Three Cheers

Busy went down for a nap around noon. The entire morning I couldn't talk to Gerard... Actually I wouldn't let myself. I forced every little inch of energy in my body to play with Busy. I was so tired, I wanted to break down, I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. Once she was asleep, I finally started to cry.

Gerard sat beside me on the couch while I put my face in the palms of my hands. I sobbed like a child, letting it all out. Gerard wrapped his arm around my back and pulled me towards him; I was nearly on his lap.

"What did the doctor say?" He asked when my sobs softened.

"I'm gonna have surgery next week," I tried to speak, it came out in weak sobs, I wondered if he understood.

"Surgery next week?" He asked.

"Yes." I sputtered.

Gerard sighed heavily, his arms tightening around me. My head hurt, everything felt so surreal.

Gerard tried to calm me down, he held me tightly, kissing the top of my head. I didn't know what to say or do. I kept thinking the same thing; Why me?

"Why me, Gee?" I asked him softly, "What did I do wrong?"

Again, Gerard sighed, "You didn't do nothin' wrong, October... God is just fuckin cruel."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into his neck, "What am I gonna do?"

"You just fight it, Sugar. Don't give up."

"I can't. I'm just..." I sniffled, "This is fucked up. I'll always be worried about it coming back, I'll have to go through chemo..." I swallowed thickly, "I can't have anymore children, Gerard... Busy's it. And, I won't be able to take care of her, I'll be sick."

Gerard kissed the top of my head, "Don't worry, alright? I'll help you every step of the way."

"My heart hurts." I mumbled against his neck.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry." I mumbled, "I told you."

He sighed, "I mean it, though."

"I know, I don't want to hear it anymore." 

"Alright."

I stayed curled up in Gerard's lap, trying to shut my brain off. My head and heart wanted to explode. I couldn't stop thinking about Busy and what would happen if I were to die. I just couldn't leave her behind, it hurt just thinking that. I couldn't keep the tears from falling from my eyes.

"I love her so much, Gee." I said softly, "This hurts."

He kissed my head again, "You'll be okay, B'll be okay."

I couldn't reply, I didn't know what to say. 


Busy can pick up on so much. She sensed that I was carrying around the weight of worry. She didn't like seeing me sad, she never likes seeing anyone sad.

I was more than afraid to tell her that I would be in the hospital. It was even more frightening telling her that I would be going back to "get better". I had already explained everything to my parents, they wanted to take Busy for a while, Gerard strongly suggested that he take care of her instead.

It was all almost too much for me.

"Mama, why you go to hospital again?" Busy asked me as I packed her a little bag for her stay with my parents.

"To get better." I told her.

"You no better?" She frowned.

I sighed, "Not yet, baby. Almost."

Busy wrapped her arms around my hips, "I want you better."

I smiled, I took her and picked her up, "I'll be better soon, B."

"Now." She pouted.

I kissed her forehead, "It won't be long, I promise."

Busy continued to pout, then she wrapped her arms around my neck. I relaxed and kissed her cheek, "You'll be okay with grandpa and grandma?"

She nodded, "Mm-hm. Daddy say I visit you." 

"Yeah, I know." I kissed her again, "I love you so much, Busy Bee, you know that?"

She giggled, "Yeah, mama."

"I can't wait to get better for you."

Busy rested her cheek against my chest, "I no want to go."

"But I'll get better, I won't be gone long."

"I loves you, mama." She said softly.

"I love you too, BB."

I gave Busy a tight hug and another kiss before Gerard came in. He gave a small smile, "You two ready?"

Busy lifted her head, "I no want mama to go!"

"I'll be back, baby." I told her, "And you'll come see me. I want you to draw me lots of pictures too." I said this with false happiness to keep my baby happy.

She tweaked her lips, "'Kay."

"Let's go, I bet everyone is dying to see you, baby."

Busy nodded and I let her down, "I has fun for you, mama."

I kissed her head, "Thank you."

Gerard took her bag, "Everything good?"

"Yeah, I got her stuff ready." I told him, "She's good."

"Alright, let's go, Biz." Gerard took her hand, and she took mine.

"C'mon, mama."

"Get Happy, too." I reminded her.

"He ready!" She said excitedly.

Happy was waiting by the door, I grabbed his leash and followed Busy and Gerard out the door. At least for a moment, I could pretend that nothing was wrong.


At the hospital, I was set up in a prep room -again. Gerard was still with me, holding my hand. He was thinking deeply, and I knew it was about the tour.

Gerard had to leave for tour in two weeks. I would be in the hospital for 4 days, and recovering for a week. He would be gone when I would have another appointment.

"It ain't bad," He said to himself, "I can do this."

"Remember, he said we caught it early." I rubbed his hand, "I'll... I'll be fine." I said with false hope.

"You'll be perfect." Gerard replied.

"I'm still scared." I murmured quietly, "Out of my fucking mind."

"It's okay, because I am too." He leaned over, pressing his forehead to my shoulder, "I can't even think straight."

"Gee, just... Just promise me, alright, that you'll take care of Busy. Don't take her from my family, just be there for her." I swallowed thickly.

He shook his head, "You ain't dead yet. I'm not promising anything." He smiled weakly at me.

"I'm really scared," I started to tear up, "Holy fuck, I'm scared for Busy. I need her, Gee."

"She'll be here when you get settled in your room. I'll bring her to you, October." His voice was genuinely positive.

I exhaled heavily, "Thank you."

"No need to thank me." He kissed the corner of my mouth, "I love you."

"I love you, too, Gerard."

"I'll be right here when you get back. I promise." Again, he kissed me.

Even though I was scared shitless, I tried to think positively. This was... A huge bump in my life, but I had to be tough. For my baby girl, if not for myself.