Three Cheers

Even with Gerard's words swimming in my head, I was still very cautious about my looks. I didn't really want to leave the house when he suggested it, so I just said I would get too tired. I felt bad about it, and even felt like crying. 

Busy had frowned, "But, mama, we never gets to go."

I sighed softly, "You can take her Gee." I replied with a short smile, "Have fun." I urged to keep all spirits up.

"I don't want to leave you here." Gerard furrowed his brows, "You sure?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I know how much Busy would like it."

Gerard had kissed my forehead and got up, "We won't be gone long."

I nodded again, kissing Busy's head as she prepared to bounce out the door. When they had gone, my dad came in, "October, are you alright?"

I nodded yet again, "Fine."

"Are you still self conscious?" He came over and sat beside me.

"I look like ET, of course in self conscious." I tried to be humorous and pretend it didn't bother me.

"You're much cuter than ET," My dad joked, "But, you know, being cooped up ain't gonna help your self esteem."

"I can't face the world right now, dad." I muttered lowly.

"Why?"

"Because the world is uglier than I am. It's cruel." I said softly, "And... I don't feel too good about myself right now."

"Who cares what people think?" He asked suddenly.

"I do." I replied, "If some photographer sees me with Gerard, do you know how mortified I would be? I'm not... I'm not like the girls Gerard should be with. I don't understand why he doesn't just dump me right now."

My dad shook his head, "He loves you."

"I know he loves me, but... But I'm not glamorous. I'm just... October."

"You're glamorous to him. He thinks you're beautiful, inside and out. He is in love with you."

"He's a foolish man." I murmured.

"You're a foolish woman whose head is twisted up. You should stop seeing the negative, October, and see the positive." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "You're still alive, you got an amazing partner, and a beautiful daughter. You should be happy, some people don't even have half of what you got."

I frowned, scolding myself inwardly, "Yeah, dad, you're right. I feel like an idiot."

"You aren't an idiot, just cautious because you've been hurt before." He told me softly.

I exhaled lowly, "I don't ever want to embarrass him."

"I doubt it, honey. And even so, Gerard doesn't care."

I nodded slowly, "Yeah... I know he doesn't."

With all that my dad said, I tried to stop myself from thinking negatively about myself. It's hard, because for most of my life, I did think negatively about myself. I always assumed I looked bad, and now that I have cancer, I get even 10x worse.

Gerard, he loves me. A lot. Or else he wouldn't be here and still tell me so. I feel like I haven't been 100% with him. I hate hiding, but it's all I feel I should do.


Gerard and Busy had come back right before dinner; the two were giggling like little maniacs. Busy stopped when she saw me, but her smile was wide and wild, "Mama!"

"Hi, B. Did you have fun?" Busy launched herself into my lap.

"Yes!" She exclaimed, "I go high on the swings! I go down the slide, it was fun, mama!"

I smiled sadly, "I wish I could've been there."

Gerard sat beside me, "We can go tomorrow." He stated softly.

I looked at Busy to keep from looking at Gerard, "Maybe."

Gerard opened his mouth to speak, but Busy beat him to the punch, "Mama, I'm starvin'." she exaggerated a sigh.

"Okay, let's go see what grandma is cooking." Busy got up, running as usual towards the kitchen.

I got up, Gerard helped me, "October, what's up?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" 

"How come you didn't want to go? Are you really too tired?" He asked semi-suspiciously.

I nodded, lying to his face, "Yes."

He shook his head, "I know you, Sugar. I know when you're lying. Tell me what's wrong."

I frowned, "Gee... I just don't want to go. I don't want to get sicker than I already am." Again, I lied. 

How much sicker could I get?

"October, c'mon, don't keep me in the dark." His voice was stern.

I looked down and licked my lips, "Can we talk about it later? I'm kinda hungry..."

He frowned too, "Yeah... Okay."

Gerard followed me toward the kitchen where my mom was seating Busy in her high chair. Busy hates sitting in that thing, "I hate it." She sulked, "I not baby N-E-more!"

I smiled and giggled, "But you are a baby." I kissed her forehead.

"Not uh!" She whined; her mouth curled just like Gerard's when he's mad.

"I know that face." He murmured holding back laughter.

I shook my head with a laugh, "It's yours."

We all sat down to eat, and surprisingly, my mom didn't say any snarky or sarcastic comments towards Gerard. She kept her mouth shut and helped feed Busy. I ate, I was really hungry, but I kept my pace with food; if I ate too much I would've gotten sick. I took my time, picking at my food like a bird.

Afterward, Gerard helped give Busy a bath and then put her to bed. All the while, I could feel the tension in his body. He wanted to talk and I didn't; talking was another thing that exhausted me.

I was already exhausted when I got to the guest bedroom I was squatting in. It was right beside Busy's.

Gerard sat on the bed while I changed my clothes. I could feel his eyes on me, I tried to shake his glare from my senses and dress. I turned, getting to the bed and getting beneath the covers.

"I'm leaving tomorrow night," He said softly, "So, we should talk about this."

I frowned again, "This? What do you mean?"

"October, just tell me what's bothering you. You're my wife, I want to make you happy." He stressed, turning his body fully to me.

"You make me happy." The words fell from my mouth slowly, "Do I make you happy?"

Yes, the question was ridiculous. I could see by the look on Gerard's face that he thought so.

"What the--? Yeah, no shit. Where the hell did that come from?"

I looked down, "I told you, Gee, I'm not pretty anymore."

"Fuck, October, stop--"

I stopped him, "I'm just saying, because I've seen the girls you've been with. They weren't me, they were prettier than me, y'know, and I can't even compare with them."

"Because, you're not in a category to be compared with them! You can't be compared, and you know that it's true. You're my wife," He spoke quick, his hand grabbed mine, "I love you, I married you, and I have a little girl with you."

"I can't help but to doubt it all." I let my heart speak.

"Why? You don't believe I love you?"

"I believe it, fully and truly, I do. It's just... You could find someone--"

He cut me off, "I don't want someone else! I want you, October, for fucks sake!"

He grabbed my chin, gently, forcing me to look at him, "Stop it. Stop doubting yourself, you hear me? I ain't gonna leave you, I fuckin' love you, more than I love myself. If I were to ever lose you, I'd probably die right after you, I don't want to be here without you."

"You wouldn't. You couldn't leave Busy."

He smiled slightly, "Well, that's right. But, even so, there would be no love left in my heart for anyone else but her. So, you're stuck with me, Sugar."

I smiled back, "I'm happy to be stuck with you."

Gerard exhaled softly, leant forward and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was sweet and gentle, causing my chest to ache and my heart to kick around my ribs. He laid down with me, our lips still attach, and trailed his hand up and down my arm.

When he pulled away, I felt sorry for everything. "I'm sorry I can't help you."

He furrowed his brows in confusion, "Help me?"

I pointed downward, "Little Gee."

Gerard laughed softly, "I can help myself... My hand ain't broken."

I couldn't help but to laugh too, "Gross."

He shrugged, smiling crookedly, "Ain't gross when you think about your wife while doing it."

I blushed, "No way. Do you really?"

He smirked, "Yeah, I do."

"Why?" I spluttered curiously.

He chuckled, "Because you're always in my head, I can't help myself."

I shook my head in disbelief, "Wow."

He pressed his lips to my forehead, "And, I see you as 16 year old October... Is that weird? Even now, I don't see you as 26 years old, I see you how I met you."

I raised my brow, "Chubby, sad October?"

He grinned, nodding, "Yep. I'm madly in love with her." He kissed me, "And I'm sure I'll always be in love with her... She saved my life."

I sighed quietly, "I wish we could go back then, change things and runaway together."

Gerard kissed me again, "Things didn't turn out so bad, but I second that fantasy."