And I Will Give You Every Part of Me

This was one of those typical nights that were too perfect for reminiscing the past, re-thinking all those moments that could’ve gone right but still went wrong, all those moments you made the most stupidest thing when you had a choice. This was one of those nights. But no, I didn’t want to think about the past. I wanted to think about now, and what will happen later or tomorrow, or any second from the now.

The sound of Adele’s voice was blasting from downstairs, I could hear a few voices but it was so distant and faint that I couldn’t make out any word from it. “Never mind I’ll find someone like you ooh” Adele sang. I hummed to the tune of her song, damn she is so good. As she reached the middle of her song, nostalgia sunk in. Suddenly every memory, part by part, scene by scene and piece by piece, it all went flashing back inside my head. I tried to shrug it off at first but I couldn’t. A part of me wanted to remember what it feels like, what it feels like to feel again. It’s been so long since I’ve ever felt anything real in my life. The last time I did was when I was young, stupid and naïve. Somehow I missed feeling something, anything.

I pinched my cheeks, hoping it would take me back to reality—my real, numb, emotionless reality. But it didn’t, the flashbacks just went worse. I remembered everything, from when my family decided to turn into a huge group of pricks to the wedding day. That damned wedding day. I was close to tearing up; I was already sobbing a bit loud and my eyes watering. But thank god, for creating the action and the word “interruption.”

Someone knocked on the door. Who could it be? It was 8 in the evening and everyone’s probably at that party, Maddie’s friends were holding. I wiped my face with the back of my hand before getting up to get the door. “Who is it?” I asked, as I twisted the knob open.

Kennedy’s face greeted me; he had this worried face on. “Oh, it’s you.” I said.

“I heard sobbing, is everything okay?” he asked.

I shrugged. “It’s something you shouldn’t be worrying about.” I snapped. He remained silent for a while, his eyes only meeting mine. “Sorry” he then spoke. “I was just—never mind.” he said, before turning away.

I felt a heave in my heart when turned away; he didn’t deserve me treating him like shit. I kind of felt bad—no, scratch that. I did feel bad. “Uh oh, wait.” I blurted out.

He stopped, and turned back to me. Again, his eyes met mine. I swear to god, they were the most beautiful that I’d ever seen. “Uh—shouldn’t you be at your party?” I said in a way that I sounded nice.

“I’m heading back there now, I just took Nate back. He got drunk.”

“At 8 pm?” I laughed. “Sorry.”

His eyes shined. “For what?”

“For being mean to you, I didn’t mean to. I was just—I was just”

“It’s okay.” He smiled, showing his teeth with a gap in the middle. It was too cute that I found myself staring at his smile.

“No, really. You didn’t deserve that.” I explained.

He walked up to me, until there was only a 3-inch gap in between our toes. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and sighed heavily. “It is okay.”

“Fine, but I have to make it up to you for being a bitch.” I said.

He giggled. “You really don’t have to and you weren't a bitch.”

“I insist.”

“Haha, alright. I’ll let you know when I think of something.” And then he smiled again.

Okay, this is it. This is the downfall man-loathing Julia, this the breakdown of walls that were built for months—years even. It’s about time I change my status quo. Wait. What am I saying? No, Julia no. it’s been too long, I shouldn’t give in. I mustn’t. I’m just getting caught up in the moment, and that’s it. This too shall pass.

I smiled back at him, and I hadn’t realized that I was holding my breath until he turned away and walked off. He turned back to me again when he almost reached the stairs, “By the way Julia, you’re still welcome to come join us at the get-together. Maddie’s probably waiting for you to change your mind.”

“No, I’m good here. Have fun though! And wait, how’d you know my name?”

He smiled that infamous smile. “Lucky guess!” then he disappeared from my sight.
I went back to my room with a smile on my face, and I didn’t even know where that smile was coming from. This complete stranger was catching me off-guard, or maybe he’s the one putting my guard off? As I fell back to the bed, my head start to ache. It was like I’d just got off a long ride, or a rollercoaster. My eyes automatically fell shut but then my phone rang. It was Maddie.

“Where the fuck are you? And why did Kenny come back here alone?” she asked.

I laughed. “I’m at my room. I told him I didn’t want to come.”

“Seriously, Julia.” She started whispering. “You should’ve taken the hint. I was trying to get you to hook up with him.”

I choked on my saliva and shot up from the bed. “What?”

“Oh come on, it’s obvious that you’re having the feels for him.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Have completely forgotten my hiatus in men?”

“That hiatus is getting fucking old Julia, come on live a little. Get laid tonight!” she yelled. I could hear a couple of guys laughing at the background, causing Maddie to laugh too. “John said he volunteers as a tribute to satisfy your needs.” She added. I heard someone saying ‘me too! Me too!’ on the background. “And also Jobe.”

“Who’s Jobe?”

She laughed. “You want me to send him over right now? He said he’s super DTF.”

“Shut up, I’m going to sleep.”

Again, laughter. “Boo, you’re no fun granny.”

And I ended the call.

Good heavens, this was too much to handle for a night. As I lay back in bed, my thoughts about this hiatus wouldn’t disappear. Maybe Maddie was right, maybe all I needed was someone snap me out of oblivion. Maybe I’ve already seen him but I’m just too blind. Maybe, just maybe.

In the end, I shook off my thoughts and headed to bed. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.