Three Cheers

It wasn't even 6 am before there was a knock on the door. I ignored it for a moment, cursing my light sleeping; but then the person rang the door bell. I got up, cursing under my breath and rubbing my eyes.

Before I even got to the hall, the door unlocked and opened. I wasn't surprised to see Gerard; he looked tired and fatigued. He shut the door, "I only came to get some clothes and to drop Biz off a school."

Gerard walked past me, making me feel hopeless and angry. I bit back a smart remark and followed him; "We need to talk; Busy told me to talk to you."

Gerard stopped at the threshold of our bedroom, "Biz?"

"Yes, Biz." I emphasized.

He ran his hand through his hair, "No yellin' okay?"

I shrugged, following him inside the bedroom. He shut the door behind me, and then went and sat on the bed, "Alright, I don't have anything to say. I said all I had to yesterday."

I frowned, "What is it with Eliza?" I asked, "And don't say because our sex was boring, because it's more than that. I want the truth, Gerard."

Gerard looked down, "I slept with her." He admitted.

Anger shot through me within a second. I balled my fist, teeth clenched, "When?" I growled.

"Last weekend."

I gasped out of anger, and tears bordered, "You're an asshole."

Gerard didn't look up as I stared at him, tears slowly itching down my cheeks; "I'm sorry, October. It was once and I used a rubber. I didn't even... I just..."

"There's no excuse," I muttered, "Why? Why, Gerard?"

"I wasn't thinking. I did it because I could."

It took all my strength to keep from hitting him, "What else?"

"Nothing. I fucked her and now she won't leave me alone -again."

"Why did you defend her the other night?"

Gerard looked at me finally, "You would've killed her."

I shook my head, wiping my eyes, "You have to get away from me, Gerard. I may hit you. Hard."

"Go ahead." He mumbled, "Hit me."

I stepped over to him and slapped him as hard as I could. All the anger came pouring out, I began to hit his chest and his face until he stopped me; he grabbed my wrist, "October!"

I began to sob again, like a baby, "You fucking asshole!"

He grabbed me harder, pushing me up against the wall. He wouldn't let me go until I stopped fighting him, and I lost control. I couldn't stop wiggling away, my anger ran over all of my emotions.

"October, stop! Calm down!" Gerard shouted at me.

With my eyes squeezed shut, I stopped fighting, crying and pushing him away. Gerard let my wrist go, and I slid down the wall. I pulled my knees to my chest, sobbing softly into them.

"I'm sorry, Sugar," he murmured; he knelt towards me, I felt him.

"Get away," I sobbed, "Don't touch me, go away."

Gerard moved back, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop my blubbering. It hurt so much, it was like he stomped on my heart and my pride; it felt like he tossed out my love. I felt unimportant, I felt ugly... I didn't feel love.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, "It was nothing."

I shot my head up and glared at him, "If it wasn't anything, you wouldn't have done it!"

His eyes looked away, down to the floor. I wiped my eyes; "Get out of my house--"

"This is our house," he told me as he stood, "This is our home."

"You obviously weren't thinking about that when you hopped in some bed with that crazy bitch!"

Gerard turned his back to me; "I can't say sorry anymore, what do you want me to say?"

"Nothing." I spat at him, "Don't say a thing. It's worthless and you're a fucking dick." I stood up and went to the bathroom.

"This is why I did what I did," he called after me, "You get angry and mad and--"

"You cheated on me!" I screamed at him, "With Eliza! Of all people, you fucked that nutjob!"

Gerard rubbed his jaw with his palm and didn't reply. I rolled my eyes and retreated to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I ignored all thought as I brushed, trying not to breakdown. I never felt so hurt in my life. Not even as a teenager.

Not as badly as the cutting made me feel. Gerard's actions cut me to the core. I truly wanted to disappear, to dissipate into oblivion.

I started to cry again as I put my tooth brush away and looked at myself in the mirror. Beneath my long sleeve t-shirt was the scars of who I was as a stupid kid. All the times I was shunned and ignored are documented on my skin. Was this the reason Gerard didn't want me? My disgusting scars and how fucked up I am inside.

I can help but to think that way. I mean, even if he's still married to me, he could fall out of love with me. He could hate how I looked and how I acted. Maybe my thin, unshapely body turned him off. He could be lying. He could be a lot of things.

I felt like a fool as well.

He was sitting on the bed when I entered the room. He looked at me then, and I at him; "What is it?" I asked him with a desperate tone to my voice, "Am I ugly? Is it my scars?"

Gerard's brow furrowed, "No, why would you think that?"

"Because... She doesn't have scars like me. She isn't insecure--"

"I don't want her. I just fucked up. I love your body, October," he looked down, "I know your scars like I know my own. Even if they're deeper and rise on your skin -more than mine- I still love them."

He wouldn't look at him.

"I love you, Gee. Why do you do this to me?" I asked, clasping my hands to my chest.

"Because I'm an idiot. I'm looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. I don't know why, but it's what I do."

"Do you love me?" I asked him, again, desperately, "Still?"

Gerard looked at me, "Yes. I'll always love you."

I shut my eyes, "I don't want to forgive you. You hurt me so badly."

"I understand, but... I still want to be here, I want to be with my girls."

"You can." I replied softly.

"I'm sorry," he stood, "Don't forgive me, just understand that I'm sorry."

I didn't reply. No head shake. I didn't want to; I couldn't.

Gerard sighed, "I'll... I'll take Busy and Thora to school, I'll take Thora to Mikey's with me... Spend the morning with her."

I gave a nod then, "Alright."

"I'm only at Mikey's if you need me," he touched my arm, "I love you."

I hummed, unable to say it back. Gerard frowned slightly, leaving towards the closet. I sat on the bed and watched him gather some clothes and then go into the bathroom.