Three Cheers

I woke up sweating heavily and panting. I rolled over, feeling the sharp pain in my stomach. I hold myself as I looked around at my surroundings; I was still in my hospital bed, not in surgery, not on my way to surgery.

I sighed, wiping my forehead, and pulled the thin blankets up to my chin. My whole body was hurting, everything, and I wish I were exaggerating. They hadn't put me on any pain medication since I had told them I was going to keep my baby. I wasn't so sure when exactly the pain would go away. They had told me the possible mishaps and possibilities after feeding me the medication; it was all pretty fucking scary.

I'm guessing my dream was meant to scare me, or my pain wanting me to rid my body of itself. I was happy that I didn't have a full dream, I would've been sad, crying and really pissed. 

I shook it off, and laid back down, rolling onto my side to go back to sleep. And, despite the fact that Gerard was probably cheating on me, I wasn't that selfish of a person. Besides, I wanted this baby too, and even if we were in dire straits, I had a feeling that I could handle this baby on my own; if need be. 

I know Gerard isn't going to magically clean up his act just because of this baby. He's selfish, he's an addict, and I'm his wife; I know him just as much as he knows himself. He wouldn't try, I wouldn't ask him to, I could trust that he would do it on his own... Without me.

Yes, I did plan to separate from Gerard. 

I'm thinking of our baby, if our baby manages to come into fruition. If this ulcer medication wasn't too harmful. I wanted to take care of my baby in a less stressful and harmful environment, where alcohol and drugs wouldn't be. If our kid has a chance, I'm not going to blow it. Just a small, teeny chance, I'm going to take it.


In the morning, I was given medication, and more precautions. Fran came in and sat with me for a bit. 

"So, you're keeping your baby?" She asked once the nurse left.

"Yep." I answered.

"Without persuasion? Your own mind?"

I chuckled, "Yes."

"I'm going to kill him if anything happens to you, October."

"I know, I know."

I didn't tell her about me calling Gerard and his cheating. I didn't want Fran to snap, or her plans to murder him to actually come true. I kept it to myself, and planned to deal with him on my own.

"I hope everything turns out okay. How are you feeling?"

"Sick, but I'm feeling better." 

"When are they letting you out?"

"Tomorrow."

"What do you want me to do if Gerard calls? If that asshole does call."

"Don't answer."

"Good. I have a good mind to shout at him."

"Save it for me."

Fran nodded, "Yeah, whatever you say, doll."

"Do you think I'm making the right decision?" I asked her softly.

Fran smiled, "I couldn't say myself... This is for you, October, whatever you believe you should do."

I smiled back at her, "Thanks for telling me the truth."

"Why would I lie to you?" 

"I'm just saying, you know."

"Well, you're welcome."


My stomach was in knots when they sent me to have my checked out by my OBGYN. I was just nervous about his prognosis on my baby. I had only been out of the hospital a few days, the medication I took made me feel a million times better, but I couldn't be positive.

I twiddled my thumbs during the examination. Everything came up clear, then they did the routine ultrasound on my actual stomach, ovaries and my baby. I had laid quietly into it, until I saw my baby and I got all choked up. I was happy and I was also mad; mad at Gerard. He let me down so much, this baby didn't deserve to be let down.

As I thought about it all, smashed our relationship into a big picture. The big things, the little things, the hardships and the easily forgotten moments. I chopped it all up into us not knowing each other well enough before we jumped into this marriage. We weren't forced... We just needed the life preserver we had, had before. We got married because we needed each other, we loved each other, and I'm not saying we don't any longer, it's just a different type of love.

Gerard didn't love or respect me like a wife, even though I love and respect him as a husband. It doesn't feel like he really loves or cares about me anymore. I feel like I'm the only one in love, and that hurts. I'm the only one trying. I'm the only one in it forever, he isn't, and I need to end it, find someone who will actually love me the way I should be... How my baby should be.

I don't know how Gerard will react when he finds out I'm pregnant, or that I don't want to be with him anymore. It's not that I don't want to, it's that he doesn't want to be with me. He isn't willing to try. 

"October, your baby is developing healthily," My doctor's voice woke me from my thoughts.

"Oh, really?" I asked with wonder, "The baby is okay?"

"Yep."

"That's good." I murmured happily.

"I'll get you cleaned up now," I sat up slightly, letting the doctor clean the gel from beneath my belly button.

I got up after that, then made my appointment for the following month. I wondered, shortly, if Gerard would be with me on my next appointment. I doubted it.