Three Cheers

Gerard turned into super dad and husband after I had told him about the appointment. He waited on me hand and foot, trying to keep me happy at any turn. I appreciated it, I wasn't so used to it; I was used to doing everything by myself.

I was used to being in charge.

Gerard completely made me sit; he cooked dinner, and then he fed Busy, giving her a bath after. I put her to bed, though, and he forced his way in to sing her to sleep; I didn't mind, I was just thrown through a loop. He could tell how I wasn't real comfortable with it.

In my room, I got ready for bed, he had sat up in the bed, watching me, "What's wrong?" He asked.

"I'm not used to being told what to do." I said, "Not that you're so demanding, it's just... I'm used to being in charge, I'm used to making the decisions."

"I just want to make things easier on you." He exhaled lowly, "Is that not cool, or somethin'?"

"It's fine, believe me, Gee," I sighed, pulling the t-shirt over my head, "I gotta get used to it."

"I only want to help, October, you know that." His voice was rising slightly.

"I'm not angry," I told him with calm nerves, "I'm not yelling, so you don't have to yell or get angry."

"I can't help it, it feels like you're tryin' to make me feel bad and shove me away."

I turned and face him, making my way to the bed, "No, I'm stating the fact that I'm not used to it. Even before Busy, I was always the one making decision, remember?"

He nodded, "You were so bossy."

"I had to be. I still have to with Busy, she's got a little attitude, and you're spoiling her rotten."

He smiled, "I love her, I'd give her the world if she asked."

"I know you would." I climbed in the bed, "Just cool it with the toys and stuff. She has enough."

Gerard gave another nod, and rolled closer to me. I smiled as he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight, "Everything is going to be alright." He whispered.

I felt my chest tighten, "Promise?"

"I promise, Sugar. I'd move heaven and earth for you, and B. Everything will be just fine."

I exhaled lowly, hiding the tears, "I love her so much." I murmured.

"I do too." He added.

"I can't imagine leaving her."

"You aren't leaving her," Gerard spoke in an determined tone, "Stop thinking like that."

"I can't help it." I swallowed thickly, "If I do have cancer, I have to have surgery to remove all of my reproductive organs, and then chemo. I can't have anymore children, I'll always be on medication, and fearful that the cancer will come back. Or, I could die--"

Gerard sat up, "Stop it, October." He growled, "Stop saying that shit."

I rolled over and sat up, "Gerard, it's true, and it's on my mind."

"Fuck, I know it's true! It scares the living hell outta me! I don't want to hear it out loud, at least in my head it seems like nothing, it seems possible, but not real." Tears shined in his eyes, and he looked away, "Stop talking like that."

I grabbed his chin gently, making him look at me, "I'm sorry, I just can't help it. I have to say it, it's eating me alive."

"I promised you that you'd be okay, and I meant it." The tears rolled down his cheeks, and I wiped them away for him.

"I know you did. I'm just freaked out. My stomach hurts and it's on my mind. I can't even..." I exhaled, "I can't catch a little tiny break. If isn't one thing, it's another."

Gerard pulled me into his arms again, "We'll get through this, I swear to it."

I nodded, kissing his lips gently, then pulled him down to lie with me. I had to force myself to shut my head off, to try and forget about everything for a bit. Even if my stomach was killing me, I had to force the thoughts away.


The days to my appointment too longer than I expected. The days dragged on, my body was wired, I was nervous each passing day. Luckily, Gerard and Fran seemed to help me get through the days, helping with Busy, too.

I played with Busy, and when I was with her my mind was preoccupied with the games she chose to play. She made all the scary thoughts disappear, she made me happy to be able to play with her. I took it easy with her, I didn't run around with her and Happy, I really just walked and took them to the park with Gerard.

But, Busy could see that something was different in me. She knew I was sick, but not in the ways I knew. Busy hugged me a lot, kissing my cheek, telling me that I'd get better. It tugged at my chest at how affectionate and sweet she is. Her care and consideration often made me tear up.

I love her to the moon and back. She's the only thing I truly love and care about. I can't even fathom the very thought of leaving her behind.

So, when my appointment arrived, I kissed her face repeatedly before I left her with Fran. Gerard wanted to come and sit in with me. He decided it, he wanted to know exactly what was happening. I didn't object, I couldn't anyway, Gerard was going to, probably, force his way into the exam room. Whether I liked it or not.

I kissed Busy's forehead, "I love you, baby girl." I told her.

"I loves you." She said back to me.

"You be a good girl, alright?"

"I is." She told me with a big, dimpled smile.

I sighed happily, "I'll be back soon."

"I know." She waved to me.

Gerard kissed her too, then took my hand, leading me out the door. He led the way to the car, even opening the passenger door for me. Inside the car, together, he held my hand the entire drive; we didn't speak, it was a nice, comfortable silence.

At the doctor's office, Gerard only let my hand go so I could fill out my forms. After I did that, he took my hand again, his stubby little fingers rolled circles on the inside of my palm. Gerard's face was stoic, focused on the poster on the wall.

"Hey, you okay?" I said to him.

He looked at me, "Fine. Nervous. You?"

"I'm okay." I told him, "Anxious."

He kissed my forehead, "October, it's all going to be alright." He said this softly, "We'll be just fine."

I tried to settle the words deep inside. I wanted them to mean something, to actually mean what they were formed to mean. I hated how much the doubt overpowered them.

Still, they were nestled in my head. They were there telling me that I had Gerard, and nothing would be as bad as they seemed. Nothing was going to be as bad as you expect them... Right?