Three Cheers

My appointment was over; Fran and I just sat in her car, silent for a few minutes. My mind was racing, my head hurt and I was sick beyond belief. I felt claustrophobic in the car, but I couldn't will myself to open the door or roll the window down.

"Oh fuck." I finally spat angrily with tears running down my face.

"October, are you going to tell him?" Fran's tone was soft, wanting to know.

"No." I answered; my hands wiped at my face to get rid of the tears.

"He should know." 

"I'm not dying." I muttered.

"Still, October... Gerard should know."

I shook my head, "No. He'll get all paranoid and shit."

"Do you want me to?"

I frowned, "No! No, just..." I sighed, "Please take me home."

Fran patted my shoulder, "Alright."

I sat silently, fighting the tears swallowing my eyes. I wanted to cry, I wanted to beat down anything around me. I was so sick of the anger and the sadness brewing inside. I was sick of going through so much shit when I get an little ounce of happiness. I just wanted my head and the world to stop.

Fran had the tense feeling in her body, she wanted to talk and wanted me to talk. I couldn't. I was too upset, I would've snapped and yelled at Fran; I wouldn't have meant it.

"Hey," Fran said as soon as we pulled up, "If you need me, I'll drop my boss like a sack of potatoes, love."

I smiled, "I know, thanks."

"I'm only a phone call away. Ring me."

I smiled, "I will."

Fran leaned over and pecked my cheek. I smiled, "Thank you."

"Do you have the pills the doctor gave you?" She asked.

"In my bag." I replied, "I'll have the prescription filled tomorrow."

"I'll see you, then, love."

"See ya." I climbed out of car, waving before I walked up the drive.

As I approached the front door, the adrenaline in my body pumped slowly at first, my fatigue had gone. I felt anxious as soon as I opened the door and saw Busy and Happy waiting in the foyer. I smiled when I saw her, "Hi baby."

She got up and ran to me, "Mama, I miss you."

I used all of my strength to pick her up, "I missed you, too." I kissed her cheek, settling her on my hip, "Where's daddy?"

"He on the phone." 

I frowned slightly, "Gerard?" I called his name as I entered the living room. He was in there, "Gee?"

"He in the bathroom." Busy told me.

I went down the hall, Happy followed my steps. I could hear him arguing on the phone as soon as I approached it. I knocked steady, "Gee, are you okay?"

There was silence, "Hold on." He called out to me.

I held Busy up, "I'll be in the room." I said.

I didn't wait for a reply as I went to my bedroom. I set Busy down, then opened up my bag to get the pills; "Mama all better?" She asked me.

I shook my head, "Not yet, B."

"When?"

"Soon, Baby, I promise. I hate being sick." I popped open the cap and swallowed a vitamin.

She jumped up on her feet, "I no like you sick, mama."

"I'll be all better soon, and then we can play all day." I happily kissed her forehead.

"Daddy!" Busy called over my should, "Mama almost better!"

I put the pills beside my bed as Gerard made his way over, "What was wrong?" He asked.

I sat down, "Just... Stress, y'know." I lied slowly.

Gerard raised his brow, "Really?"

He didn't believe me.

"Yeah." I replied, I tried to seem cool.

He eyed me, "B, go play in the living room, me and mommy gotta talk real quick."

Busy frowned, as did I, "No."

"B, please," He told her, "We'll be quick."

She sighed, I didn't want her to go either. "I hafta?" 

"Yes, Busy." He kissed her head, helping her onto the floor.

"Hurry up!" She called after us, Happy following her.

I sighed, "Gerard, I'm fine." I said quickly.

"No, what's going on?" He sat beside me, "What do you have?"

"Nothing." I said hastily.

"October, tell me. I will find out, I have ways." He told me, his tone swinging changing to charge.

"Gerard..." I felt like I was being swallowed whole, "It's nothing."

"Stop lying to me," He snapped, "Just tell me."

I looked at him, he stared at me intensely, burning his eyes into mine. I swallowed thickly, wishing he could let me keep this to myself.

"Gerard," I said his name for the millionth time, "Let me just keep this to myself." I voiced my thoughts.

"No, now tell me." He demanded.

"You can't let shit go, can you?" I stood up angrily, holding my arms.

"I only want to help." He stressed.

I felt tears swell again, I turned to him, "The doctor did a ultrasound scan on me, after giving me a pregnancy test. It came out negative, but he wanted to be sure."

Gerard watched my eyes, "Yeah, what else?"

"He found cysts on my ovaries."

Gerard's brows furrowed, "What? What's that mean?"

"He couldn't tell if they were cancerous or just growths." 

His facial expression varies between concerned and frightened. He chewed at his bottom lip, "What... What's gonna happen?"

"They're gonna run some test on Monday." I told him.

"Why so long? That's 5 days from now!" Gerard yelped.

I shook my head, "That was the next available appointment, Gerard, calm down."

"How can I calm down? You could have cancer!"

The thought ripped through my chest, I started to cry and I turned away from him. He sighed heavily, then I felt his arms wrap around me. I shrugged to push him away, but he held me tighter.

"Let me go." I bawled, "Leave me alone."

"I'm sorry, October." He murmured in my ear.

I managed to push him away, I went and sat on the bed, palming my cheeks and trying not to sob. Gerard sat beside me, "I'm scared." I confessed, "I'm scared shitless and all you can do is yell?"

He wrapped his arms around me again, "Sugar, I'm scared too. I just... You said cancerous and I almost had a heart attack."

"Please don't yell," I whispered, "All I want is for you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright, even though I know it isn't."

Gerard shook his head, his lips brushing against my shoulder, "October everything is going to be alright, I promise."

"If something does, you have to promise me you'll take care of Busy." I looked at him, capturing his eyes.

His eyes watered, "No. I'm not promising that, because nothing is going to happen to you, you hear me?" He spoke aggressively, almost to the point of shouting, "You ain't dying, you don't have cancer. You're okay."

I felt a sob working its way to my throat, "Don't say that."

"Don't make me promise shit I don't need to promise to. We are going to raise our daughter together, we're gonna get old together, and as crazy as this sounds, October, but I hope he fuckin' die together."

My heart, my ribs, everything in my body tightened. Tears flowed, "Gee, I don't know what to do."

He kissed my cheek, "Me either, but we'll figure this shit out together, alright? I'll spend my last fucking dime to help you, Sugar."

I shook my head, "I don't care about the money--"

"I know you don't, but I'm telling you, I will make sure you're taken care of." Again, he kissed me, this time on my temple.

"I'm so scared." I repeated my earlier confession.

He kissed my wet face, "I know, October. Me, too." He kissed my face until he reached my lips.

I pressed my warm and salty lips against his gently, then buried my head into his chest. His arms held me tightly, that is until Busy came in.

"Mama!" She cried, "Mama, you 'kay?" She wiggled her body between my and Gerard's.

I gave a heavy sigh, pulling away from Gerard, "No."

She wrapped her arms around my neck, "I hug till yous feel better." 

I smiled, patting her back, "Thank you, baby."

I exhaled lowly as I kissed the top of my baby's head. I couldn't think of the negative. Good or bad, I had a daughter to think about. She comes first. I take care of her first, so I don't think dying is an option here.

Hopefully, it isn't.