Birds of a Feather

I lay on my back in bed, fan on, blanket under the door, window open, smoking a cigarette. I feel, rather than hear, my phone go off. I pull it out to see if it's the only person in the world I want to hear from right now before shoving it back into the deep hole I call my pocket.

Deciding I should really go to school today, I slowly get up and stroll over to my closet. All the clothes I used to wear are now left practically forgotten in the back of my closet. This is who I am now. Perhaps who I always was, but now I'm not ashamed to let it be known.

I grab the first pieces of attire I find and go to the bathroom to throw them on quick and brush my teeth and hair. I don't bother "putting my face on" as Derek always called it. In fact, I don't even bother looking in the mirror either. I know I look like I just crawled out of bed, I know I look how I feel (shitty). So why waste time and some of the tiniest remaining energy I have left? Need to save it for later.

I ignore my family (something kind of new) as I grab an apple on my way out the door.

During my drive to school I briefly think about beating the shit out of my car so I have an excuse to bring it to the garage... see if he's there. My delirium only lasts a moment before I mentally ridicule myself for being so stupid. A wanton thought of me beating up hiscar pops into my mind and I grin wickedly but rid myself of that idea as well.

As I pull into the student parking lot I notice no one has taken my spot even though I haven't been to school in almost two weeks. Nice to know.

The day is a blur up until lunch. In all of my classes my old friends tried talking to me, but I ignored them and zoned out. Every single period. Apparently they couldn't take a hint because they looked shocked and insulted when at lunch I simply kept walking straight past them and made my way across the street. It was a food place with outside picnic tables. I pulled a pack of smokes out of my pocket, lit one and took a drag, instantly feeling relaxed (for the most part, at least). I planned on laying on my back, feeling the warmth of the sun, and smoking for the next 45 minutes. I was disappointed whenever I felt someone walk by me; they temporarily blocked out the sun and caused a slight breeze.

When I felt a hand plant itself on my shoulder I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Serena," I heard the voice ask before my eyes were even open. So, I snapped them open and then had to squint them to make out the figure.

"Jay," I nodded at him in acknowledgment.

"What are you doing here?"

"Laying on a picnic table and smoking a cig. What's it look like I'm doing?"

He made a weird noise that I assumed was out of frustration, or annoyance. "I meant, why aren't you with your "friends" over there?"

I scoffed. "I don't wanna be 'round them, is all."

Suddenly, Jay burst out laughing, nearly making his own cigarette fall from his lips. In response I raise a practiced brow at him.

When he didn't answer I snapped a 'what?'

When he (finally) stopped he explained, "You even sound like him now."

My jaw popped from the sudden wide opening of the mouth. "The fuck? I do not!" He gave me a pointed look that said 'really? Listen to yourself right now.' "Whatever. Fuck you." I punched him lightly on the arm.

Jay's face quickly went from playful to dark. I instantly knew what was coming, and was dreading it. "So... How have you been? Ya alright? Uh, hear from him at all?"

I knew Jay wasn't used to this kind of thing. He doesn't usually have conversations like this because the only time he hangs out with a girl is when he wants to hook up. If any of them start getting emotional he doesn't talk to them anymore. Which I guess is acceptable because from the start he clearly states that he doesn't want anything serious. I know for a fact that when he and the guys talk about stuff like this, they keep it vague and give no reason for anyone else to worry. So, to make Jay a lot more comfortable, I did what one of the guys would.

"Yeah. I'm fine. And nah." I flashed him a smile and absentmindedly thought that I could win an Oscar for this. He smiled too and pulled me up by my hands so he could give me a hug. This is one thing he can do to me that he can't do to the guys; without them feeling awkward, anyway. Jay isn't good with talking (emotionally) but he is practically an expert at making you feel good with his body. His hug made me feel like I didn't just lie to him.

"Good," He said into my hair and gave me a kiss on the head before pulling away, "I missed you."

"Aw really? I feel so honored," I tease, putting a hand to my chest. I felt a lot better now. Why the hell didn't I think to hang out with the guys before?

"You fuckin' should! You're the only female I can actually hang out with, ya know... without fucking. You don't make me want to bang my head against the wall every five seconds."

"Really? I had no idea." Crossing my arms, I tried to look like I seriously didn't have a clue. I think he bought it because he suddenly looked uncomfortable, like I didn't believe him.

Taking off his hat and running fingers through his hair quickly, he said, "Well, yeah. You know, aside from my sister. Kind of. I wanna beat the shit out of her sometimes 'cause she cries and complains about these dudes. If she weren't a slut she wouldn't have that problem."

"Yeah. But you and me both know, in the end, it's the guys you beat the shit out of."

He plopped his hat back on his head and smirked. "Stupid fuckers don't make the same mistake again."

I smile for a little while and it grows quiet as we both have another cig, Jay holding out his Bic and lighting my Marb for me. I lay back down on the picnic table and Jay follows suit, laying just beside me. I play around with the smoke, not realizing I'm doing it at first. I was surprised I even noticed myself doing it. Jay and the guys have pointed out my doing so countless times. Derek was the first one to notice. He said that when I do, I get real quiet and my eyes get just a little bit darker and I look like I'm not all there.

I sigh quietly and longingly think of another soothing hug from Jay.

I turn my head to look at him and notice him French inhale with dexterity. Suspicious, I turn my head back to it's original spot but continue to watch him out of the corner of my eye.

With my suspicion confirmed I ask, "Are you mocking me?"

He smirks. "Maybe. Wanna get outta here? Do something?"

I ponder this for a moment. I think about school, my grades, my supposed friends on the other side of the street. Fuck it.

"Yeah, let's do something."

Earlier when Jay said he missed me, I didn't say it, but I missed him too. But I didn't realize just how much until I got into the passenger seat of his old Mustang, cruising down the road with music blaring and the bass thumping and vibrating and making me feel alive again.

I smiled again. Guess Jay's hugs weren't the only thing that could make me feel better.

Jay began hitting the steering wheel in sync with the song. I looked out the window and started belting out the tune loudly, albeit the music was thundering much too loud for either of us to hear me.

God, I missed this.