radiating sun. I could hear tiny whispers in my head telling me don’t do it, stop where I was and turn back, and that I was going to regret everything; but being the person I am, I ignored the thought provoking whispers and kept walking up.

Pulling out my keys from my back pocket, they rattle against each other while I fumble finding the right one. The gold key stuck out like a sore thumb, I stuck it into the lock and the door unlocks with a ‘click’. The door slowly crept open.

Inhaling a long breath, I took my first step into the apartment in nearly a month. Knowing this was a bad idea I continued to walk further into the apartment. Everything was like it’d been left, neat and untouched. The pure white curtains were drawn, only a little of the sun’s rays peaks through.

Walking down the hall, I hold my hand out taking in the textured yellow wall. Small bumps puncture my fingertips. Further down into the hall, darkness began to take over. It was like I was walking into a black whole and never looking back. I can’t get myself out of this now.

Approaching the end of the hall, there stood two French white doors. Grabbing onto the silver handles, the cold medal sends chills down my spine; I froze for a second. Standing there for what seemed forever, I open the door hesitantly walk in. Everything was disheveled, nothing like the living room. Ignoring the mess, I slump down onto the bed staring at the bland white wall.

Turning my attention to the dresser, I lift up a cracked picture frame. Staring at the picture I let a single tear slide down my face. Seeing her face made my heart shatter into a million pieces, her long silky chestnut hair, shiny blue orbs, and glowing tan skin. Holding the frame against my chest, I lie down on the bed and stare up at the ceiling, taking in her scent that still lingers within the sheets.

“Why? Why did you take her from me?” I said barely in a whisper. “Why did you do that to me?” More and more tear were cascading down my face. I didn't bother holding them back, it’s been building up for the past month; and now was my breaking point.

Gripping the frame tighter, I hug it closer to my body. I missed her so much, the way she laughed at my jokes, whenever she’d kiss me out of nowhere, how she could always manage to turn my frown upside down; as cliché was it sounded, and just the way how she made me feel like it was just her and I in the world and nothing else mattered. It was just John and Emily, Emily and John.

But now it was just John, I was nothing more than that.

*Past*

“John, I can get up myself you know.” She said annoyed. Her small frame made its way up from the bed, her hair sticking out in all directions, but still she manages to look beautiful.

I grab onto her arm making sure she was balance. “I know but I can’t help to worry.”

“Ugh I hate you, but at the same time I love you.” She said, slipping into her shoes.

“I know I have that effect on people.” I said with a smirk. “Now come on before it’s too late.”
She groans and follows me out the door, “John where are you taking me?”

“Not telling you, it’s a surprise.” I reply with a devious smile plastered on my face.

She rolls her eyes and starts to pout. “Goodbye kids, bring her back before ten John!” Jackie the nurse informs us.

“I got it, before ten!” I yell back to her. As we walk out the clear automatic door slides open, a cool breeze hits us.

“John, where are you taking me?” She whines, lightly tugging at my arm.

I gave her a smirk and glance over to her. “It’s called a surprise for a reason sweet heart.”

She simply rolls her eyes and cross her arms. She looked out the window admiring the Arizona sun set. It was always her favorite time of day, laying down looking out into the sky seeing the vast sky of colors, orange, red, pink, and sometimes purple.

She closes her eyes and rests her head against the window. Soon enough she’d drifted off, the only thing you could hear was her even breathing lightly in the background.

As she slept, I look at the girl next to me, how did I end up with a girl like her? She was smart, beautiful, funny, sarcastic, and loving; she is everything I could ever ask for.

Pulling into the vacant parking lot, I turn to her and lightly tap the bridge of her nose. Her nose scrunches up and her eye’s slowly open. Giving her a small smile I say, “We’re here.”

Getting out of the car, I ran to the other side and open the door for her. She let out a laugh, amused by my cheesiness.

Grabbing her hand, we walk together down the dirtied path road leading to the beach. Already set up, was a large blanket strategically placed under a coral tree. Removing my shoes, I sat down and pull her onto my lap. She let out gasp, totally caught off guard.

I laugh as she rests her head against my chest, slowly she whispers. “John, what are we doing here?”

“What does it look like we’re doing; we’re watching the sun set.” I explain, kissing the top of her head.

“I see that, but you just don’t do this out of nowhere. What do you have up your sleeves O’Callaghan?” She questions.

“Nothing, is it a crime taking my beautiful girlfriend to watch the sun set?” I laugh looking out into the ocean. The waves violently crash against the rocks, birds circled the night sky.

“No not at all, I’m just surprised; this isn't like you.” I smiled and twirl a piece of her hair with the tips of my fingers.

“I know,” She pulls in closer to me, feeling her heart beat steadily “Hey Em?”

She looks up at me with her eyes glistening, “I love you.”

She smiled and pecked my lips gently, “I love you too.”

*present*

By now there were no tears left in me, I felt like I’d been soaked up by a sponge. Sitting up I place the frame down back onto the dresser. Then I saw a silver locket with a letter next to it. Cautiously I held the locket in my hand feeling the cold medal again my bare skin.

My hands tremble, as I reach out for the letter. On the envelope I could see her neat hand writing, it read ‘John’. Nervously I opened the envelope, afraid of reading what the letter might contain.

*Past*

I sat in the cold room; I stare blankly at the grey walls. It was night time and only a dim light was on in the corner.

“John,” She mumbles quietly. I tore my eyes from the wall and drew my attention to her. Her hand reaches out for me.
Not hesitating, I reach out and grab her hands. I can feel her tremble slightly in my grasp; I slowly start to stroke her hand attempting to comfort her. “I have to talk to you about something.”

I nod intently, motioning her to go on. “We both know I don’t have very long.” I open my mouth to protest but she stops me in dead track. “No you listen to me John, I don’t have much time left and I need you to do me a favor. When I’m gone you have to move on, and forget about me. This might sound harsh but it’s the best for you. I want you to move on with your life, and I don’t want to hold you back. You have so much out there for you and keeping me in your head all the time won’t get you there. So promise me that one day you’d forget everything of me.”

I shake my head gripping her hand tighter, “No”

She closes her eyes and rests her head back onto the pillow. “John, don’t make this difficult please.”

“No!” I said with a little more aggression than attended. “There’s no way in hell am I promising you that.”

“John it’s the only thing I’m asking you to do before I go.” She said with her eyes still closed. “If you love me you’d promise me that right now.”

“I-I can’t Emily, I j-just can’t.” I said in a weary voice.

She finally opens her eyes and tears start to stream down her beautiful face. Little by little the tiny droplets make its way down, one following after another.

“Don’t cry baby, please. I can’t see you like this.” She shake her head looking away from me. “I love you so much, I can’t comprehend the fact that I might lose you.”

“Its life, everyone dies but not everyone lives.” She finally speaks up. “I’m only going to say this one more time John. If you love me, you’d make the promise.

I felt like ripping out every particle of hair from my head. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Where I was back to being happy, Emily not being sick; and I didn't have to worry about losing the love of my life. Knowing this is what she’s asking before she dies, I couldn't say now to her; even how much it kills me.

“Okay.”

She let out a small smile; I kiss her forehead and released her hand.

“Get some sleep beautiful; I’ll see you in the morning.”

*
I woke up to a loud noise, instead of hearing Emily’s heart monitor slowly beep; I heard a long stressed out noise. Immediately I run over to Emily looking over at the monitor it shows one straight line. Freaking out a scream for the doctor and nurses, I didn't care who hears me; I just needed someone to come in and tell me nothing was okay and there was just something wrong with the machine.

Soon enough nurses started to rush in and assist Emily. I felt like I couldn't do anything to save her, she just lays there helpless. My feet stays planted to the floor, unable to move I stare at the girl before me. Finally I maneuver myself over to her, kneeling down to her level and holding onto her cold skin.

"Please baby, please wake up." I plead softly.

"Sr. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The nurse informs me.

I shook my head not taking my eyes off Emily. "No, I'm not leaving her."

"I'm sorry but you have to leave, its policy. I'll make sure to inform you if she's doing okay or not, but for now you have to leave."

I shake my head again not paying any attention to the nurse.

"Sr, and going to ask you one last time to leave or I'm calling security."

Hesitantly I stand up from the ground and back away slowly, I take one last look at her and left.
I sit down in the waiting room, placing my head in the palms of my hands I cry. I didn't care about the weird stares I was getting from people, the love of my life was dying in there for god's sake; and I can’t do anything about it.

The more and more I think about it the more I cry, and they say real men don't cry; that's complete bull.

My legs start to bounce up and down, I was a complete mess. My eyes were red and I have huge bags under my eyes. All I could do it pray for the best and this was nothing. My body shook like my body was withdrawing, my head spins rapidly, and my world is collapsing.

I feel a pair of warm hands against my back rubbing up and down. Not looking up I start to sob even more.

"It's going to be okay sweetie; Emily's going to be okay." The voice came from Jackie. Emily and I got to meet her when Emily first checked in. She took care of her like Emily was her own daughter, I owed her big time.

"No it's not okay Jackie she's dying in there!" I said through sobs.

"Don't say that, do you think Emily wants to see you like this? Even if she were to go which I'm not saying will happen she'd be in a better place. But here's the thing, she's a fighter and you and I both know that. She'll be fine." She said calmly still rubbing my back.

"It's not fair! She's being taken from me! We were supposed to get married, have kids one day, and grow old together! It's not fair!" I snap.

Before Jackie could respond the nurse came out, I try to read her facial expression but she was emotionless.

" John…right?" I nod. "I’m sorry to say but—Emily has passed in her sleep. By the time doctors were able to get to her she was gone. You can go in and say your last good-byes now." With that she walks away.

I feel like a bullet has gone through my heart not once, not twice, but three times. I look over at Jackie and she seems to be on the verge of tears. "I think she lost the fight."

She stands up and grabs me into a hug. I start to cry into her shoulder afraid to go back into the room.

"Go in there, be strong for Emily and say good-bye. And remember—she's in a better place." I give her a weak smile and walk to Emily's room.

The light was dim and all I saw was her tiny frame lying on the bed. Everything was quiet, the machines were now off, and all you could her was distance coughs from other patients.
Pulling up a chair next to her bed, I intertwine her fingers with mine.

"I—I don't know where to start, you Emily Nicole Kathy is and will always be the love of my life. I'd do anything to go back in time to make sure you’re still with me right now. I love you to death and don't know how I'd go on knowing you won't be there by my side. You'll always have a place in my heart know matter what. Words and can't come close to describing how much I love you. I know you're up there somewhere watching over me right now. I'm going to miss that contagious laugh of yours, smile that could light up the room, and overall your existence. I don't think I'll be able to keep my promise I made to you but I'll try my hardest to, even if it's against my will. I owe it to you. Wherever you are up there right now, just know I love you and no one can ever replace you. I repeat—no one can." With that I close my eyes and inhale a sharp breath.

I kiss her cheek softly and then her hand. Taking one last look at the beautiful girl in front of me I walk out of the room. 'We're just lover's lost in space...searching for our saving grace.'

*Present day*

I hold the letter in my hand hesitating to open it. I rub the heart shaped locket, feeling her initials carved into the metal. E.N.K.

This was me facing my fears, getting out of the shell I've created for myself since she’d died. The only person I was lying to was myself, the only person I was hurting was me.
Carefully I tore the letter open and start to read.

"Dearest John,

By the time you read this letter I'm long gone, some where I'm hoping to be heaven. I just wanted to let you know I will always love you even if I'm dead. You are the best boyfriend any girl could ever dream of, till this day I'm still trying to comprehend how I ended up with you. You were more than just a boyfriend, you were my best friend. You stuck with me through the thick and thin, picked up the pieces when I felt broken, and was there for me when no one else was. You O'Callaghan were first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. Knowing I won't be able to wake up and see your face kills me, but now I'm somewhere else that's better for me. To come to think of it, I didn't deserve you. Making you go through all this heart ache, seeing me sick all the time. I was selfish to keep you to myself, when all that time you should have been with someone who could have made you happy. I know there's a girl out there that's going to turn your world upside down. Make sure you keep that girl in tight grasp. One day you'll make a fantastic husband, father, and much more. But for now look for that right girl, the one who you can bring home and make the future Mrs. O'Callaghan. Most importantly keep up with writing music and fore filling that dream of your John Oh. Be the inspiration and roll model for those young girls out there. To round this all up, I love you and will miss you to death; pun intended. Here’s the locket you gave me on our first anniversary. Even though I told you to forget about me, know that there will be some part of me left with you. Keep this locket and treasure it. It’s all that left of me…of us. This is the ending of the book of you and me. :)

P.S

Keep that promise Johnny boy, I'm watching you from above."

This was the end.