Three Cheers

Gerard wasn't suppose to be over until the next day; God it was nerve wrecking. I fussed about how I looked, that's what I worried about, really. I didn't want my husband to be turned off.

"Mama, I thinks youse very pretty." Busy said to me.

"Yeah I know you do, but will daddy think I'm pretty?"

Busy nodded vigorously, "Yes!"

I smiled at her, "Thank you, baby."

Even with my little one's reassurance, I couldn't stop myself from being self conscious. Being self conscious isn't something new, but with Gerard, I was always frightened of how I looked. It didn't matter if he said he didn't mind how I looked, I always worried.

I still didn't look in the mirror though. I couldn't will myself to. If I went to the bathroom, I always shut my eyes, even when washing my hands.

I could only hope Gerard wouldn't hate my looks as much as I did.

But, I still was excited for him to come. I missed him so much, I couldn't wait to hear his voice. I couldn't wait to hug him.

"Mama, I brings my colors." Busy hopped on my bed with her box of crayons and coloring book, "I makes daddy a picture."

"You want me to help?"

She nodded, "You makes one with me." 

I giggled, "Alright, let me see."

Busy flipped opened her coloring book and picked a page for me to color; it was a little bird. "I do a cat." She told me.

I laid on my stomach and colored with Busy. She concentrated hard, picking the right colors, and stuck her tongue out. I smiled every time I glanced over at her; I love her so much.

Later on, we finished our pictures, then we went to eat. I as usual picked at my food, then I went to bed. I tried to keep my energy up, but I was fueling down. By the time I went to bed, I hit the pillow and was out. I fell right asleep with Busy at my side.


The next morning, I woke up to someone kissing my face. I groaned slightly, "B, what time is it?"

"Time to get up."

My eyes shot open, out of fear and surprise. Gerard was in the room, and he was kissing me. 

I pulled the blanket over my head, "Gee?" I kept the blanket wrapped tightly.

He laughed, "Yeah, Sugar, it's me." 

"I missed you." I said softly; he laughed again.

"Take the blanket off, October." He cooed, "I haven't seen you in 7 weeks."

"I can't." 

The bed shifted as he climbed on, "C'mon, baby. Why not?"

"I'm ugly." 

Gerard pulled the bottom of the blanket up and quickly pulled it over my head to expose me and wrap the blanket around my shoulders. I looked at him, his dark hair had grown and was shaggier, his smile was small and crooked. I stared at him, then looked down; "You ain't ugly." He said softly.

"You're just saying that." I mumbled.

Gerard took my hand, "Now why would I just say that?" He asked curiously.

"Because you're my husband."

He leaned over, "Yeah, but you are beautiful. Did you lose weight?" That was a quick, quizzical question.

"30 pounds." I said softly.

"Holy fuck, really? How?"

I looked up at him, "I have no appetite."

Gerard cupped my jaw, "I didn't know... Biz and your dad just told me you were tired a lot." He kissed my lips softly, then pulled a few inches back, "I'm sorry, Sugar."

"I'm getting better." I murmured, "Some of my body hair is growing back, but I know it'll just stop growing again soon."

Gerard pulled me onto his lap, "You're so small." He spoke almost in a whisper.

"I have another month and a half until I'm finished with chemo." I informed him, "I can't wait, I'm so tired of being tired."

Gerard kissed my temple, "I can't wait to come home. I miss you."

"I miss you, too." I felt sadness sweep me.

Gerard wrapped his arms tightly around me, "I want to take care of you," He murmured against my cheek, "I love you."

I tried my hardest not to cry, "Even if I look like this?"

Gerard gave my waist a small squeezed, "I don't give a fuck what you look like, October. I love you no matter what happens."

"You promise you aren't just saying that? That you aren't disgusted by me?"

Gerard frowned, "I ain't disgusted by you, why would you even think that?" 

"Gee, I'm... I look different. I'm not the same! I'm skinny, I'm... I'm not the same October, I don't even feel the same."

"You're the same to me," He said softly, "You're still my October. I still love you."

"You could do so much better." I grumbled.

"Actually, no I couldn't." He kissed my cheek, "You're top notch. No one could trample you, baby."

I shook my head, "Get out while you can." I spoke absentmindedly.

"Nope, never." He squeezed me again, "And stop all this nonsense about you being ugly. You look fuckin' beautiful to me, my and Busy's opinion are the only ones that matter, and we think you're gorgeous."

"I can't even give you what you deserve, Gerard," I looked him in the eye, "I can't have sex, I can't give you anymore babies, I don't even have enough energy to talk on the phone."

Gerard sighed, "And I told you that we'll work through this shit. Your sex drive will come back, we can adopt and I can live without a few phone calls, October." He kissed the corner of my mouth, keeping his face close to mine, "I told you, we'll get through it, don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive." His voice was reassuring, "Don't worry." He stressed.

"I just feel that God's playing a cruel joke on me." I let my insecurities out, "I feel that you'll get sick of me and leave. You won't want me anymore."

Gerard let out a small huff, "The day I get tired of you is the day the rapture will happen."

I smiled softly, "Gerard, don't say things you don't know will be true."

"I know it's true; it ain't ever gonna happen. I'm fuckin' happy with you, with our daughter, with our marriage; with everything. I love you, Sugar, ain't no other way to go about it." Gerard smiled again, "You believe me?"

I nodded slowly, "Yes, but, I'm still afraid."

He sighed again, "You aren't gonna die, I'm not gonna leave you and you aren't going to be in pain forever. I'll do any and everything to make life easier for you."

I let out a small huff myself, tears overflowing, "I love you, Gerard." I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his shoulder.

"I love you, too, Sugar," He rubbed my back gently, "So much."